Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 2/4/2012

Question
Okay, to start off I kind of get the idea that if I have to ask then the answer is yes, but still...


I've been with my boyfriend for four years, we met when I was fourteen and he was eighteen, as a side note there was no illegal actions in our relationship, but people always ask. lol

Anyway, I think there is something wrong with me mostly. Because I've always worried about being where I said I'll be and with who, and telling him if things changed. Even before it mattered.


But now, I have to be home when he gets home. But I never know when he'll get home, where he is, or anything really. He got a new job and the hours are very long. I spend most of my time, if I'm not at work, sitting at home just waiting for him to get home.
And the few times my friends ask me to come hang out I call him and ask him if it's okay. Then as soon as he calls me, saying he's on his way home, I rush home to get there before him. And if I'm not there before him he tends to get upset for awhile.
There's no yelling, or any physical action. But he makes me feel guilty. So I hardly ever go out, though that's not a big deal to me, I never was much for going out. It just bugs me that I never know where he is or with who, but I let him know everything.

I feel like it's all on me. Just the way I am. But I'm not sure.

I just kind of want to talk about it is all.

Answer
Hi Elle,

Thank you for writing to ask these very good questions. Relationships can be very confusing especially being this young and trying to figure it out. First of all, to answer your question if you are in an abusive relationship, I would need more information about how you are treated and if there are other expectations such as having to be home by the time he gets home. This could be just a bad habit that has developed or a beginning of an unhealthy pattern. If this is just a bad habit, then it can be changed and fixed. In either event, expecting you to sit home and wait for him is not a healthy pattern and really should be changed.

Allowing him to make you feel guilty is also something that needs to be changed. You have nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of when you want to spend time with your friends. Having friendships outside of your relationship is important and healthy to maintain and is a natural part of living and enjoying life. This issue could also be just another bad habit that has developed but would recommend for it to change to ensure a healthy relationship.

I would strongly suggest that you contact a professional counselor to help you with these feelings of guilt. Having these unwarranted feelings of guilt will keep you locked into unhealthy patterns. The sooner you can deal with these issues, the quicker you will be able to enjoy a healthier and happier life.

Please write again to ask more questions. You have a long and lovely life ahead of you and asking questions to help you sort these issues out is very wise of you to do so I hope you feel good about reaching out for help. Please keep asking questions as you go along and please contact a professional counselor--you most likely will be very glad you did!! Learning to live your life to the fullest with happiness is yours to make happen!

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education