Abusive Relationships/I left my abusive husband
I am 49 years old, unemployed and suffer from depression. I left my husband of 5 years in Oct, 2012. I had counselling with 4 different counsellors over the years to help me through all the feelings I had. I went through denial, thinking it must me making my husband abuse me.
In the end I realized that after trying to change myself, he was never going to stop being abusive. I tried communicating with him but he didn't understand. It was all about him and that I should understand the pressures he was going through.
At one stage I just observed his behaviour and found that he seemed to thrive on negativity and I could see a pattern in his behaviour. My husband is Lebanese (muslim) and said a lot of his anger was about problems happening over in Syria. I married him when he wasn't a citizen.
Now he's a permanent resident and I feel he used me to stay in Australia. I did write a letter to the Minister of Immigration but it was too late as he had already become a resident. Anyway, I decided I had to go but I left without money, a place to go and I'm in the middle of studying nursing and not working. It's been tough. I left knowing I tried everything.
He was not only abusive he also committed fraud by dumping his car in the bush and claiming insurance and he never pays tax. After I married him he was in trouble with the tax office and I tried to explain to him that in Australia it's important to pay tax and be an honest person but he seemed to want everything for nothing.Since I left I have moved 3 times renting rooms.
I still cry, feel depressed and have issues with low self-worth thinking if he used me and didn't want to change to save our marriage, perhaps he never really loved me.That hurts feeling this way. I'm trying hard to continue studying so I can hopefully get a job at the end of the course which finishes in May, 2013.
But I seem to be the one suffering and in a homeless situation. I'm not young either and sometimes I feel like ending my life. I can't see myself in the future and can't seem to get out of this black hole.
Thank you for writing and expressing your thoughts. Living with abuse can beat you down to feeling worthless as you are describing. Taking the positive steps as you are doing will help move you in the right direction. Being proud of being true to yourself, leaving an abusive situation and continuing to study nursing are all very good steps to take to rebuild your life. Accepting that you may have been used by your husband is painful and learning ways to move on is challenging. But once you are able to move forward knowing that you will be living a better life, then the pain of such events in your life will lessen.
Getting involved with activities such as meditation, yoga or group therapy can help as well. Focusing on your life and what you need to feel good about yourself will help you set the goals needed to get you through this rough time. College campuses usually offer activities as such or look in the local newspaper for organizations that you can join to help refocus on your life. Learning about mindfulness which is staying in the moment can also be a positive experience which you can learn about on this website as well as group sessions to help you heal: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/services-for-survivors/path-to-recovery
The most important issue is keeping your head up high and moving forward as you are doing. The pain of abuse and betrayal will lesson in time and joy and happiness will return. Understanding that what happened to you is NOT your fault and that there are people in this world who take advantage and abuse others for their own means does happen which is very unfortunate. Learning and looking for the red flags of people as such will also help keep you safe from being around them again. These are all good steps to take and being proud of your new life will get you to where you want to go.
Getting involved with group therapy with others involved in similar situations can help you realize you are not the only one who got mixed up with people as such which is available on the website as listed above. You deserve the very best in life and have the power to make that happen. Please continue reaching out to others who can help and keep moving forward like you are doing to a happier and healthier life! You are doing a great job! Much peace to you!
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education