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Abusive Relationships/Could Friends With Benefits become more?


My question revolves around a very dear friend that I made years ago. I was very attracted to him as he was to I, and so what started as a wonderful friendship turned into a friends with benefits situation. From the very beginning, he told me that although we were good friends, that our intense attraction to each other was simply a sexual relationship between friends. He valued me, he cared very much for me, loved the sex, but it wasn't going to turn into anything more, period. He just didn't like me in that way. This relationship lasted eight years. I always wanted more, always loved him and continued to bring this up with him. So an incident came up where I feared as the condom broke, of becoming pregnant. All of a sudden, I feared that what if I became pregnant? What would that do to his future, or to mine? I decided I couldn't do this to him. If a baby entered the picture of keeping him with me or making him have that obligation towards me. I was besides myself with guilt at having had that possibility happen over all these years. Anyhow, my question is, could it have ever been more? During the last year or so things began to emotionally change between us. He shared more of his life with me. Such as depending and following my advice for major decisions in his life, wanting to take me out for dinner, wanting to sleep over, and caring much more for me. In other words making me more a part of his life. Now, when I decided to end the relationship he agreed and although he was sad to let me go, he said he would do it for me. I just sometimes wonder though, if it could have ever turned into anything more? I just miss him so much and it's so hard for me to move beyond this. Thank you for your time in reading this.

Hi Rachael,

Thank you for writing and getting some ideas about your situation. Two people who enjoy each other’s company is very enjoyable and wonderful but with him setting limits of this relationship when you want more is a good reason to end the relationship. It is ok to want to take the relationship to the next level and if he doesn’t then moving on is the right decision to make. I would guess if he hasn’t changed his stance in eight years, then he is not going to change.

Bringing a baby into this world really needs to have both partners wanting to do so. If you want to have a baby, then finding a partner that wants one too would be the goal. If you really don’t want to have a baby, then there are other options to take to prevent pregnancy if you are worried about condoms breaking. Taking these steps to prevent pregnancy may help relieve these worries if pregnancy is not wanted.

As far as wondering if this relationship could have turned into anything more needs to be turned around to you seeking a relationship with the goal of being more. Waiting for someone to come around is a risky wait like you are experiencing. If that person is not willing to take it to the next level, then moving on is really your only other choice. If he wants to take it to the next level, he will not let you go. Finding someone who is interested in the next level is what you really want and really needs to be your goal. Keeping your eye on your goal will take you where you want to go.

Please keep writing and asking these very good questions. Just remember, you have the power to get what you want out of life and allowing yourself to move in that direction will give you the answers you are looking for.

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education

Abusive Relationships

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence


Are you unsure if you are living in an abusive relationship? Are you feeling confused, angry or hurt and don't know what to do? I can help you determine if you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and provide suggestions on how to create a plan for your happiness, health and well-being! Please ask questions to find out answers today! Everyone deserves to live life with happiness and joy, and I am here to help you. Are you ready to find out how you can live a better and happier life? If you are, please ask your questions today!! Asking and finding the answers you are looking for is the first step to improve you joy and happiness!


I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Prevention and Education of Domestic Abuse and Violence.

•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at or I am here with you, while you find answers that help you!

•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, FL •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Dept, FL •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center, Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

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