Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/4/2012

Question
Hi Kriss,

I'm 20, and currently in a relationship with a wonderful guy. I have pretty much everything I ever wanted in a relationship: he's not afraid of commitment, we have lots of common interests, and he's a very good person. Simply put, we're a very good match on a lot of levels.

However, I have a huge problem which is jeopardizing our whole relationship. I think I have problems due to my first boyfriend, which I was 3 years with. I think he may have been abusive, but abusive or not, I still feel the effects of his behavior: I become terribly anxious whenever sex or physical contact comes into the picture.

I'm going to have to describe a bit how it was with my ex. He had a very high libido, while mine was lower. So, the logical thing that would happen was that sometimes, he was turned on while I wasn't. However, no wasn't an acceptable answer in that relationship. If I said I didn't feel like having sex, he would say things like "You don't love me, do you?" or "I'm disgusting, aren't I?" with such a sincere look that it was heartbreaking...Over time, I ended up sort of pushing myself into having sex or letting him touch me even if I didn't want to, to avoid getting in those situations in which I felt like an abnormal, cruel, cold-hearted woman. Before I could realize it, I sort of became a slave to his needs and completely stopped saying "no". When I did not want sex, I either tried to find an excuse, like being sick or sad (I would often burst into tears to weasel out of my "obligations" - it wasn't hard, since I felt awful all the time), or I tried my best to find in me some spark of desire mixed with guilt that would allow me to have sex with him. It got to the point where when we were together, he would constantly fondle me, and all I would do was stiffen a bit even if everything in me yelled that I wanted to get away. When we spent the night together, I would even feel irrepressible urges to stay as far from him as I could and I would curl up to physically stop him from touching my breasts. Needless to say, I felt incredibly liberated when the relationship finally ended.

However, now that I'm a new relationship, I realize this behavior became a pattern which I have trouble to go out of. My new boyfriend and I had sex several times before my old problems started to creep back in. It all started the first time I turned down sex. I felt intensely shameful. Then, the next time I saw my boyfriend, I felt like since I turned down sex the last time, I should have some this time. However, I started feeling anxious about those expectations, being afraid to not meet them, so I had to turn down sex again. After that, seeing him have desire for me started making me terribly awkward and nervous. Also, because it's been a while since we didn't have intercourse, my boyfriend takes almost every kiss or nudge like an invitation and touches me a way lot more than what I can handle. It's obvious that he's tired of waiting. However, it's difficult for me to feel sexual right now because those feelings are all I can think of. I'm just constantly trying to rationalize my feelings and trying to say no without rejecting him too harshly, but still harshly enough that he leaves me alone.

Somehow all I feel towards my sex life right now is anguish: I'm scared I won't ever be able to satisfy my partner and that he'll become frustrated, and even worse, I'm scared that I'll end up just giving in and feeling horrible like I used to. I have trouble saying no: It's like the words just don't want to come out, yet I almost systematically react negatively to physical contact. I feel like I can't bear being touched at all now...but I want a fulfilling sexual life and a chance at a happy relationship. I don't want to screw up the present because of the past...

How can I solve this? Can I even solve this? Do you have any hints on where I could start?

Answer
Hi Sara,
My apologies for the delay in getting to you.  I didn't get the email notification of your question until today.  Sometimes that happens, but I wanted you to know that your question is important and there was a reason beyond my control for not getting back to you.

I am so sorry to hear about what you went through in your previous relationship.  It sounds very manipulative and controlling in an area of your life that is intensely personal...this is very painful stuff.

The answer to your question is relatively simple.  You will need to find an abuse counselor that you trust, who has understanding of sexual abuse.  This is not something that you will be able to get through by yourself.  It requires support, trauma counseling and specialized care to help you move past the conditioning that you went through during your last relationship.  

There are a few books you might check out:  The Rape Recovery Handbook, Quest for Respect, Emotional Blackmail and Boundaries.  These books may help give you some good information about what happened to you and help ease the guilt, but I would encourage you to have some face time with a counselor.  That will be most helpful.

Again, know that this was not ok, it was manipulation and abusive behavior towards you.  It does not make you any less a person or less valuable.  

I wish you the very best in your recovery and if there is anything that I can do to be of further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.