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Abusive Relationships/Who is abusive and controlling?


During the first year of my relationship, everything was fine with my boyfriend.  We didn't live close to each other and were both in school, along with me being a single parent.  We talked as much as we could and saw each other about every other week.  I moved closer to him, at his suggestion, and everything changed.  I understood him wanting to see me more, but it seemed like it was only to eat my food and have sex with me...also I had better cable.  He never really tried to connect with my son who adored him.

I asked him to move in with us and when he did, he brought his cat.  This cat has not been washed in over a year, I found out he didn't change his litter box on a regular basis.  Two to three weeks would pass between changes, and this was done because I asked him to do it.  I asked him, because of this, to not allow his cat on the furniture or in my bed.  My face broke out in red bumps and started burning, and I found out that he ignored my wishes and let the cat sleep not only in my bed, but ON MY PILLOW!  I was VERY angry.  We began to argue about his respect for me and my son's health.  I tend to yell when I feel like he wasn't even trying to hear my concerns and do what he wanted.  He complained that I yelled and when I tried to explain to him why, he refused to care.

I asked him to move out because of the constant disrespect and arguments.  He constantly went through my phone, my computer, and everything I had.  He changed to settings of my internet options so that he could check my browsing history and then ask why I visited a site.  I freely gave him passwords to everything so that he could know I was doing nothing.  This made things 100% worse.  He abused this information until I changed my passwords and began to protect my privacy.  He never gave me passwords or access to ANYTHING.  When we talked about him moving out, he stated he did not want to do so, and begged me to take it back.  I thought about it and decided we needed counseling.  When I told him to stay, he then decided to move out on the month he was to pay rent.  This put my son and I in a situation of being evicted.  I was struggling to pay daycare, catch up on rent and late fees, and all other bills.  He cried and begged me not to break up with him and asked for counseling, which I had been begging for with no answer.  I agreed to counseling, and we continued to date.  He said he would help out financially because of the position he put me in.  He still came over everyday, ate my food, used my utilities, and watched my cable.  He NEVER paid for anything.  Whenever he would buy anything, such as firewood for my place, CHRISTMAS presents for my son...when we argued, he would take whatever he brought and leave.  He tried to take my son's Christmas presents away from him.

I ended up paying almost $4,000 in back rent and late fees because of him and he didn't care.  I ended up moving in with him and we got a two bedroom apartment because of the location of my son's school.  When we moved in, we continued to argue and he told me my son and I needed to move in 2 weeks.  I said ok.  He then came back the next day and apologized, wanting kisses and hugs and sex.  This was an EVERYDAY thing eventually.  It never stopped.  We would argue, I would yell, he would do something horrible and come back like he was the victim.  The sight of him made me ill.  

We worked together at the same time all of this was happening.  The people at my job began calling him the stalker because he would come by and look at my computer screen or see who I was talking to while at my desk.  Every time our boss would come by to say hi or tell me a funny story, I would get an IM.  "What was that about?  So, what was so funny?", and when I got tired of answering about every little thing that happened, he said it was because I had something to hide.  The women at work actually would text me whenever I didn't show up to work because they were afraid he did something to hurt me.  They begged me to leave him before it was too late, and this was just by the behavior they saw at work.

I left him and shortly after lost my job due to the distance of travel.  I thought I was done with him forever, but when I found out my mother's sister was just like him, I had to move from her place.  During this time apart, I would not speak with him because it was still the same thing about why I didn't answer his text soon enough for him, or why I wasn't answering my phone.  Was I with someone.  I tried to explain this was not his business any longer.  He told me that he was sleeping around for the first year of our relationship because I lived so far away and couldn't have sex with him as much as he needed.

I ended up having to move back, which is where I am now and why I am writing this VERY long description.  Since my son and I have been back, the situation has gotten so much worse.  I feel hopeless and sick.  He continues to try to bring my 3 yr old in the middle of our arguments telling him that his mom is selffish and a bad person.  He will even take an argument to his bedroom while he is sleeping and begin yelling at me.  A few days ago, he told he does EVERY SINGLE be out by tomorrow.  Of course I have nowhere to go, so I do not move.  I tried to pack up the other night and he wouldn't let me.  I went to my room, that I share with my son, and tried to get to sleep so it could just be over, and he started yelling at me.  I stated that I was just trying to go to sleep as he said he needed to do, but he kept yelling in front of my sleeping son.  I asked him to leave and did not.  I was SO tired of it that I pushed him out of my face and tried to get him out of the room before he woke up my son.  He grabbed me from behind and put me into a choke hold.  I do know how to defend myself against this so I was not harmed, but he did this in front of my sleeping child.  The thought of this makes me want to cry.  I was LIVID!  When he let go, due to being unsuccessful at choking me, I got off the ground and told him if he wanted to be forceful that we should fight it out.  He got in my face, nose to nose...using his height over me to intimidate me...yelling in my face.  I asked him about a dozen times to back up.  He backed me into a corner and when I couldn't get out, I asked him once more to move.  He kept yelling, "What are you gonna do?" over and over, so I bit his lip so hard he needed stitches and when that happened he came after me.  Before he could do what he planned I punched him the face and he at that time stopped.

I felt like I had to protect myself.  He told me last night that I needed to apologize to him for the stitches and the black eye.  I told him no because he did that to himself.  I asked him if he was going to apologize for attacking me in front of my son and he said he did it because I raised my voice to him.  I never did because my son was asleep.  I was calm and ready for bed.  He then kicked us out again because I refused to apologize.  He unplugged the internet and took the remote control to the television so I could use neither.

Of course when he got to work, he decided he wanted to try to make up.  I stayed silent.  When I see his name on my phone, I get nauseas.  I literally pray to God to make him stop, but he never does.  It's just a continuing loop of madness.  He came for lunch today and asked me questions about how I got to the destination to Christmas shop for my son and why I asked about a gas station.  I told him that was none of his business and he was only asking because he is trying to control me.  He said I was controlling him because I ask him to keep the cat off of my things and the table we eat on. (He will let the cat, with his nasty litter box feet jump on the table during and after we eat to sniff the food.  He does not change the litter box.  That is a health risk to my child.)  He said that when I yell I'm trying to control him.  I do it because I'm fed up and am angry.  Is yelling during an argument trying to control someone or a sign of anger and a feeling of NO control?  What is wrong with him?

Hello, LaSonya-

Time for an eye opener -

One in every 16 people are sociopaths.  Their goal is to find a trusting "mark" and use them for whatever they desire - sex, rent, cable, $ etc - whatever the predator wants from you. When "Jig is up" any you find out about it, they move on to their next mark when they can't get anything more from you. Cold, calculating and unable to have a relationship not built on predator/prey/con, and transference of blame.

The details are textbook - and while you think you are going crazy, you are not wrong, nor are your rationalizations invalid - you in fact, are right, no matter what he says.  He is just playing the Sociopath to a textbook degree. This will help:

Read and all the links on the left hand side.

And then, have NO CONTACT with this person, as soon as you can. Before you act - read "leaving a sociopath" because the less they know about the plans you are making to get out and away, and for them not to be able to ever reach you again, the safer it will be for you and your son. These types can kill. GET OUT.


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Sonya Snyder


All answers pertaining to surviving and leaving abusive relationships


Was a victim of domestic violence and abuse, and studied to get my MA in forensic psychology to understand the abnormal mind of serial abusers. Much abuse isn't physical, and though it can be the most damaging long term - the emotional abuse is rarely understood nor dealt with by our court and legal systems, leaving victims feeling trapped and unsupported. I will give back to others what I have learned as a successfully surviving and thriving veteran of both family and domestic abuse, so they can get out, heal, and live truly free, too.

BA Journalism, soon-to-be completed MA in Forensic Psychology

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