Abusive Relationships/Am I dating a psychopath?
I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost a year and 5 months now. When our relationship first began everything seemed to be perfect, we were inseparable always doing things together and going out to places. Soon after maybe 6 months into the relationship our irresponsibility led to me being pregnant at only 19. We are both still young and the responsibility of having a child together was all new to me. My boyfriend managed to find a job and we started to try to build a future for ourselves. There was financial stress and we constantly were having arguments.
Unfortunately at 3 and a half months I had a miscarriage. It was a very emotional moment in my life, when I needed him the most but he seemed to be "okay" with it. Almost like it was not anything to be taken into consideration. After what happened the arguing continued to escalate and he slowly began to be more angry. when we had fights he would yell at me at the top of his lungs spitting in my face as he yelled. I became very nervous about his behavior. It wasn't until we were in his car one day when a argument aroused and he completely lost control of his anger and began to drive recklessly threatening that he was going to crash his car and hurt us both. I begged him to not do anything and eventually he calmed down. I broke up with him and he was devastated, always calling and texting me asking to take him back or he would kill himself. I took him back not because he was being irrational but because I really had strong feelings that drew me back towards him.
Actions speak louder then words and soon after he was being the same angry, frustrated, and bad mouthed person he was before. The arguments always consist of criticism and too a point being called a bitch more then once. Im completely fed up with it and I know that the best thing for myself is to walk away from the relationship but I don't know how. Ive tried so many times to break it off but I always find myself going back. I feel like we share something intimate because of my earlier pregnancy and somehow he makes me feel like I owe it to him to stay...Im so lost and to be honest scared of him. He's shown me that he can be very violent and thats something I don't know how to deal with or talk to him about, without him getting even more upset. In a way I feel dependent on him, and it makes me very discouraged. I need help to take the right decisions and keep my ground so he doesn't think he can treat me that way.
Thank you for writing and wanting some insight to your situation. I am very sorry you are experiencing such events in your life and want to let you know that you are asking the right questions. First of all, his behavior is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for when he acts badly such as calling you names and creating fear of harm. Also, wanting to connect about sharing something such as a pregnancy is also very common but seems to be a one-sided connection. Learning to see who and what he is by looking at his actions is important to help you clearly see the situation. Looking at his actions and behavior like you are doing is more important than listening to his words.
Your question of are you dating a psychopath really needs to turn into are you happy living with his behavior. Living with someone who yells at you at the top of his lungs, spits in your face, drives fast and recklessly and is angry, frustrated and bad mouthed doesn’t sound like someone I would want to be around. If I would not want to around someone like that, why would you? Being completely fed up with being called a bitch with consistent criticism is also a very reasonable emotion and asking yourself if you want to be around this person is really the question. The problem is that you like the good times and don’t want to let those go or the emotional attachment to your pregnancy which was traumatic.
Listening to your inner thoughts and feelings of walking away is important to do. Understand that you do NOT owe him anything—healthy relationships do NOT build on people owing something to each other or out of fear. Healthy relationships are built on love, trust and healthy communication. I would suggest that you contact a women’s organization that specializes in abusive relationships to help you learn the difference between healthy communication and abusive ones.
I don’t know if he is a psychopath but I do know that his ways are not loving and respectful. That alone needs to tell you that you are not mixed up with the right guy. Contacting a women’s organization who can help you break away and stay away would be good to do. Call the clerk’s office at your county courthouse and they will give you phone numbers of local organizations to call and usually is free of charge. Contacting an online counselor at this website will also help you learn about healthy relationships: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/
Joining this website called psychopathfree will also help you stay strong in your journey forward: http://psychopathfree.com/forum.php
Just remember, you deserve the very best in life and you have the power to make that happen. Letting someone use “bad” behavior on you is unacceptable. He will most likely never change. Please reach out to these organizations for guidance and assistance and please keep asking questions as you move forward for your safety. You deserve to live life with love, peace and joy and finding strength in your desire to do so will give you the answers you are looking for.
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education