Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/31/2012

Question
I struggle daily with feelings of sadness, and confusion, when I am talking to or are around my spouse. Usually, unless I am very tired, I am happy and playful, sometimes silly in the mornings. He, in turn, is usually grumpy, or just in his own world it seems. Many times this attitude of his brings me down, or makes me feel like I am being annoying to him. This happens, almost daily, right after work too. I am not sure if he is bipolar, or just has an anger problem. I have known that he has had a temper throughout our relationship and marriage, and we have had numerous arguments, breakups over it. Most nights, when I want to be affectionate with him, he is aggrivated by me, and pushes me away, and also says he is very tired. I wish I knew what I could do to make things better. Lately, I have also been sticking up for myself more, and I tell him that I am not going to let him bring me down, or make me angry just like he is. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior since I have been doing this. Some days I also feel like he with holds affection or sex from me. He gets hurt and upset if I do not have sex with him when he wants it, which is very rare, and then with holds it from me, when I ask to have sex, if it is in the same day. Is he being abusive to me? Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Beryl,
When someone withdraws love in a relationship it is very destructive to the other person in the relationship.  We all need love and when we are in a relationship with someone, we expect to be loved and love in return.  When that doesn't happen, it is common to become depressed, sad and confused.

This kind of thing may come from depression, he may be dealing with hurts from the past, child abuse situations or rejection.  Whatever the cause is, it isn't good for the relationship and he needs to take responsibility for his behavior and either decide to do something about it or figure out what he wants to do with the relationship.  You may have to face that question as well.  Counseling will help if he is willing to go.  You might suggest having him pay a visit to his doctor to see if there is anything he can do to help the situation.  

If he doesn't take responsibility for his hurtful behavior, this relationship will continue to erode.  Standing up for yourself is a good thing, whether it changes the dynamics or not.  It gives you confidence in yourself which you need in these situations.

You asked if this was abuse and I can't answer that question.  It certainly is disrespect and dishonor.  It may qualify as emotional abuse but I would need more information to fully assess that.  It is a difficult situation that needs to change for the health and happiness of both of you.  If he doesn't want to go to counseling, I would suggest that for you alone.  It will help you, give you a support network and allow you to process all that is going on for you.

There are a few books that you might consider reading.  Emotional Blackmail, Angry Men and the Women who Love Them, as well as Boundaries.  Boundaries is a wonderful book that gives you back your ability to say no.

I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.