Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 1/5/2012

Question
QUESTION: Hi Cathy,

I am surprised I have actually found myself looking for this answer online but I do not know what to do. Me and my fiancé/boyfriend have been living together for 7 years. Throughout the relationship we have gone through a lot of things together which makes me feel some type of bond with him that I ultimately feel like I can never break. I don't even know where to start. Six months into our relationship he accidentally shot me. Our roommate had loaded a gun in a drawer and it went off when he was playing with it trying to act like a bad*ss. It just so happened it was pointed at me. This was still before "I love you"s were shared, (we moved in together as friends). It was still the "honeymoon" period of our relationship. He cooked, cleaned, helped with bills, etc. When he shot me I was immobile for months and he had to take care of me (which he did and should have). I am not sure when the lines started to blur and he turned into a jerk. I remember wanting to break up with him towards the beginning after I was healed but I had low self esteem because of the terrible scar down my stomach from the exploratory surgery from the bullet. I am pretty much over this self esteem issue now because it has been 7 yrs and I am used to it and older now (27). When we 1st got together he had anger issues which made me give him an ultimatum at one point that he had to see a counselor. He did and the lady was agreeing with him on all the issues. I have read up on narcissistic people (which I believe he is) and they have the great ability to be able to convince everyone even experts that what they say and their way is the most logical. I think this happened in this case and we went on our way. Same issue with anger started  happening again at a later date and I told him he probably needed a antidepressant or something. We went to the family care doctor and they agreed and started him on Paxil and he has been on this ever since. I noticed great things with this RX at first. He was great to be around and as sweet as he was when we got together. Then I remember one time he flipped over our living room couch to show me dust under it (while he was having a flipping out episode) and we tried and succeeded to get his dosage higher. It did not do anything really. He has a personality of a light switch. One minute he can be screaming about there not being food in the cabinet and within 5 minutes be calm/sweet and want me to come to sit by him. And this is an all day every day exhausting process that I have always felt like would change but when I look at dates of WHEN a past problem happen I realize that I have lost track of how much time I have been dealing with this. I love him. I have helped raise his stepson since he was 3 and just turned 11. We have got 3 dogs together, one vehicle, one home, one income (mine) and many other shared things. The predicament that I am in is I do not know when his threats should be taken seriously or not. Because he has such an up and down roller coaster personality I do not know if I should even feed into what he said today to me or if it was out of anger. We moved from Florida 1 year ago to Texas for a job his father got me. I came out her for a career and he said he would work too but this has fell short. Not me and my career, it is doing great but him and working. Because I work from home and have to run appointments on and off all day he has no vehicle to get back and forth to work. We have no savings (still trying to catch up) and both have bad credit. I know this is a source of a lot of arguments because he always thinks I am reining power over him because I pay the bills and if we don't have money for something I say we don't and he acts like a 5yr old and has to get over it. Sometimes I feel like he is a 5yr old trapped in a mans body because he has not matured into the man I thought he would become. He had a lot of problems growing up with his Mom not being around and he lived with his father who has his own crazy moments. I am at the crossroads where I do not know if I should take some kind of steps to move on in my life and start anew somehow or if I stick it out with him and hope for the best because I want to be with him because I love him  and our lives have become so entwined. We are together everyday almost all day. Today he got mad about lotion and starting saying I was sneaky and psycho because I asked if a small packet of fat burning lotion I found on the table was mine and he said it was his. When I told him I had a packet in the bathroom drawer too and that was why I was wondering he went into a rage with the sneaky, greedy remarks like there was some big conspiracy to hide this 1oz pack of freebie lotion from him. He came into my office and said he was sick of my faces and eyes I make at him and my smart *ss remarks. (Which I probably do do but I cannot help but think he is crazy when he acts like this and it probably shows on my face). He told me he knows I don't want to be with him, that I think he is a loser and that I am better than him. I told him I do not think any of these things. He told me he is about ready to break up (which he says all the time and I think he just says to try to hurt me). Then he said that he swears to God and repeated that he swears to God if we ever do break up he will ruin everything and anything we have purchased while we have been together (which is everything) so that I cannot have anything. I told him I do not care about all those material items  and to do with them what he wants. He said "we will see" and walked out. I mean of course I care about my car and alot of my belongings because that is my livelihood and I have worked hard for a lot of our stuff. But if he did take and ruin everything as he claims he would, would I be OK with it? NO. I would rebuild and do what I have to do. So what do I do with this is what I have been thinking all day. Its not like he can just go to a friends house or family because we do not know anyone in this state. He, nor I have money to send him off to Florida and frankly if that were an option I really do not seeing it being that "easy". Just weeks ago we were arguing about something and he started getting in my face so I went to my office and closed the door and he busted the door down in this NEW house that we rent here. He is in destructive mode or something and keeps compiling issues unto our already long list and I am trying to make a career. Eventually I want to get married and have kids, I am almost 30. Does he need medication? If he fixable? I know people do not change unless they want to but I feel like I have been asking these questions for a long time. I cannot get the police involved. I just couldn't do that to him or my BOSS'S son (his father). I feel like I am the crazy one for not figuring this situation out earlier but life always seems to get in the way and this issue with him always gets put on the back burner even though it is always in my face. I know it seems like a doomed relationship from the start but thank you for any input. :)

ANSWER: Hi Amy,

Thank you for writing and asking for ideas of what to do. I am so sorry that you are experiencing such events especially when you have been dealing with them for some time now. I can see these issues being emotionally draining for you.

Your first question of does he need medication? Since I am a Life Coach and not a doctor, I can’t answer that question. But what I understand is that medication can help calm down people but that other behavioral classes or counseling is needed along with the medication. The medication is not a “cure-all” and learning how to manage behavioral issues is part of the process and takes a lot of  time and patience.

Your second question, “Is he fixable?” The answer to that is probably NO! Most people who display events such as you described below will NEVER change:
• anger issues
• narcissism
• flipped over living room couch to show me dust under it
• has a personality of a light switch
• one minute he can be screaming about there not being food in the cabinet and within 5 minutes be calm/sweet and want me to come to sit by him
• has such an up and down roller coaster personality
• said he would work too but this has fell short
• acts like a 5yr old and has to get over it.
• had a lot of problems growing up with his Mom not being around and he lived with his father who has his own crazy moments
• got mad about lotion and starting saying I was sneaky and psycho
• went into a rage with the sneaky, greedy remarks like there was some big conspiracy to hide
• sick of my face and eyes I make at him which he says all the time and I think he just says to try to hurt me
• swears to God and repeated that he swears to God if we ever do break up he will ruin everything
• busted the door down

You are absolutely correct when you say that people won’t change unless they want to. People as such have two choices: Change because they don’t like being this way any longer or find someone who will “put up” with their behavior so they don’t have to change. What do you think? Does he really want to change or work on modifying his behavior or does he want you to put up with this behavior?

Answering this question will help you know what choice you need to make. Living with a person as you described as “feel like he is a 5yr old trapped in a mans body” is a real challenge. You may want to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life? The answer to this question will help you with your thoughts of “I am at the crossroads where I do not know if I should take some kind of steps to move on in my life and start anew somehow or if I stick it out with him and hope for the best because I want to be with him because I love him and our lives have become so entwined.”

Remember, people are who they are and seeing them as such will help you make decisions that are good and right for you. It may not be easy like you say, but finding ways and making decisions to live a happier life is a choice you have the right to make which will help with many of your concerns:

• I realize that I have lost track of how much time I have been dealing with this
• Wondering if threats should be taken seriously or not
• He always thinks I am reining power over him because I pay the bills
• Eventually I want to get married and have kids, I am almost 30

Seeing a counselor to help you sort these issues out of whether you are going to stay or go may be a good step to take and then create a life plan for your happiness would be your next step. Please keep writing and asking questions as you go along. I am always here for you. But remember you have the power to make the needed changes in your life to create more happiness and joy whether you stay or go. Medication may or may not help him and he probably will not change.

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for the quick, clear response Cathy. I think he would be perfectly fine with me putting up with his behavior forever and that is what I am trying to change. But I also think us splitting may make him want to change in order to be with me but with abusive relationships it seems this is usually just to get back with you. If we split I will not get back together with him under any circumstance, it would be final. But if I decide to take this course of action what do you think would be the best way to resolve the situation. I mean how do you kick someone out that moved half way across the country with you? How do you do it and not get everything ruined or get abused in the process without getting the police involved? Is there a way that I may not be thinking of? Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in the relationship because of these reasons. I feel like the only way is to get the police involved and I feel like that is not an option I can take. I can't move out because my name is only one on the lease. Thanks again!

Answer
Hi Amy,

You are welcome and understand the process you are going through. I know it is tough but working through these questions will lead you in the direction you want to go.

Your knowledge is correct on your comment of: "But I also think us splitting may make him want to change in order to be with me but with abusive relationships it seems this is usually just to get back with you." People need to change for themselves if it is going to be last longing change. Sometimes people will change out of force but usually won't change until they really decide that they want to change. Many times people will change on a temporary basis and go back to their old ways in time when the pressure is off.

You have asked some very good questions especially about how to breakup without getting everything ruined or get abused in the process and without getting the police involved. Creating a thought out "safety plan" will help answer these questions. Shelters for abused women and children usually have staff available to help you with creating a safety plan and these issues. There is a way but it needs to be done when you are ready and prepared to make it happen.

For example, the things you really want to protect, you may want to remove them from the house so they can't be destroyed. Having people around when talking to him will help you from being abuse and you may have to prepare yourself to call the police if physical abuse begins to happen--protecting yourself is important if he chooses to not remain calm. All of these issues are part of a "safety plan" of what to do if you choose to leave.

You can search the Internet for "safety plans" as well to give you an idea of how to create one but would strongly suggest to work with a local women's organization to help you because of the emotional intensity that usually comes with breakups. Remaining calm is critical for your safety.

And yes, not having a plan can keep you trapped out of fear. That is why creating a plan is so important because you are mentally preparing yourself to be strong and take the proper action for safety. Many shelters have attorneys available to help you with questions such as the lease too.

You are taking the proper steps of working through these difficult times. Calling a local women's organization that knows and understand abuse and control will help you. Call your local courthouse for phone numbers--they know who you can call.

Please keep asking questions as you work through these issues. Finding friends and neighbors who can help you will good to do too!

Much Peace,
Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relations and Domestic Violence Education