Abusive Relationships/Hurt, confused,
I'm not sure if this is the right category or not. I'm just so confused and hurt at the moment.
I haven't been with many men.
I met a man online and we chatted for a month. He was very nice and we seemed to hit it off. After a month, we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers and started emailing and texting. He asked when I would be free to meet and I said weekends.
This man who was much older (he was 42 and I'm 34)and seemed more experienced than me. I asked him whether he would be interested in talking on the phone, so as to get to know one another, but he said he preferred emailing and texting. I was okay with this, as I wanted to get to know him.
He also asked when I was free to catch up and I told him weekends, but when I suggested something, he would always brush it off and say that he needed to work. When he wanted to meet, he would always be on the weeknights, at odd hours, never Fris, weekends.
Within a week of texting, he sent an sms stating that he wanted to see me. I was a little overwhelmed, so politely declined but was happy to continue texting. He was okay, then one day he rang and we spoke on the phone. I explained why i didn't want to see him straight away.He told me that it ws okay. I asked whether he would be interested in getting to know each other over coffee. He said okay, but never organized anything. He also said he could meet on the weekends, that he was joking in his emails and messages.
About 1 month later, he texted and invited me to visit him that day on Sat I agreed and met him. We chatted and watched tv and then he asked to kiss me and I agreed. Eventaully it became a little more serious, but not sex. When I told him to stop he did.
After this, he never texted/emailed as much as he used to, and when he did he always said that things had to be my way all the time.
He also hinted at wanting to have sex all the time, and wanted to dominate.
He would never talk to me on the phone
If I texted him at night,(mon-thu) he would start the messages politely and then tell me to visit him and sleep with him. If it was on the weekends, he would politely answer the messages.
He would also text provoking things to get 'an honest answer' from me. If he didn't like a response, he would ignore me and say goodbye, don't talk to me, if I didn't respond within his time frame (sometimes I had stuff to do andd couldn;t answer straight away)he would rant and rave. He would also say that if I wasn't compliant enough he couldn't be with me. If he invited me to see him that day, then I had to drop everything to be with him. I chose not to drop my personal life just for him and told him this politely and he seemed okay.
He would also tell me what to wear when visiting him.
He would always break things off if I didn't do what he wanted sexually. Today he sent a message to say that he didn;t want to see me anymore.
I rang and spoke to him on the phone. He said that I was too controlling and that was the reason he didn't want to see me on the weekends, that I didn't please him sexually and that he could get sexual pleasure from other women at work, that I should find another man who would do whatever I wanted.
I'm not sure if I did something wrong to make him act the way he did or whether it was just his personalty
Any advice would be appreciated to avoid this in the future.
Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. Being concerned about this person’s behavior and reactions is very, very wise. Your observations of him being more experienced, smooth, and nice are “red flags” of concern. Not wanting to talk with you on the phone or meet with you on weekends and then calling you at the last minute to meet with you on a Saturday and then slows down emailing you after not having sex with him is also another red flag.
Then with him telling you that things had to be your way, hinting at sex all the time and ignoring you because he didn’t like your answers or gets upset when you don’t respond within his timeframe is someone who is playing games with you. Telling you what to wear and breaking up because of not doing what he wanted sexually is someone who needs control over you. This is NOT a healthy situation or relationship.
Your question of did you do anything wrong and the answer is NO. Sounds as if he is looking for women to sleep with him and wants them to do what he wants and then tries to make them feel guilty for not being a “good” partner and make it their fault. This is NOT your fault and you did not do anything wrong. It is also not your fault that he behaves in this manner—this is who and what he is and will most likely NEVER change.
Also, he most likely is playing a game with you with this last breakup of not wanting to see you anymore because he can get sex from women at work. What kind of a statement is that? People who make statements as such are looking for someone to react in a jealous way and come back to them to try to be a better person. Please do not fall for this trap—this is a game and very dangerous game to get you under his control.
Listen to your heart, see him for who and what he is, walk away quickly and don’t look back. Just remember, you deserve the very best in life and deserved to be treated with love and respect. When that doesn’t happen, walk away. Game players do NOT deserve your attention and affection.
Thank you for writing and please write again with any more questions you may have. Learning to recognize and believe the “red flags” when you see them will help keep you safe and away from those who are out to take advantage of you. Learning and understanding healthy relationships and communication will also help you focus on the people who truly care about you! Commit to being around those who treat you with love and respect!
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education