Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 1/31/2012

Question
I have met the sweetest, most caring, genuine man in the world. We met briefly at a party and he left a few days later so we started to get know each other over skype and long nightly conversations. 2 months go by and he gets back into town. It felt like we had known each other forever.  We went to Tahoe together, he met my friends and we learned alot about each other over that few days. Once we got back we decided to make it official. Neither of us had been in a serious realtionship for about 5 years and I thought this one was good enough to take a chance on. We have obviously moved very fast and are already telling each other we love one another. He even has recently been offered a job in London and we made the decision to go together. Give it a year.. everything is PERFECT with us.. until there is alcohol involved. Now, the first fight we ever had was because he was drinking. I called it to his attention and he apologized the next day saying it wouldn't happen anymore.. nothing physical but more manipulative. "Maybe u should just leave in the morning", "Maybe we should rethink this" .. and he doesn't mean it. It's just to hurt me. This became a pattern and I and I kept bringing it up to him.. "it's only when you drink".. last week he had lots to drink and wanted  to "leave" again for no reason but wanted everything back he ever gave me. I told him the watch was in my purse so he goes to get it, comes into my room and throws the purse at me then smashed 2 glasses on my floor and tells me to find it. Long story short he ended up coming back about an hour later apologizing telling me he loves me and he's sorry for being angry and it won't happen again. Well.. 2 nights ago, we;re out with friends and I make him promise me he won;t get angry and we will not fight. He promises. Well.. he lied. It all started because he got into a fight and said I held his arms back while he got hit in face .. i wasnt near him at all. by the time I realized what was happening I ran over to beg him to quit and he pushes me over. I get off the ground and he pushes me again. Hard. the girls in our group began crying asking me to leave with them but I was insistent on staying with him. he as hurt and upset. He wouldnt quit telling me how horrible of a girlfriend I am and blah blah.. well.. he ended up breaking my camera, my tv, my cell phone and everytime I tried to leave the house he would hold me down and cover my mouth because I was screaming for him to let me out of the house. He told me it was going to be the worst night of my life and the only way he was leaving was to be dragged out by cops. So I tried calling and he smashed my phone. I am covered in bruises and scrapes.. BUT he has a black eye and a bloody lip from me.. but thats because I was trying to get away...... he's promised to put the alcohol away... but is it excusable?? I do love him.. I mean.. we were making plans to move to LONDON together for this new job. I l care for him so much and I know he cares for me.. should I give him a second chance given he puts away the liquor? Is this abusive if he's never done it before?? He recognizes he was wrong.. and he wants to make the necessary steps to correcting the issue..

Answer
Hi Sarah,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such events in your life and know that you are feeling very confused, angry and sad. You are experiencing what many experience in abusive relationships--good times and bad times--that is where the confusion comes in because you probably wonder how he can be so good and nice and then so mean and horrible. This is NOT your fault--this is a personality quirk in him and who and what he is. He needs to blame others when he behaves badly because he can not see that he has a problem.

I would be surprised if he hasn't acted this way in the past--you just don't know about it. There is nothing you can do for him. If he really wants to change, then he will get himself into a treatment plan to make it happen. These are usually just words when he says that he will take the necessary steps to correct this issue--most never do.

The Jekyll and Hyde personality is very common in abusive relationships and know that you want it to work out but when anyone behaves as this, the real question to you is do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? You are seeing the real pattern as you described--being more manipulative, blaming you, breaking things, put downs to you, making you feel sorry for him--this is a very unhealthy pattern and will usually get worse, not better over time especially if you move to London. You will be away from your friends and family and isolated from healthy people. Abusers need to have people separated from their loved ones so they can't tell you how abusive he is being.

I would strongly suggest that you contact a women's organization or shelter who can help you with your options and create a safety plan if you choose to leave. Usually people as such will get very angry when you decide to break up. Having someone help you create a safety plan for you own safety will help keep yourself safe. Call your local courthouse and ask for phone numbers of local agencies that can help you.

I know that this is very hard and the you have enjoyed the good times but looking at the whole package of who and what he is is very important to do. Keep looking at who and what he really is--he most likely will never change because he can't.

Thank you for writing and asking these questions and please keep writing as you need to. Just remember you deserve to live the very best life and have the right to do so. Please take those steps to ensure a healthy and loving life and future.

Much peace to you,
Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education