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Abusive Relationships/My boyfriend is always a victim and always feeling bad for no apparent reason

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QUESTION: I know that my story sounds so strange but I really need the help of a person to help me put a finger on what could be the problem. My boyfriend recently came to visit me in my country, all under my cost (ticket and rent). I could afford it, so I did it without any obligations of refunding me.

Since he came, things were much tensed between us as he constantly had a contract at the back of his mind. He did not want to lose this incredible opportunity at any cost. So he sold his car, borrowed money from the bank, brother and friends but still lack a significant amount to complete the work.
I donít want to write a long post but the remaining part, I took a loan to help him. Listening to his words, I had no doubts on his integrity to settle the loan in full in January. It was not over. He again asked me for an additional $800 as he wanted to buy a gift for a man who helped him in the past. This should have been the red flag but I gave in and lent him this money. He knew very well that I spent a lot but yet it did not stop him from asking me for more money that he promised to return as soon as he got back to his country. It was a real relief for me when he left as I was no longer under his influence and I could think clearly. He then got stabbed and all my money was stolen. Heís now in debt and donít know what to do.

As he is already struggling to pay his debt, I never demanded him to pay me back the money he owes me for the time being. I only reproached him for exercising poor economic sense while doing this business. He felt bad about it and blamed me that itís because of my money that Iím doing all this. He told me that heís going to sell all his property and pay me back so that I cannot say those things to him again. This is how he repays me for all the good I did to him. I find him very unfair to me and looking at it now I feel that he has abused of my feelings for him. I am to be blamed also.

ANSWER: Do you have proof that he was robbed? I mean, other than his words, his explainations, do you have the police report, any official proof of any kind?
I hate to say this, but I think you've been conned by a clever artist who knows how to play with your feelings.
Lets see if he really sell everything to pay you back- my bet is that he won't...there will always be something going wrong, something that's not his fault, some reason that he can't pay back or needs more.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Just to provide more details. I don't have any proof that he was robbed. The day he was attacked, his brother called me to inform me. I immediately doubted. I asked in which hospital he was. Later, his brother sent me a picture of him unconscious on the hospital bed with two stab wounds on his chest. That's all the proof I have. I never seen the contract although I asked him so many times to send it to me by mail. He always had very good excuses. I'm really at a lost. I will try to investigate myself to know the truth. Thanks

Answer
Just because he was in the hospital- and even that is a "maybe" with how easy it is to doctor photoes now-a-day...even that was the case, that does not prove he was robbed...it may have been totally unrelated to money.
Maybe someone he conned before caught up with him?
You just don't know...at this point...if I were you...I'd just pull the plug on things until I see my money back as he promised.
Definitely do not spend more money on him- it's not worth it unless you see some returns first.

Abusive Relationships

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Johnny St. Tai

Expertise

Human relation is a complex machine. Whether you're feeling hurt and abused, or have fear regarding that you might've hurt someone unknowingly, let us try to understand the problem. By understanding the problem, we can face it, and resolve it. I do not deal in miracle, I deal in reality.

Experience

I have been a counsellor for 10 years. I've done both professional and volunteer work in this field. I came from a vicious family, have walked through abuse, murder attempts, addiction, and much more.

Organizations
Richmond Chimo Crisis Center.

Education/Credentials
Interpersonal/Social Relation Specialist, UBC Socialwork, 2005.

Past/Present Clients
Over 500.

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