Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/18/2011

Question
Hello, I am very confused now. My husband and I have been married for 4 years now, and we both have pretty explosive tempers. My father used to beat on my mother, and she divorced him when I was little. I was also raised in a very strict atmosphere including popping in a head as preventive measurement, and I know what the belt is. I swore to myself, that if I ever get married, I will do my best to save it, but I won't ever tolerate abuse. My situation now is pretty complex.
During our early marriega years we had really bad money problems, and my husband used to kick the furniture around, however, he never touched me. We could yell at each other and then make up. After we had our baby, though, our sex life started decreasing a lot to the point where I barely even want it. We both work part-time and we are both in college. I quit my previous full-time well paying job because there were a guy there whom I started getting attached to, but I never went beyond flirt (and i mean, NOTHING but flirt ever happened between us). I quit, stopped all the contacts with him, and other males too because I didn't want my husband to get suspicious or hurt. It has been over a year ago, and now each time my husband and I have a fight he calls me a slut, and a cheater. Last time we fought because he woke me up in the middle of the night saying that if i don't want to have sex he was going to get a divorce. The argument continued into a next day, and he pushed me several times in front of our daughter. It didn't hurt physically, but I became hysterical. I told him that he needs to get anger management or I am going to leave if he ever touches me again. First he was sceptical, but then said he would do it.(by the way, he said that before, but never actually went)
I don't know what to do. I know, we are both in a huge amount of stress, there are constant money problems, but i do love him, and he loves me too;  I might say hurtful things sometimes, but I haven't ever hit him. I have no place to go, no relatives, no friends who could let me live with them... There are no even shelters here for women like me in that small town of ours. Other times he is a great father, he supports me, and we do anything possible to keep our relationship going. If I leave him, Id have to quit college, find another full-time job which is problemtic now, and I just don't want my daughter to go thru a phse where she would think that daddy left her (he is a great father and she adores him) Please, am i repeating my mother's fate???????

Answer
Dear Al,
Yes, to some extent you are repeating a pattern...one that you had modeled for you quite well it sounds like.  Your husband is abusive to you, there is no question.  However it sounds like both of you would benefit from some additional relationship skills.  I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but many churches provide those kinds of services, even in a small town.

I can understand your hesitancy to leave as financial considerations, school etc are very important things to think about.  The first thing that you both need to do is monitor what you say to one another.  If you have problems to solve, then focus on solutions to the problems rather than attacking one another.  Name calling and hurtful insults get couples nowhere so you might just sit down with each other and make an agreement not to insult each other and if that happens, you take a time out to cool down and re-focus.  You also have to decide that the two of you will not touch each other in anger ever again.  There is nothing more traumatic to a child than to see or hear one of their parents abusing the other one.  

When a relationship becomes abusive, the sexual relationship declines.  It is hard to feel desire for someone who is abusing and/or hurting you.  You both need to understand that.  If you both want that relationship to improve, then your verbal and emotional relationship with each other must improve.  If it doesn't, the sex will not be a major part of your relationship.  

If there is a pastor in your area who would be willing to provide marriage counseling, that would be a good option as well.  I know you have limited resources, but counseling is probably your best avenue of defense.  If not, you probably don't have any other options than to leave.  There may be ways to complete your education online, but the safety of you and your daughter has to take precedence over everything else.

I truly wish you the best as you decide what you are going to do.  These are tough issues and they do not have easy answers.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com