Abusive Relationships/anger/violence


QUESTION: hello,
today in college my boyfriend wanted to make out but i was not much interestd..i wanted to go home so i continuously tried to go out of college. he was holding my hand and tried to prevent me from going downstairs. when i was telling a "no" all the time he got angry and said "ok go to home" in anger.so i immediately started walking ddownstairs then he got very angry and gave himself two slaps.by this time i also got very angry on him and started moving very fast..he was then and telling me to stop and when i told him that i hate his violence towards himself he argued a litle and then suddenly holded my throat and pushed me on the staircase.i was shocked and scared felt like crying.
 I then couldnt resist it and immediately tried to get rid of him,he was then apologizing a lot. he came with me in the auto and continuosly told that he didnt do it intentionally.i wanted to break up since i am afraid that he will do this in future.but as we are deeply in love with each other so i cant leave him and he is also trying to get me back. so what should i do now..should i breakup or just give him another chance?

ANSWER: Hi Rumi,

You got in touch  with me  in a  crucial time of your life.May  be you are surprised I  use the  word   'crucial'.!

His action seems to me the foundation of many other  troubles in the future.I suggest you  give   a  break to this  relation for  a year and then  can consider this relationship.If his  love  is genuine and  heart oriented(not body oriented) then  he will wait.

Have  a nice  day


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hello Dr. Sunu

I m Rumi here again. By the time u gave me the response i was in college.. so i read ur ans now.. may be its late.

Today in college i hav forgiven my boyfrnd & tried to give him another chance coz it was vry dificult for me to stay without him & be angry for so long.

I didn't mention u the positv points about my relation. So let my share it then u tell me if i hav already done a blunder by forgiving him so soon.

I am in a 2 yr relation, before going to the relation i told him to leave his adictions like smoking & drinking(1 tym in a week-as told by him).. he agreed to that & lied to me that he left smoking & drinking. then i found it after 1month of relation in his chat with his freind. I hate lies so asked for a brk up & then he finaly convinced me tat he will really leave that...then he really left his addictions. Then for 2yrs he treated me quite well. he had filled my life with love and trust that he broke yesterday..

He treats me well bcoz he gives me his time as much as i need. till now never found anythng wrong with his character..he constanty rings me if i m angry, he always pays for the infinite calling minites available in docomo. he used to spend more money on the 1st yr of relatn now he does comparitively less. I have moderate hearing problem, he has always been okay with that, i need an ear operation which i cant do now coz i m studying btech 3rd yr(he also-differnt department). So he has constantly supported me in this health issue.. my mother knows bout our relation , his mother also came to know once but she is not comfortable with the relation. he lost his father at the age of 6 months , he lives with his mother and aunt(mother's sister). He messages my leg if it pains, we make romance 3-8 days in a month... he never hit me before. today also he was regreting a lot. . ...

The things which i m confident is that he loves me,is not cheating on me. things i m not sure is if it will work, if he can make his mother understand or accept our relation.

I will be highly thankful if u answer me here.

Did i do a mistake by trusting him & forgiving him?

I will try to keep him away from touching me ,let me see what he does.. and another thing i made a deal long time back that we will romance for only once in a month,he agreed but its always atlst 3 days in a month or  more. so today when i told him that u will take me for eating out in resturant 3 days a month he told me " 1 day romance and 3 day eating out..wah wah..haha". that was a thing which is ofcourse very questioning!!!

thank u.

Hi Rumi,

I get a  better  understanding of  the situation after your  second  mail.I  wont say  you made  a mistake in forgivong him.It will help you  both very  very much to find the genuinity of this relationship if you don't touch each other till marriage.

I suggest  no sex till mariage.

You may contact me through placladoc@yahoo.com for further clarity


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Dr.Sunu Sundar


I am a psychologist committed to Christ and enjoy relationship in His company.I can answer questions related to sexually abusive relationships in families. I can effectively deal with victims of abusive relationship. I am also efficient in dealing with child abuse and incest. I am here to help others who have questions related to above said issues. You may visit www.mindpanchakarma.org to know more about my mission


I have been a dealing with victims of sexual abuse since 2000.I have dealt with many teenagers who suffered abusive relationships. Listening to victims of incest and child sexual abuse has made me a better counselor in dealing with these issues.

Mind Detoxification Therapy Home Ashram(MDT) In Mind Detoxification Therapy Home Ashram we treat people focusing on holistic healing. Various types of therapies offered here for detoxifiying the mind and body are derived from the wisdom of traditional Indian medical system and medicines. Victims of abusive relationship are offered special One to One residential therapy for complete healing of mind. Special packages for healthy life are available for couples and students. Treatments offered her are based on alternative medical system derived from the wisdom of saints on ancient times. Treatments are harmless with no side effects. A team of doctors headed by Dr.Sunu,committed towards the welfare of the patients are on duty in the MDT clinic

I have been writing on psychological issues in a Tamil monthly magazine called 'KULANTHAIGAL PARALUMANTAM'. I also write in a health magazine Makkal Maruthuvam.

I have a Master degree in Psychology. I also have another Master degree in Sociology. I have taken intense training from the Jesuits for seven years in the field of Personality, Self, Discipline and Morality. I am a psychologist committed to Christ and enjoy relationship in His company.

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