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Abusive Relationships/40 years of rage-is it too late to do anything


So glad I found this site. I wish I had found something like this years ago. My husband and I have been married for 40 years. Since about 2 weeks after we were married he has yelled at me. Nothing I do is good enough. He is very large and uses that to intimidate me.
Most of the abuse has been verbal, but he has shoved me and pushed me out of bed. He has broken down doors multiple times and once I got minor cuts from the broken glass. I have learned to just walk away when I can because there is no talking to him. I always make him act that way according to him. What scares me the most is when he drives fast. He has always done this. I can't leave then. He has done this with our kids in the truck. I don't know how to approach him about counseling. He thinks everything is mine or anyone elses fault for making him mad. He's getting older so the events are getting less often, but just as violent.
I am a Christian so do not believe in divorce.
I know it's been a long time, I guess I just need to know what I should do. He is very jealous although I have never given him reason to be. I saw you are a Christian Counselor, what can I do as a Christian in this situation. I don't even know how to talk to him. He says things that don't make sense. I would like to experience some peace in my life for a change. He is a Christian,too. Maybe if I approached this the right way??
What I have been doing so far hasn't helped. I've tried yelling back, calmly standing up for myself, threatening with leaving. ignoring the outbursts, trying to be nice and soothe him, doing whatever he wants. How do I raise my own self esteem in this situation? I am especially concerned about the reckless driving.He is getting older and the reflexes have to be slowing down. Our son works with him so is in the truck with him alot.
Thank you so much for your time

Hi Ruth,
Please excuse the delay in getting back to you.  For some reason my email account started transferring my notifications to my spam box.  I am very sorry.

I understand that as a Christian, we have been taught that divorce is a no-no.  That is not true.  Divorce is permitted in the case of unfaithfulness, as well as abuse and neglect.  It is never appropriate for a Christian man to abuse his wife, which is what you have been suffering.  It must stop and it is your husband's responsibility to stop it.

I would refer you to a book called Not Under Bondage or go to my website at and click on the Library page.  You will find an article titled What God Has Joined - you need to read that.

The first thing that needs to happen is that you and your husband need to go to counseling.  If he will not go, the next step is to establish your own boundaries with well defined consequences that WILL HAPPEN if those boundaries are crossed. Those consequences can include calling Law Enforcement if you feel threatened.  If he will not change, then you do need to leave.  Especially if he is physically injuring you.  Pushing, shoving and material damage is physical abuse and needs to be stopped.

He is not behaving appropriately and this is not your problem, it is his.  You cannot change his behavior by mediating yours.  For more information you might look at my blog located at  There is information there on how people change, what percentage of abusers tend to change and what the cycle of abuse looks like.  You might also read books that include, Abusive Men and the Women Who Love them, Dealing with Difficult People, and other such books that deal with emotional or verbal abuse and why women stay in those situations.  God certainly does not want you to.

I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP


I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.


Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

I currently maintain a blog at I also have links and currently written articles on my website at You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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