Abusive Relationships/Verbal violence
Well, I'm not a native English speaker but I'll try to explain my problem.
I've been on a relationship for almost 3 years, for the first 3 or 5 months everything was fine but then everything changed
I have always been very confident about myself and a really social and communicative person, but this was my first relationship and I didn't know very much about what to expect or how I should behave. At the beginning I had no troubles, but i received so many comments from him about other girls, that i thought were normal. For example, he used to talk to me constantly about his previous partner, I mean daily and not just that, but also he did really positive comments saying that she was a really great woman and so, he remembered her such in a good way that for me the situation started to get suspicious, but I said nothing because I thought that is was normal. But that wasn't the only thing, he also had a really thoughtless way to talk about other girls in my presence, I don't know how to say that in english but he said things like: "that girl has such a hot body!", "I have a friend that has such a provocative body that this could be considered as a sin", "in this place, are so many hot girls that you need to rent another pair of eyes to see everything", "I had a friend at university that was so pretty and so beautiful, everybody wanted to be with her, but she wanted me but...I didn't accepted", " if I wanted, I could get any girl in the world, but well I'm with you", and so.... and his words expressed so much desire and emotions that I believed he really was dying to have something with them but he was just "conformed" with me. I started to feel bad about it, because he said that all the time, at every moment, so automatically I started to not believing his words, in a way that when he told me..ohh you are beautiful, I didn't believe it, I couldn't because I thought that if he liked all that girls so so much, and he had such a desire for them, why does he want to be with me?. I talked to him, and I told him I felt bad and sad for everything that he said in such an unconsidered way but the answer I got was: You are crazy! I can speak the way I want, the one who has a problem is you, not me, so if you don't like that kind of comments, deal with it! and then he told me to fuck off and to start disturbing him with my issues.
Obviously I felt bad and I started to depress, every time I tried to talk about it, I got the same answer or worse, he started insulting me, saying me that I was nobody to disturb him with my problems, that his time was so valuable that he had no need to spend it discussing with me, that it wasn't worthy, that I was crazy again, that it's completely normal to do that kind of comments to a girlfriend and that then he told me that everything I said was just "shit", and I that if I didn't agree with his conditions, I could go because he could easily get someone much better than be.
I spent so many months trying to talk to him, but every time I felt worse, and never confronted him. I started to think that I had no value as a person, that I was ugly, dumb and that nobody would want me.
One day I talk to a friend that make me realize all that I was, and that I deserved respect, so that day I started defending myself, and he reacted violently against me, insulting me in every possible way, and then I just cried, but at least I didn't feel so bad about myself as first. Little by little I started to learn how to improve my self esteem and how not to feel so bad about the things he said.
One day he accepted stop saying those things that hurt me, but that solved just a part of the problem, because I continued thinking I had no value for him. On march 2013, we had a discussion which I asked him to talk in order to solve all the problems we had, he told me again that I was crazy and needed a psychiatrist, that nothing was bad except that I practically had shit on my head and he ended the relationship. I started crying but suddenly I realized I had no reasons to cry anymore, he treated me bad, he insulted me every week, so I wanted nothing with him.
One week later my bf told we was sorry for all that had happened, and he asked me to start again, and I refused because I felt really hurt. Some weeks later I started to date a guy I knew from elsewhere, and we rapidly started a relationship, obviously I wasn't in love with him, i was still in love of the other guy, but I just wanted to forget about the previous situation. Unfortunately my ex boyfriend found out about this new relationship and he was furious, he started threating me with all kind of things, and insulted me one more time calling me a bitch, a slut.
3 months later I finished that relationship because I realized I wasn't doing it for the right reasons, and one month later I restarted my realtionship with my ex. But since then everything has been a nightmare, he continue remembering that I was with someone else, he said to me I have no respect for him,that I betrayed him and as a result of that he calls me slut, whore, bitch and all that synonymes everytime, and, on the other hand I cannot avoid thinking that I'm not valuable for him, and that I'm not considered as a pretty girl for him.
I really would like to solve this problem but I don't know how, or if the right decision is to stay way from him.
Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. When things start to feel uncomfortable and you begin losing confidence in yourself, then something needs to change. Healthy self-preservation, self-respect and self-esteem are very important for you to live a happy and healthy life.
Another issue to understand is that you can NOT change him. Looking at him for who and what he is and making decisions is in your power—trying to change him is NOT. With all of your attempts of telling him how he is hurting you, he clearly demonstrates that he is not interested in listening to you or changing to keep from hurting you. Furthermore, he tries to make the problem your problem by telling you that you are crazy, to deal with it, and to stop disturbing him.
This is a one-way relationship with him wanting things his way. Healthy communication involves both people listening to each other and working out these type of issues, not one partner tearing the other down because he doesn’t want to deal with it. This type of communication is NOT healthy and will most likely NOT change. Your only real choice is to leave this relationship because he will most likely NOT change his ways.
You deserve the very best in life and have the power to make good choices to make that happen. Taking the steps to retain and protect your healthy self-esteem needs to happen for your health and well-being as well.
Please keep asking questions as you move forward but always remember you have the power to change yourself and create the life you want to live but don’t have the power to change someone else. See and accept people for who and what they are and commit to being around only with people who treat you with love and respect.
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education