Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 2/11/2012

Question
Hi Cathy my name is MariAnne and I'm 18. I've been with my boyfriend Justin for about 2 years. Hes a lot older than I am but he was the only one who was there for me when my parents died. He is the only one in my life I can count on and can actually trust. Recently hes starting to change. Justin has always had anger problems where he'd yell at me but he has never hit me until recently. Everything that I do makes him mad and I don't know what to do. He hits me all the time, hes even burned me before. My friends are all concerned and keep telling me to leave him but I'm afraid to. I know he loves me he is just having a hard time right now. Not too long ago I found out I was pregnant but I'm afraid to tell him because I don't know what he would do. Id rather him hurt me than hurt the baby and I just don't think this is a good environment for a kid right now. Last night I tried talking to him about what was going on that was making him so angry lately and he just got even angrier and started beating me. I don't know how to help him or help myself.

Answer
Hi MariAnne,

Thank you for writing and asking for help. Being afraid of your baby getting hurt is a reasonable concern and good for you to seek out some help so that doesn’t happen. You and your baby deserve to live with safety and without fear of harm. Thinking about how to protect your baby is very important to do and also protecting yourself from any harm so good for you to ask for help.

People who harm others is not OK and unfortunately, people who have anger problems may not be able to control themselves from harming or beating others as you are experiencing. This is NOT your fault that he behaves in this manner and taking the proper steps will be necessary to protect yourself and your baby. People with this type of anger usually never change and the rage and beatings usually get worse in time.

I am very sorry to hear about your parents—this must have been very traumatic for you and can understand needing someone during these times. Many people understand the pain and confusion you must be going through especially at a young age and can help you in this area too. There are many people who would love to talk with you that you can count on and trust. Would you like to talk to others and get support in this area?

I am also very sorry to hear that your boyfriend is treating you in this manner. He should not be hitting you under any circumstances no matter how angry he gets. People usually hit another person to silence them because they don’t want to hear what they have to say or want to know what is going on. They want the world and people to behave as they think they should in their mind and since hitting creates fear and pain, the person being hit is forced to back down and stay quiet. Do you think this is what is happening to you?

Being able to speak and express yourself is very important to do to stay happy and healthy. Living in fear, confusion and worry takes away your joy, freedom, and happiness. Also people who try to take away these positive aspects of life are also people who are only thinking of themselves and not really thinking about you. You cannot help people as such. They are 100 percent responsible for their actions and behavior no matter how angry they get. You deserve to live with good and positive feelings and making that happen is your goal. Would you like to talk to someone about how to keep you and your baby safe and work toward a joyful life? If the answer is yes, please contact an agency in Missouri from this website--they can help you: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/modv.shtml

Remember MariAnne, you deserve the very best of life and so does your baby. You can create this by taking the proper steps to make this happen by allowing others help you create a happier life. I am very concerned for you and your baby’s safety. I care about you. Will you please write me again to let me know what action you took today?

Much peace to you,

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education