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Abusive Relationships/I don't know what to call this.


I'm not sure what to expect, but I felt like I needed to hear an outside opinion. Sorry if this jumps around a lot, my mind is a bit disorganized of late.
I've been dating a man for 5 years now and I'm unsure if this relationship is worth saving. Most of it has been really good. The only complaints I've had were minor squabbles that most couples go thru.
However, there's been the other times that make me wonder. They say to trust your gut. Well, I've always been known to be happy, friendly and social. Now, I feel empty, sullen and just want to be alone. The bf said in the past that he doesn't want me to feel like I can't go and see my friends, but the few times I have always came with 20 questions and a general feeling of a temper tantrum. He claims it's because my friends don't like him.
I feel like he belittles me at times. If he calls me names (dork, nerd, geek, child# or makes fun of the things I like, I used to call him on it and tell him that I didn't like that. He would respond with the line that he was only joking or that I was being oversensitive. Even if I was being oversensitive, wouldn't a partner be committed to at least understanding? Worse yet, if there were an argument that ended in me expressing my pain with something he said/did, he has been known to lob it back at me saying it was MY problem. I've gotten to the point where I just don't talk to him about how I feel anymore. I feel like there's no point.
I've noticed my evolution throughout this relationship as well. I mentioned that I used to be happy, friendly and social. Apparently I felt like it was worth it for ME to change. Don't like my friends? Fine, I won't see them. Don't like going for walks? Fine, I won't ask anymore. Don't like hearing about my challenges? Fine, I won't involve you. Don't like having all my useless crap around the house? Fine, Goodwill. Don't like that I gave that stuff away instead of selling it? Fine, here you go (eBay). Don't like having to do eBay by yourself? You get the picture. I genuinely liked who I was when I met the bf. Now, I've changed so much about me to appease him that I feel lost. Like I don't even know who I am anymore.
I don't know what to do or even what to think. I know it's controlling behavior, but do I really have it as bad as some? Is it reasonable for me to be unhappy?

HI, Mia,

When we get involved with a controlling personality, and we fall in love, it is natural to want to please the other. But when the other is disordered, they take it as a sign of weakness and then they are pleasantly pleased they can now take control of our actions, then our thought processes, and then have control.

Though this sounds like a borderline situation because he is controlling through fear of being abandoned or losing you, so he wants you isolated and afraid to act or defeated enough not to desire to even put up a barrier or argument against this action of his,  you are still in a dangerous position.

Borderlines are closely linked to sociopaths, but the motivations are vastly different. Same pain for the victim, though, so educate yourself and go NO CONTACT no matter what it takes, then heal through therapy with someone who "GETS" the cluster B personality disorders, and then put yourself back out there expecting and anticipating a healthy relationship with a healthy guy. This page may help - as it will explain what you have been going through and give great insider advice as how to progress in the right way.

Remember, you can't change them, you just have to get out before they permanently change you!!!!

Keep me posted as to your success.


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Sonya Snyder


All answers pertaining to surviving and leaving abusive relationships


Was a victim of domestic violence and abuse, and studied to get my MA in forensic psychology to understand the abnormal mind of serial abusers. Much abuse isn't physical, and though it can be the most damaging long term - the emotional abuse is rarely understood nor dealt with by our court and legal systems, leaving victims feeling trapped and unsupported. I will give back to others what I have learned as a successfully surviving and thriving veteran of both family and domestic abuse, so they can get out, heal, and live truly free, too.

BA Journalism, soon-to-be completed MA in Forensic Psychology

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