Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 9/21/2011

Question
Ok, I have a serious question that I have been battling. I've been in a relationship for 6 1/2 yrs. I'm 28 yrs old. And he's my first love. Now, we haven't always had the best relationship. It has been off and on but mostly on. Drinking has been an issue with him. He has had 2 dui's but he also has said and done some hurtful things while intoxicated. For starters he has slept with another girl hours after we broke up. He has yelled and cussed me out while saying very mean words to me. When we were broken up he tried to kiss my sister while he was drunk yet doesn't remember. She told me. He has quit drinking numerous times. He was even sober for over a year once. We recently got into a big argument and the first place he goes is a bar. Doesn't come home til 3am. I'm really mad and hurt and we get into an argument because I don't want the person I'm with to go to a bar in the middle of an argument. I tell him that I can't be with him when he drinks so he says he doesn't wanna say he's going to quit and then doesn't, so he had to think about it. He goes out of town to see his friend which I know he drank then he comes back and says he doesn't need alcohol in his life and he's not going to drink. So he hasn't drank in about 2 weeks. Anyways, we go see a concert that I wanted to see tonight. And he asked me if its ok if he has a beer. I don't wanna feel like that girlfriend that's controlling so I said I don't care. He knows how I feel about it by now. So afterwards on the drive home I tell him I feel like he broke his word to me and he should have known how I would've felt. Now, I try talking to him calmly but he ends up raising his voice to me. I tell him that I'm scared that he's going to start drinking again and he said I have nothing to worry about. I told him I don't want it to end back up where he's going to a bar in the middle of an argument and doing stuff that will hurt me. He again said I have nothing to worry about. Then I bring up our future. And I know it was very bad timing on my part, but it kinda just got brought up. You see, we never talk about a future...ever! And I tell him I'm sad because I feel that I've been with him for 6 1/2 yrs and I don't even think he sees a future with me! It hurts! And he gets mad because of my timing, but everytime I do bring a future up no matter when it is we usually argue and I end up feeling worse. So he said he was leaving to stay at his place and I said I don't want him leaving and I'm sorry for bringing it up, but I've had so much on my mind with us lately. He's still mad and says he's going to the store to get something to eat. So he left and its been a while. So he gives me a call and I asked if he's been at the store the whole time. He said he went to the bar to have a drink and he said he did that to prove a point. It made me so mad that after everything we just talked about he went and did what he knew would upset me. And he says hes gonna do what he wants to do and he wasn't thinking about me. So I told him I don't know if I could be with him and I was disappointed. My question to you is, from an outside perspective am I over exaggerating or am I right in how I feel? I'm so confused! I do love him but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve that or a lot of things he's put me through. I drove him around during both his dui's and I've taken him back after everything he has ever put me through!  I'm just so many emotions right now, but one emotion I am definitely not is happy. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter!

Answer
Dear Kathleen

This is how it will be for the time being. Possibly the rest of your life. You have to decide whether you want to have this kind of relationship or not. If not, break up and do not get back together and find someone more stable. Good luck.