Abusive Relationships/Abusive?


QUESTION: I am not so sure what this is all about but I met a man last December through work and we clicked right away! He is a fashion photographer/agent and I was one of his models. He fell for me right away and was so inspired and impressed with the person I was. He treated me like gold like I never been treated like. He mentioned that he just got out of a relationship but it sounds rocky to me. He introduced me to a lot of his friends, neighbors and he even invited me to attend to church with him. I never had that type of experiences before.  His friends say he is a nice guy and lovely person. He would ask me out a lot, and worked together on projects. He even offered me a side job as being his personal assistant. I noticed somedays he would change his mind about certain things and get a little depressed on some days. He even broke his guitar on Christmas Day since he was feeling frustrated with the plummer. I remember on day he was trying to go through my iPhone and I acted like I didn't care but the other women at the party noticed and seemed weary about it.  The next day when his phone made a sound when he recieved a text I got up and mentioned it to him and he immediately says,"Please don't look at my phone!" I didn't. When I go out he doesn't really seem to care but everything seemed like it was going well. I kept it professional because I knew he was going through some things with his ex girlfriend and not so sure how he was feeling about me. We never made out or had sex but I spent the night with him on New Years Eve since we went to the same party.
I noticed this past week and a half he has been distant with me and not asking me out as much as before. Not as involved with my projects and us working together. If I do a followup on something he would say, "Great. I am heading to bed. Night." Even at 5 pm. Thought it was odd. Last night he acted odd and says some strange stuff that he already had plans for his bday. I was trying to do something nice for him and I was actually shocked. I asked him what was going on. He says I can't handle the everyday pressure (meaning work stuff. Me being his personal assistant) He was giving me all of these instructions last week and wanted to attend to this event with me and then he changes his mind about everything. He says we are friends and that is it and that he is in a relationship when last week he is trying to move on and forget. It is so strange...very strange to me. I thought we were building a great friendship. He wanted me to go to church with him today but I didn't bother going. I was so mad at his behavior and I wanted to drop some stuff at his place that had to do with work and was heading over there. I was a few blocks away and sent him a message that I was there to drop stuff off. He responds,"Who is this? Is this a private line?" I was kind of confused and told him it was me to drop some stuff off. He goes, "Don't leave stuff at my door without my permission and I am out rest of the month"  Well his car was there but I don't know if he was out in the area which he does a lot. I didn't drop the stuff off and didn't want to piss him over even more. He says,"I will contact you if I need you. Peace" I wanted to be respectful and by saying, Have a great day. He says you too.  Last Thursday he was telling me that he was going to give me an extra pair of keys to his studio.
I am so confused what is happening here. Everything was great and then he flips into a completely different person. WHO IS THIS? He knew it was me! Is he really trying to shut me out of his life or is he trying to control me and have it on his terms?
Things seemed to be going well until now. :(

ANSWER: Hi Allison,
Thank you for the details of this situation.  Although it is impossible to determine why he is acting the way he is, the answer to this is pretty simple...walk away.  This individual is either back in a relationship with another person or he is highly unstable.  Either one puts you in the same position, you should walk away.  Anyone who treats another person like this is trying to send a message without having the conversation that should go along with it.  That kind of a person is not relationship material.  It sounds like he was using you and is now finished.  

I am sorry that this is happening to you.  I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I don't know how he was using me? It just doesn't make sense at all...we built a great friendship with a great start and all the sudden he flips into a different person. I was shocked when the next day he didn't recognize my text and asked who it is? Really? We spent so much time together for a month and a half...is he playing games? So strange and it doesn't make sense at all.

Hi Allison,
I agree, it doesn't make sense.....however things usually don't when one person has an agenda that the other person doesn't know about.  It just depends on what is going on in the background of his life.  

Even if you did figure out exactly what was going on, this is probably not someone that you would want to have in your life.  He either has some mental health issues going on, or he has some things going on in his life that he hasn't told you about or he had an agenda for this relationship and that agenda has changed, which you also don't know about.  Any of these don't build a foundation of trust for any kind of relationship whether it be personal or professional.

Hopefully somewhere down the road you will get the information that you are seeking with regard to what has happened here....sometimes it is from another person who just happens to mention something or what the person was hiding eventually comes out into the open.  It sounds like he was playing games with you for some reason and he hasn't been truthful about what was really going on.  In reality, there isn't enough information for you to make any kind of a decision with regard to the truth about what has happened here, but there is something going on in the background.  

I wish you all the best and am sorry that you have had to go through this unfortunate experience.  I hope that your next experience is a better one.

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP


I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.


Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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