My question concerns a guy I dated for about 2 months. He is 28 and i am 22.. we met at a club which im a really good girl so i never thought id date someone i met at a club, but he was genuine with his approach and i decided to give him my number. We went on our first date and it went really well. I never thought i would actually like him as he is more of the bad boy type.. but we really connected.. anyways long story short.. like i said we dated for about 2 months, he told me how much he was really liking me and he would make little comments about getting married, but he has a tendency to be rude and make little comments about me and other guys... I really like him too but due to some stuff he does that i dont want to be involved in i decided to end the relationship. I know he was upset but he text me saying he wants to remain friends and has no hard feelings.. i was relieved as i do like hanging out with him. Well ever since then he has still text and called me everyday, he still calls me names like babe and boo and he constently makes comments about how we are not together anymore.. Ive been giving him the benefit of a doubt, BUT he is just starting to confuse me about what he really wants.. a day after the break up he text me asking if me and a friend of mine would be intrested in going to this new club opening.. he would get us in vip and pay for all our drinks.. i said yeah sounds fun then he added he would have a date of course but he wants us to come have fun.. Note we ended things only a day before he asked me these questions.. anyways i told him ok and then he continued with the convo asking how my day was and making his comments about us not being together.. next day comes and he texts me asking how i was doing then brought up the club again but this time was being kinda rude about it.. he was making comments about how i hang out with guys alot.. then out of no where he was like well let me know about tomorrow if you guys are going and ill try and get you on the list since i have tons of people going.. and i was like well if its a hassle then dont bother we can do something else and he said well just let me know bc like i said i have a date and we are all going to eat at this time and wil be there at that time so just let me know when u get there and ill see what i can do.. i just said ok.. at this point i was annoyed.. why invite us just to get attitude and say u will try to get us in.. anyways so later that day he started texting asking what i was doing.. another note.. when we were dating he always needed to know where i was at and who i was with.. so its like hes still being that way.. well later that night he called and i just didnt answer bc im sick of his immaturity..anyways couple days go by and we dont really talk then two days ago he calls me and we talk and joke on the phone like everything was fine.. but then he started in on how i ended things and we are just friends.. but he finally started saying he misses me and so on and so forth.. so i decided to be with him again since i do miss him, but now that we are back together its only been two days and yet hes been really weird.. like saying things to me about how i better not dump him again and lets go get married.. plus yesterday i was hanging with him and i said ok well im going to go and he grabs my wrist and said no your not leaving til i say you can leave.. and then kinda laughed but wouldnt let go so i just sat there... he brought up how i was talking to guy friends or making jokes about guys i dated that i dont talk to anymore.. he told me he thinks we r good for each other bc hes bad and im good and so i can make him be alittle better and he can show me how to live a little.. we have also recently been sexually active and hes gotten really demanding and forceful about it.. he tells me im his and i better be good when i leave to go with my friends.. im just trying to see if hes showing signs of being a controlling guy in the long run or if hes just being this way bc he is still upset that i dumped him.. He still has to ask a million questions.. what did you do last night how late where you out who all was there oh there where guys well were they cute? weird crazy questions like that.. also he makes alot of money so he likes to through that around too about how he can take care of me unlike other guys..
Your concerns and observations are very good and glad you are reaching out to verify what you are feeling and seeing. In my opinion, yes you are involved with a controlling person. When you start hearing words and seeing actions that make you uncomfortable, stepping back like you are doing is important to do. Even though the good times are fun, looking at the whole package is important to do.
He is what he is and will most likely never change. Keep listening to your heart and take note of the troublesome thoughts and feelings you are experiencing such as you not wanting to be involved in some stuff that he does –there is a reason you feel this way--how his constant need to know what you are doing and who you are with—do you really want to be around someone who watches you all of the time? And noticing his game playing which makes you feel uncomfortable--these are all very important “red flags.” Also, with words of stating that “you are his” and behaviors of grabbing your wrist and demanding forceful sex are all very controlling actions.
These type of behaviors usually never change and can become more aggressive and forceful in time. I would strongly recommend that you give yourself some space from this person with NO contact. Having contact only gives him the opportunity to play with your emotions instead of respecting your need of breaking up and staying friends which usually does not work anyway like you experienced. But just fair warning, he most likely will not respect your break up this next go around either. He most likely will continue to text, call, guilt trip you about breaking up, hint about marriage, and may even threaten your safety. All of these behaviors are in attempt to get you back to where he wants you—under his control.
Giving yourself some space is highly recommended and please be sure to always carry a cell phone with you and if he comes around uninvited or doesn’t leave when asked, call the police. That is usually the only way these guys know that you are serious about ending the relationship but you MUST maintain NO CONTACT with him. This will help you let go of the good times and move on and keep yourself safe from his controlling behaviors and techniques of his game playing.
Please write again and thank you for asking these very good questions. Looking at the whole package will give you the answers you are looking for and just remember, you deserve the very best in life and in your relationships. Living with love, peace and joy and sharing your life with someone with similar desires of respecting one another is the goal.
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education