Abusive Relationships/break up?
im in a 3 year live in relationship with my bf 22 and im 21. we have been trying over a long period to get along better and get over trust issues.
he got drunk last summer and hit on another girl at a party at our house. i broke up with him because of it and other things like texting other girls and saying mean things when fighting. he gets mad easily and sometimes calls.name when he is but i have my faults as well.
before we officially were together i was texting an ex bf in another state while.on a date with him. he saw and i apologized and tried my best to earn his trust ever since. he always apologizes as well but sometimes acts as though he did nothing.
i feel as though maybe i take things he says wrong, thats what he says.
we got back together 2 months after breaking up and shortly after got in the same routine of fighting.
i remember regretting that decision and thinking about another man i knew very often. its been a year and some months since we got back together. for ablong time 6 + months i constantly thought about this other guy. sometimes would drive by his house or look at his social media page convincing myself not to say anything. i still think about him and do that sometimes.
my bf has changed and got bettee at talking, i can tell hes really trying i think. but we still fight.
the other day i accidentally took off a light fixture while trying to replace a bulb and couldnt get it back on.
i thought he got pretty upset about it. was asking why i did it and why couldnt i wait for him how did o not know how to do it right. said this is bullshit under his breath, making breathy complaints. it made me feel bad. he says he wasnt even mad i just started a fight for.nothing.
we fight about me.giving him wrong directions on accident. mutual friends and fam say he speaks to me not very good but they dont know everything how ot happens so i dont rly take that into consideration.
point is, i really care about him and think i love him. i dont want him to ever hurt.
but im always wondering if i should end it when we fight. usually once a week rare when its a week with no fights sometimes more.
now i think about sexual fantasies a lot with other men or women.
i would like him to lose weight but i feel like i am still attracted to his face amd sometimes his personality.
sometimes during sex i think about other people.
at work when i see good looking men or women i get butterflys.
i sometimes think about talking to the guy thats always on my mind and just yesterday gave in amd messaged him at work. i feel very bad hiding that from my bf.
i think maybe o havent tried hard enough to make things work nd ending it would be wrong.
i feel bad sometimes about living together unmarried. but then if he asked me to marry i wouldn't
know what to say. id be scared that we would never get better at not fighting. that we would fight in front of our kids or have bad vacations because we always fight when traveling.
i also would consider getting an abortion if i somehow got pregnant right now.
i was attracted to only him for a long time, head over heels. but after all the fights and things hes said on accident, i almost resent him sometimes. then again im always trying to help him out, clean and make him food for work. start his car for him give him affectionate touches. i want to make him feel good all the time.
so confused. i also think about having.my own place sometimes, how i would decorate and such. i feel unmotivated lately with helpin him. he does some cleaning but its def not split halfway. he works 24 more hrs a week than me but we split the bills and i go to college part time, he says my college doesnt benefit him so its even that i clean more. i havent hung up decorations in our house and have lived her for 5 months. i have an opportunity to buy my own place and think about doing it a lot. my parents dont like.my bf because of witnessing our fights. he got mad at me for dropping a brand new phone he purchased as a grad gift in front of my father the first time they met. i vent to my family sometimes when im upset and feel bad for it. they have a negative view of h but claim its not from my stories. i try and be as honest as possible about the situation cuz i rly need some help. i often think about how easy it would be alone, to go visit my dad whenever without thinking of bringing my bf. hes very untrusting of.me and has to always know where i am and whar im doing. i am the same with him because of the things hes said to.other girls while in our relationship. wevw both done wrong, never cheated. he expects i have and suspect he has for good reasons but no proof. i havent but thats myside of the story i suppose. every temptation ive had was in my head and they do worry me. thanks for your input.
If I were you, i would find a safe place to go, and move out when he is at work and doesnt know it. His anger can flare if you tell him and it could escalate into violence that is best avoided.
Your thoughts and his actions are like vinegar and water. They won't mix. Best to cut ties and move on. I also suggest counseling with a women's shelter to deal with the verbal abuse and your mixed feelings. You need to review your life, motives, goals and desires and fix what is also broken in you, from this and past relationships, so you can later on, enter into a healthy relationship.
Please keep me informed on your progress!