Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 2/7/2012

Question
I've been married for 20 years to a man I've known for 25 years.   I come from a family with multiple divorces.    My husband comes from a long married household (but not necessarily happily), my mother in law has been hospitalized with severe depression for the past 2 years.   

If my husband and I start arguing it inevitably turns to the fact that I come from a damaged family and that maybe I "should just leave because isn't that what people from my family do?" It can never be something directed at him because he immediately shuts down and turns it into an argument about something else.   It can be small, I don't clean the bathrooms enough or big, I don't have any long term goals.

A huge issue is the way he treats our children and specifically our eldest.  Smart but a diagnosed underachiever.  My husband pretty much lays the blame for this on me but what really just gets me and now my kids, is the way he constantly belittles our children (all in their teens). Primarly focused on the oldest but it's getting worse for the other two.  He calls them names and uses snide remarks and kind of nyah nyah tone, just grating.  He also has this habit of walking away (going into another room) and muttering about how dirty things are (which it's not, I'm not a clean freak but people come in our house all the time and comment on how neat it looks and marvel at this with three kids and a dog) and how much a failure our oldest is, and how I (meaning me) don't have any expectations of my children, etc.  He does this loud enough so that everyone can clearly hear what he says.    When myself or the kids comment on this or ask him to stop he goes ballistic.  For the record, he was not a great student as a kid (I have the report cards to show that), so it's not that he is expecting his kids to live up to any "legacy."   Also, for the record, I spend ALOT of time helping my kids with homework and contacting teachers, counselors about school issues and trying to come up with strategies to help.

I try and look at his family to see if there's something that is the basis for this behavior.   Over the years I've picked up some clues.   His mother was into house cleaning and to a pretty intense degree.   His father is VERY into appearances and is very critical of people (including his family and friends).  My husbands parents did not come from money at all so it's not like they were used to things a certain way.  They made a comfortable living but not excessively so.   His only sibling lives far away from the family.

There is some history of mental illness in the family (which I just discovered last year when a parent was hospitalized).  So we can't even talk about seeing a counselor without him getting all defensive and turning into an argument about what I don't do right.   I've honestly started thinking about leaving (so I guess he's right), but don't really want to fail.  This just scratches the surface.  The other thing that has tipped the scales are the kids asking "why are you still here?"    

Reading this over it seems so jumbled but I honestly don't know where to start (or stop).   I've taken to just keeping it in because i get so tired of having the same arguments with no resolution.  We do have good times but usually when we are doing what my husband wants to do or if we all just make an effort to go along with him for a time so we can do what we want later.  If we start an argument, and I try to bring in some comparison of another family or child that we know.  It's dismissed with "it doesn't matter what other people do or think, it only matters what I think."  

I'm just not sure anymore if I'm doing more damage to my kids and me by staying than I would by getting out.   I try not to confront him in front of the kids but it become harder and harder not to call him on stuff in front of the kids when he's being  so awful to them and not really reasonable in my opinion.

Answer
Hi Stacey,

Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. I can see that you are at your breaking point and something needs to change. Verbal abuse, blaming you and having to walk on eggshells takes its toll on you and the kids as you are experiencing and now enough is enough! Deciding what to do is the next step and taking that step will guide you to the answers you are looking for.

The constant blame, his dodging responsibility and refusing to talk about these issues is his way to run and escape from dealing with his problem. Do understand that this is not your fault—he is 100 percent responsible for his actions and behavior and he has a problem that he is choosing to not deal with. There is nothing you can do until he decides to take the necessary steps to deal with his issues. You don’t need to live like this and deciding what is best for your health and well-being needs to be goal.

The world has most likely revolved around him and his needs and sounds as if he uses controlling techniques to kept it that way with little regard to your needs and wants. So the question to you is do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? And you are right, the more your kids see and feel the tension between you two, the worst it is for them. They need positive role models to help them deal with the many challenges they will be facing as they grow up.

If you choice to leave the marriage, I would suggest to contact a divorce attorney and create a plan of how to end the marriage. Let the attorney help you think through the many issues you will need to deal with and joining a support group will help as well. Another avenue to take is start learning how to effectively respond to verbal attacks, putdowns and controlling behaviors such as the ones you have described:

“turns to the fact that I come from a damaged family and that maybe I "should just leave because isn't that what people from my family do?”

“he immediately shuts down and turns it into an argument about something else”

“I don't clean the bathrooms enough or big, I don't have any long term goals.”

“lays the blame for this on me”

“He also has this habit of walking away (going into another room) and muttering about how dirty things are”

“He does this loud enough so that everyone can clearly hear what he says.”

“When myself or the kids comment on this or ask him to stop he goes ballistic”

“we can't even talk about seeing a counselor without him getting all defensive and turning into an argument about what I don't do right.”

“we are doing what my husband wants to do”

“it only matters what I think”

These actions are to get you to back down and leave him alone so he doesn’t have to deal with these issues. He makes it your fault and feeds you false messages of blame. All this is done so he can continue living his life as he sees it without much concern for you and the kids and without forcing to change his behavior. This holds true with his behavior towards the kids as you described:

“the way he treats our children and specifically our eldest. Smart but a diagnosed underachiever.”

“he constantly belittles our children”

“He calls them names and uses snide remarks and kind of nyah nyah tone”

“how much a failure our oldest is, and how I (meaning me) don't have any expectations of my children,”

There are a couple of good books that may help you understand verbal abuse and help you begin to learn ways to protect yourself from this damaging harm as listed:

Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse http://www.patriciaevans.com/books.html

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Verbal Self-Defense by Lillian Glass, Ph.D

Please keep writing as you go along and asking these very good questions. Taking the steps to create change will provide you a happier and healthier life for you and your kids. Just remember, he will most likely never change and it will be up to you to create a healthier life for you and the kids.

Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education