Abusive Relationships/My boyfriend hit me
Me and my boyfriend are both 17 and we have been dating for 2 years. We both love each other very much and we hope to get married some day. A week ago I found out that he had been smoking marijuana which he used to do a long time ago but he stopped because I hate it. Well, when I found out I told him that if he didn't stop then I would find a way to make him stop. He didn't stop even after I told that, so when I was over his house yesterday and he was sleeping I found the marijuana and hid it somewhere. I also told his mother about it who told me that she would talk to him. When he woke up, she talked to him and told him about how if he doesn't stop, it'll ruin his life. Once she had talked to him and she left, he started yelling at me, calling me a slut, a bitch, a whore, and a druggie(by the way, he's the only person I ever had sex with except for when I was raped when I was 8, and the only drugs I've ever taken were drugs that I have to take because I got a heart transplant last year). He also hit me many times very hard.
He texted "I'm more sorry than I've ever been in my whole life, babe. I never should have done that. I really don't want this to ruin our relationship. I love you so much baby."
I still love him so much but I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He was the first person I've ever dated who I actually trusted and loved but now he ruined that. I don't know if I could forgive him but I still love him.
I tried to talk to him about it but now hes saying that I'm overreacting and that he didn't even hit me that hard. Normally he's the sweetest guy so I don't now why hes doing this.
Its not the first time hes ever hit me but he never did it that bad.
What should I do?
Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. Relationships are challenging under the best of circumstances but when abuse enters the picture, confusion sets in because of trying to sort out the good and the bad behavior. It is the “good times” that keep many “hooked” into a bad relationship. That is why it is important to give the relationship some time to get to know and understand each other and to look at the “whole package” before committing to the relationship. Just because he can be the sweetest guy most of the time does NOT give him permission to hit you on other times. That is NOT a healthy relationship.
I know that you have an emotional attachment with him being the first person in your life but listen to your heart of not being able to trust him again. He has hit you more than once and most likely will hit you again. Each hit creates more confusion, fear and uncertainty and will affect your health and well-being if you stay in the relationship. The name calling followed by “I am sorry” and “won’t do it again” then telling you that “you are overreacting” and “he didn’t hit you that hard” are all signs of a person who does not understand healthy communication and will most likely NOT change his ways.
Trust can NEVER be developed with these behaviors and actions because he can’t see how his behavior hurts and harms you. When he apologizes, it is about not wanting to “ruin the relationship” instead of apologizing for the pain he has caused you. Can you see the difference? When someone harms someone, they apologize because of the pain they caused then they don’t do that action again. When someone apologizes and then continue with the same harmful behavior, the apology means nothing and are just words. Apologies are only meaningful when the harmful behavior stops.
Many schools have counselors and I would urge you to speak to a school counselor to help you with support. Talking with your parents may also help. Calling a domestic abuse center can also give you some information. You can call the clerk’s office in your county courthouse and ask for phone numbers for ones closest to you—these services are free of charge and these organizations understand what you are going through and can help you—they can be trusted. Here a couple of websites that you can call as well.
Taking action today will help you live a happier and healthier life. Please keep asking questions and letting me know how you are doing and just remember you deserve to live life with love and joy and in an “abuse-free” relationship and you have the power to make that happen.
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education