Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 9/25/2011

Question
Hi I am a 30 yr old single woman. I have been in a relationship off and on for almost 12yrs now which have left me wondering where do i stand now. I met this guy 12 yrs back when i was going through a emotional turmoil my Bf had left me and got married. This guy and me started off as friends but slowly we were attracted to each other, however his attitude changed when i told him about my previous relationship. I was still seeing my ex i asked for forgiveness and he said he had forgiven me. We were physically close but he was emotionally getting away.I tried my best to bring him back meanwhile he lost his job and put the blame on me.I tried to support him but he wudnt allow me to come close. he moved to London and before he left we had a holiday together and we felt we were very much in love still. He went away and for 3 mnts we did'nt talk then he came back with a marriage proposal and gave me a ring. But after a month or so i came to know he was into live-in with a Russian girl. that left me devastated i questioned him he denied but later accepted and we split.He came back again after 6 monts with a Marriage proposal but i was not sure i questioned him and he left confused. He went ahead and got married to a girl he barely knew but within 3 monts into it he was seeking a divorce, he wanted my support inspite of all my pain i was consoling him but we had some fights when he told me he wanted to marry me.I was unsure and so questioned him again and he again got furious and asked me to go away and send me a rude email. I got furious too and decided not to talk ever again. though i still loved him but his arrogance and hate for me left me helpless. We were not in touch for 6 yrs and i came to know from a mutual friend that he married again as soon as he was divorced and that to a chat friend of his. all these years i was waiting for him hoping that he would realize his mistake and come back. But he never came. Now all of a sudden after 4 ys of his marriage he came to me with a proposal of friendship. he asked for forgiveness and said he just want to be a better person. when i questioned him about his marriage he told me that it was on rocks for two years but now he is ok.he told me that all these years he had loved and hated me which made him run into those affairs.He wants to make amends now by being friends. we chat everyday and he allowed me to vent out his anger on him, asked me about my problems. I am confused a person who has illtreated me all his life how come he is so sweet to me. He is not divorcing his wife nor he wants to marry me. I still love him i can live without him but when he comes near me whichever form it may be lover or a friend it makes me helpless. i cannot control my emotions. however he says that i am the only person he has ever loved and cant leave me alone for long. his divorce left him with bitter memories and his parents suffered too so he is scared to go for divorce again though he is living a life of compromise as his wife hates him and is using him for money and status and she will nt leave him nor does he has the guts to ask her to leave. so he is ruining himself wie,women, clubbing he wants solace in me but says he respects me and is not lookig for sex, we caht eveeryday and he is cofiding in me. i asked him to satnd for his rights but he is a coward. he also knows i am the only perso with whom he was happy but is scared to accept. What do i do should i be friends with him when i still love him and there is no hope of getting back together as he is married. What do i Do Please HELP!

Answer
Diva,

I promised to get back to you, and here I am.

It seems that there is a mutual attraction between you and this man, but fear keeps getting in the way.  Whatever he has been wanting from you, he evidently has not been able to fully express.  Maybe now that he is inviting you to be his friend, he can tell you what he really wants, without him feeling so anxious he has to withdraw and run.   

I don't know that there is no hope of you and this man getting together.  Both of you have lots of personal growth waiting to unfold.  If this man is, and has been, sacrificing his personal happiness as he gets involved in these relationships and marriages, he must be searching for something his heart needs.  He alone knows why he runs into these dead-end relationships.  I won't be surprised if he is afraid of marriage, or afraid of closeness.  But whatever his fears, he has to face them.  You can't help him with his fears.  He has to do that by himself.  And only when he overcomes whatever his fears are would he be able to be a satisfied partner in a satisfying relationship.

If you were privy to his talk inside his head, you would know what his real problem is, but he is not sharing that with you.  He is sharing what he can, however.  He had to do lots of work with his own mind to reach the place where he could invite you to be his friend without wanting you to be his lover or wife.  Seems he chose in the past to distance himself from you rather than risk getting close and then having the relationship deteriorate as others deteriorated.

The bond you feel with this man cannot be disputed.  Seems what you need is what he is offering, a chance to listen to the deepest feelings of each other without wanting to change each other, or rearrange each other's life.  This is what friendship is about, isn't it?

Blessings.

es