Abusive Relationships/Inappropriate sexual language by father
Hi Gurza, I hope you can help me shed light on this issue.
We are 4 siblings- a daughter and 3 sons, all in our 20s-30s now. My father has always had no boundaries as far as his choice of conversations with us since we were children. He likes talking about sex, either in details (your step mom just gave me a blow job; your brother has a huge penis); questions - are you going to get some on now?; or just hit on any waitress, flirt with every woman, cheat on his girlfriends and give us the scoop, etc. I've always brushed it off as him being a bit of a perv or "dirty old man", and him trying to be "cool" around us. Its worse for my brothers the conversations... we've always been embarrassed by his behavior and asked for him to stop. He wouldn't. I recently spoke with one of my brothers and he reminded me that my father would force us to kiss him (a greeting/peck) on the lips, around ages 12 we all put stops to this and offer a hug or cheek, he would try and convince otherwise. A few years ago I told him I only kiss my husband on the lips- not my father. My brother also mentioned that my father would play a game in the pool with them where he would insert his thumb in their anus and laugh. They would object and try to get away. He also would shower with me till I was so embarrassed and put an end to it around age 11 when I started developing. I remember when my brother was 4 my father would be amused from my brother lying on my stepmother and hold her boobs. My father encouraged this. Till this day he walks around naked in front of my brothers. When I asked him about his loose behavior he explained that my grandparents were very strict and old fashioned and he isn't. My questions are - is this considered sexual abuse or just inappropriate parental behavior? And what would be the term to describe my father's disorder? I feel I might be excusing him and brushing off his behavior when maybe there is something more serious here. I have 2 young boys and am very concerned, Thanks you for your time.
I'm not sure if you meant to address this email to me, but it came to me so I will give you my professional opinion. The behavior that you described would be considered sexual abuse. In regard to your question about a disorder, without personal contact and an assessment, it would not be appropriate to talk about a particular disorder, however his behavior indicates that he is not appropriate with children and your children are not safe around him, especially when he is violating their bodies.
This seems to be a long term pattern. He needs to know that your family will not tolerate it any more and he will be reported should he engage in this type of inappropriate behavior again. This is not just loose behavior and it should be made abundantly clear that if it doesn't stop, he will not be included in events where children are present. Even at that, no child should be left alone with him or be in the pool with him. Has he ever demonstrated this behavior with children outside the family?
With regard to his behavior in public and/or his conversations with you, consequences need to become a part of the process. You are embarrassed, you tell him to stop, however there are no consequences outlined if he doesn't. You are correct; he is out of line. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't, walk away, don't be with him in public, don't invite him to social gatherings etc. You have to include consequences for his actions or there will be no incentive for him to stop doing the behavior. If you all need to, get together and sit him down for a type of intervention. Make sure you all know what you want to say to him and include consequences when you establish what you want as boundaries.
It his difficult to say, without proper assessment, if he would be classified as a full pedophile, however you are also minimizing what he is doing if you just brush it off. This must be taken care of for your sakes and for your children.
I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.