Abusive Relationships/confusion


I have been with my bf for almost 3 months. He is 28 and I am 22.. ive always been worried about our age difference but the first month of us being together put my mind at ease. We first met at a club.. which isnt my scene at all.. im a good girl never really drink or do anything bad.. hes the bad boy.. tatted up muscular handsome.. but he approached me and we started talking and next thing u know we are in a relationship.. he was really sweet and affectionate in the beginning but now im starting to notice some actions of his that are worrying me. He started acting more like a child then a bf.. picking on me.. always commenting on how hot girls on tv are.. joking about the guys i use to date and how they are pretty boys and wimpy.. we dont really kiss or touch anymore and we never really hug.. we had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago and now its like he thinks hes in control of everything.. he will be like lets go "talk" which means have sex.. and if i say no he will be like get up.. come one.. now.. so ill go bc it gets kinda scary.. ill be at his house hanging out but i work early so ill be saying im going to leave and he will grab my arms and say no ur not leaving.. at first it was kinda cute bc he would smile and laugh then let me leave.. he would kiss me tell me to be good and call him when i get home.. but a couple nights ago.. he got a little out of hand.. he grabbed both my wrist and would not let them go for anything.. he knows hes way stronger then me so i was telling him to stop that it was hurting and i was even begging him and he would just say no ur not leaving til i say u can leave.. then i said ill leave and never come back and he would be like fine leave but would proceed to hold my wrist and if i would pull away he would just grip them tighter.. he then would pretend to grab at my neck and say ur not going anywhere.. just getting really creepy about it.. plus he recently introduced holding my neck while we have sex.. im not experienced with sex at all and he knows this so idk if thats normal or not.. anyways so i finally got to leave and he kissed me and said his usual be good.. so next day hes texting me saying hi pretty girl i miss u so i said ill miss u when im done being mad.. and he said why are u mad.. i said about last night he said what did i do and i said u know what u were doing dont play dumb u where irritating me on the couch and he said lol u know i play babe and i said well that was too far,, he said k well my bad have a good night and i just said k u too then he said wow so guess i wont see u this week and i said i dont know and he said are you serious lol wow ok take care ash when u change your mind just get at me this is ridiculous.. and i said k then he said wow really alright then bye.. so i said real mature.. then a hour later he calls and i didnt answer bc i was at dinner so right after he calls he send me a text saying... lol im immature ur not answering or seein me cause i was playin with u last night lol ok ash i clearly need to step back and take a long hard look at myself lol anyways if you are done just tell me if not guess hit me up if u ever wanna talk again later.. so i was with my friend and we were talking about it and she said hes being manipulative and abusive trying to make it like he did nothing wrong so she told me what to say and this is what i text him,, im at dinner and i guess if we need to end it then so be it.. what u did was down right abusive and i wont tolerate it.. and he said i was playin and why didnt u say that but do what u want enjoy ur new dude later.. and so i said if thats ur idea of playing then id rather not play and he said then say that F*** u cant ever communicate and i said i said it hurt i said to stop i said id leave and never come back and u just said ok amd then wouldnt stop.. i think thats pretty easy communication on my part of i didnt like what u were doing.. and he said ok ash so what now and i said idk and he never said anything.. that was the last i talked to him.. he hasnt said anything to me today.. and i just dont know what to think about all of this.. he also always says things about me and other guys like im talking to them when im texting and i have to be like no its my friend steph or something like that.. he always needs to know what im doing and who im with.. i never ask who hes with or what hes going to do ... weve never fought before this is the first argument we have ever had.. i did dump him the first month we were dating bc i got scared of somethings hes into and he said ok we will be friends and he would text and call me everyday then stopped for two days then called again and we ended up getting back together but he was normal about everything then.. hes told me he really likes me and im not like girls he usually goes for bc he usually goes for the bad girls and im such a good girl.. he said im the girl hes been looking for but cant ever find.. so idk if hes just getting this way bc hes afraid he will lose me or what i just i dont know im soo so confused about this relationship please help!!

Hello, Ashley,

This is an abusive controlling, and very likely sociopathic person you are in a relationship with, that will escalate until you are very hurt or dead. Plan your escape to get away to somewhere where  can never find you, or at least, never affect you again in any way.

Don't let him know you are planning this, and when you execute this while he is gone, leave no way for him to find you.

Visit a battered women's shelter for a place to start and learn how to escape this. Read www.lovefraud.com Then do what they tell you. Your life depends on it.

Best to you,

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Sonya Snyder


All answers pertaining to surviving and leaving abusive relationships


Was a victim of domestic violence and abuse, and studied to get my MA in forensic psychology to understand the abnormal mind of serial abusers. Much abuse isn't physical, and though it can be the most damaging long term - the emotional abuse is rarely understood nor dealt with by our court and legal systems, leaving victims feeling trapped and unsupported. I will give back to others what I have learned as a successfully surviving and thriving veteran of both family and domestic abuse, so they can get out, heal, and live truly free, too.

BA Journalism, soon-to-be completed MA in Forensic Psychology

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