Abusive Relationships/lost and confused

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I have been with my girl friend for 5 years. We broke up twice in those 5 years. The first time we separated was for 4 months and the 2nd time was for 7 months. We met when we were 18. The moment i met her i knew i could feel something so strongly for her which meant even more to me because i had never been in a serious relationship. I grew up in a great family and i was the youngest out of 3. I witnessed my older siblings go through relationship after relationship and took all the positive from each and thats how i learned how to be in a relationship and what i wanted out of a relationship. i never found what i was looking for until i met her. Things were amazing as we began to get to know each other. We both made immature mistakes because we were still young but nothing ever serious. We were always loyal to each other that wasnt the problem. I wanted to be the perfect image of an amazing boyfriend. i have always been a hopeless romantic not because i couldnt attract other females but i was so picky because i was mature for my age because of my older siblings. I choose to completely dedicate myself to making my girlfriend the happiest girl in the world. I would put so much thought into everything i did for her to make it special and to make her happy. Of course i was not perfect and arguments did occur at times which were sometimes my fault but over nonsense because one of us were in a bad mood. When i began to get to know her i found out she grew up in a rough situation and have seen the woman in her life go through abusive men. This made an impact in her childhood which she took with her into the future. She never wanted to be in an abusive situation and she made sure she would remain firm and get what she wants out of a relationship. She wanted to be independent and to never have to depend on a guy. i later found out she had a harsh mentality and she was very stubborn in a unhealthy way. She had a very harsh vocabulary when she was angry which i did not have. I never once disrespected her but she began to disrespect me in many forms. I never gave in and became disrespectful. The moment our relationship took a turn was when she took on a hobby she always wanted to do since she was a child and became obsessed with it to guarantee its success. i was 100 percent accepting of it and backed her up and attended anything she was involved in to support her. This hobby of her started to change her personality as she became obsessed with it and she started to act like she was better then everyone else. She had the mentality that she would not let anyone in her way or stop her. i did not have a problem with any of it until she began to make comments and act differently. i was always to considerate and always made sure i was always there for her whenever she needed me and she began to take it for granted so i became upset. She noticed i became upset and she took it as i was starting to get angry about her hobby and i wanted to stop her. It got worse and she became more obsessed to the point i would wait at her house the entire day with her siblings because she expected me to be because it became a routine and she would come home late and continue to do research and check emails and totally deny me of any attention until she was ready. Of course this started bothering me and we would have many fights because she would not understand that i was upset not because of her hobby but her lack of appreciation for me anymore or attention and she starting becoming very cocky. This did not draw me away. Her father later on ended up abandoning the family and stop 100 percent supporting them financially and this affected her a lot because she was a bit spoiled. I was there to make sure her and her family were protected any time they needed or needed a man to do any work around the house they could not do. I would also drive my gf to work and everywhere. She started getting over the hobby but the hurt from her family situation and the hurt that her hobby wasnt working out was still with her. She became an extremely bitter person. The disrespect got worse. She became more ungrateful and just expected things. She expected all men to do what i do so she thought nothing special of what i do for her. She actually said that to my face. i started becoming bitter because of the situation i was in and i was becoming fed up. It was so hard because i loved her so much and believed i would only love her and i wanted her to change so much but could not take it any longer. It was affecting my health. i ended up breaking up with her and it did not end well. We did not speak for a while and i went through a lot of pain trying to force myself to get over her. She quickly became involved with someone else and then she got in contact with me. she lied about anything sexually happening then admit to me that she had sex only after a month of us breaking up. we were together for 3 years before that. i was so hurt and i could not deal with that at the moment even though she returned to me apologetic and told me she realized everything and how good i was. another couple months went by and we ended up bumping into each other. She was with another guy who was her bf. That night was a little crazy and there was alcohol involved but long story short at the end of the night i was her bf again and she got rid of the other. Another couple months went by and we tried to make things work. She slowly started becoming the same girl i broke up with again and one day in a fight we broke up again. We did not speak for months and i blocked her from everything to allow myself to get over her because i was still in love her. She ended getting in contact with me because she saw on the social network how well i was doing. She wanted to see me and i was hesitant for 2 weeks then agreed to see her. i found out she was seeing someone again while she asking to see me. We saw each other off and on for a couple of months then she continued to tell me how sorry she was and how she realized so much. i never tried to move on but i finally met someone and tried to move on. i wasnt able to move on and i matured a lot and i believed my ex did so i decided to try again with her. We have been together a couple months now and i am trying my hardest to keep positive and handle things better to keep the relationship together but things are becoming how they were again and the disrespect is coming back and she blames it on her past and how its because of the hurt she experienced and she expects me to understand that and understand that is why she acts the way she acts and expects me to deal with it if i love her. she is very loving and we have great days but when she turns off the switch she becomes a different person who doesnt care. She expresses her love to me so much and she does do cute things but then throws it in my face in a argument. it difficult for her to take responsibility for an action and she always wants to be right. She so strict about me understand all of her feelings and emotions which i am learning different techniques to do but she does not understand any of mine. Shes hypocritical when it comes to that and there are so many double standards. we are both older now and i really want to make it work but it is becoming very unhealthy for me. She is constantly belittling me and throwing things in my face and throwing the past in my face and never understand any of my feelings and expects me to understand all of hers... i do not know what to do and its taking a huge toll on me.

Answer
Hey Nick,

Thanks for responding to All Experts. It seems that there are many underlining issues between you and her. First and foremost, in a relationship there must be respect. If the respect is lost then it's all down hill from there. We all have broken dishes from our past that seems to surface at some point in a relationship. It's the understanding of the past that builds us for a better tomorrow. Obviously her past relationship with her parents have molded her presently. It's not to say that it can't be fixed. But she needs to address those issues before she can proceed any further in any relationship. She is seeking Nick. She is seeking an answer that only she can find. You can help but only if she lets you. If she doesn't, then you need to gauge how far you want the relationship to progress or until you have had enough of your dignity and self respect trampled on. She needs help and she needs it fast. This reminds me of a bible scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 where it talks about true love the way it's suppose to be.

I know you love her and you want to understand her. It's a long process Nick to understand the human psyche and there are no easy answers but your heart of understanding acquires knowledge, and the ear of wise one seeks to find knowledge. Be patient and seek to understand her past and let her know that. Be different from the rest of the men she has known and make a difference in her. You will see why she is the way she is and she will be able to get a better grip on herself. Now, this is only is you still want the relationship to continue.

I wish you well,

DDD

Abusive Relationships

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Dr. DDD, M.S.,Psy.D, CASA

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I will help you make an informed decision. Through my scholar and experiential experience, I can try to qualify the answer to almost any question. I have a multitude of resources at my disposal to be disseminated to all those who want to help themselves. I can only provide solutions if you are willing to make an honest effort to help yourself. I can facilitate the response but ultimately you are the answer.

Experience

I have been in the civil service field of the law enforcement and judicial system for over 15 years in juvenile and domestic violence ranging from verbal abuse to physical and sexual abuse. I have investigated the cause and effect of abuse from its inception to unfortunate outcomes. My goal is to give you the power to make an informed decision so that it ultimately benefits you and your family.

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I have many secular organizations that I am associated with that has enabled me to utilize my knowledge and experience to aid those within those inside and outside the organization.

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I have legal publications where my secular work has been noted.

Education/Credentials
I have a Masters in Criminal Forensic Psychology along with associated certificates involving legal, psychological, and family matters. I have been a mediator in my secular employment and also a hostage negotiator. I have also studied theology and always relate spiritual matters to help people by seeking the scriptures for answers. God is the foundation of any good marriage and I would be remiss if I did not involve him in at least a small area of your concern.

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I am a decorated officer with commendations relating to field. But my awards and honors that I value is when I am able to help somebody in thier times of need.

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