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Abusive Relationships/Can't communicate with my boyfriend.


I have a very complicated relationship. I have been with my "boyfriend" for almost 3 years, and the way it all started was kind of different. Basically, since the beginning he told me that what he wanted was a relationship with BDSM role play (you know, that master and slave thing) and, in the beginning I accepted, because honestly I really wanted to give it a try. And it was great, sex was great, it was something new to my life.

Our relationship was not just sex. We were also together during the day as friends and maybe as a couple when we were alone. Time passed and I started to feel strong things for him. I told him that I loved him and he did not say anything in return... after maybe 9 months.

Now he says that he loves me, we also plan our future together, and I really count on that because I do want to spend my life with him. But he is really demanding, he really wants me to be in that BDSM role 24/7 and I canīt do that, not all the time.

Now lately everything is worse. In every discussion he keeps insulting me until the moment he makes me cry in front of him. Once, when I was almost certain to finish everything with him, he threatened me to publish some personal pictures of mine, and he used some psychical violence. I was really scared that time. He was like mad, he was something else. He really made me consider to stop everything once and for all. But again, he made me change my mind after that(he starts saying that he loves me and all that rubbish)

It is really frustrating, and really painful. I have tried to do everything, I have tried to be what he wants, what he considers perfect... but I canīt. It has gotten to the point that every night there is a fight, in which he keeps insulting me and degrading me and if I want to defend myself, or express my feelings he just tells me to shut up. I know I sound pathetic, and my mind keeps telling me that I am stupid, but I canīt leave him. I canīt express any doubts from my side, I canīt say that I need some time to think things over because then he turns that into a fight.

And I canīt say this to anyone. I have friends, close friends, but it will be really embarrassing to tell them my situation (I am perceived as a strong and proud woman) and besides my relationship is so weird that I canīt tell the whole story.

Thanks in advance for reading my story. I just need someone to listen to me. Sorry for my English, it is not my first language.

Hello, Denisse-

You have a lust/and BDSM addicted person who is maladaptive. Does it help to know he cannot love another? He is using you as a sexual object in bondage. Always has, always will. Get this - there can be NO honest love between someone like this and another, he will seek out control and abuse as his thrill and what he likes and desires. He went along with the rest, said what he had to, played along to get what he really wants, which is the total BDSM control.

You need to go no contact, and do so quietly without him finding out until you are safely away and he can't ever find you. These people turn dangerous and physically violent when provoked and left. Also it would be nice if you could delete his stash of photos and evidence of you, because he will retaliate and expose them. If you cannot get them without exposing your plans to flee safely, then consider it a lesson learned and a hard one.  

I would not go beyond calling the police to help you in advance, and also a women's shelter who deals with this type of abuse. You will need the support of people who can help and understand.

Best to you.

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Sonya Snyder


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Was a victim of domestic violence and abuse, and studied to get my MA in forensic psychology to understand the abnormal mind of serial abusers. Much abuse isn't physical, and though it can be the most damaging long term - the emotional abuse is rarely understood nor dealt with by our court and legal systems, leaving victims feeling trapped and unsupported. I will give back to others what I have learned as a successfully surviving and thriving veteran of both family and domestic abuse, so they can get out, heal, and live truly free, too.

BA Journalism, soon-to-be completed MA in Forensic Psychology

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