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Abusive Relationships/my 24 year old daughter

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QUESTION: sorry that I am starting a new question I coulnt find the email I recieved before  so I am adding a copy of the 2nd.question I asked
Thank you for the quick response. It was great to hear that I am doing some of things correct.  This is by far the hardest thing Iíve ever had to do. `
I had a good day with my daughter and grandson last Thursday. When I picked her up I said I wanted us 3 to spend the day together but I didnít want to talk all the crap she has going on, nor did I want to talk about her boyfriend, and that was a really nice day together. I finally could breathe a little easier.
But then last night she wanted to use my car for a appointment the next day .I knew inside that there was more to! (like she was going to use my car to drive him to wk)  so I told her I would pick her up in the morning and she could drive me to wk and then go to her appointment .
Then the truth appeared!  She also wanted to give him a ride to wk, And asked if I could leave earlier and do this. I said NO I do mind and I wonít be involved in how your boyfriend gets to wk. not my responsibility. Well that leads to a big texting fight!  Now she says I donít do anything for her (which led me to a rage to say the least)
I did tell her that if she chooses to stop talking to me ďher mother because I wonít give her boyfriend a ride, then fine! I canít help that.   
During the texting conversation I couldnít help to think I wasnít talking to my daughter, that it was him texting me. Just by the way things were worded. In the past I have had full conversation throughout the day with I thought HER only to find out it was him. so I also told her that I am done texting her , she can call me because Iím pretty sure I wasnít talking to her.
I feel that if I give in even a little with doing anything for her boyfriend that is going to open the door wide again and I donít want that.
What are your thoughts?
Answer
You are exactly right.  Once you set a boundary you need to keep it.  He has convinced her to be deceptive with you as well and I think it was good insight that you were not texting her.  Having her speak with you is a good solution to that problem, as long as she doesn't put you on speaker phone.
NEW QUESTION IS>>>>
Some things have change and she moved back in with us. I am happy to have her and the baby home.
But now she is driving me crazy with asking if she can use my car to go see him, I donít want her to lie to me but I know she will see him.  So I am stuck on what to do with this and not have iot turn into a huge fight.
Sometimes I think she is so confusedÖlike she did me a favor by moving back! I wanted them to YES but she also knows he was losing the apartment and she had nowhere else to go but back to us.
I donít understand why she is SO freaking protective over this loser still.  She says she is depressed and she wants to see him (blahÖmakes me ill inside for sure) how do I make her see that he will not change! That she can DO and be so much better without him.
on a good note I did ask her about going to talk to someone and she agreed, and I think I am going to do the same thing.   I need help on this because I know I am outspoken and can be pushy and I lose my temper .  not to mention I am stressed to the core over this night and day. Thank God for wine 
I need to find someone quick before she changes her mind. (Is your office in Mo ? )

ANSWER: I would assume that the condition to her moving in was to stay away from him.  It is actually pretty normal for a woman to leave and go back several times.  She is only 24 and doesn't have the experience with these individuals that you and I have.  I'm glad that she is willing to see someone.  Make sure you choose an abuse counselor as other types don't have the experience that you need.  If you have a domestic violence center or a women's center in your area, they have appropriate Counselors or could refer you to one.  

If I were you I would not let her borrow your car.  If she needs to go somewhere either take her or go with her.  Your insurance will probably like it better if you are driving.  That will cut down on the visits.  You didn't want to support the relationship before she moved in, why would she assume you would support it after she moved in?  If she wants to continue the relationship, she isn't going to do it from your house.  Just a side note, never ever argue or problem solve over text.  It is a TERRIBLE form of communication and can cause more problems than it solves....simply because you are missing 75% of the ingredients in normal communication.  

There is a little book called "The Sociopath Next Door".  In it you will find one of the four profiles to be a likeness of the guy your daughter is going with.  The profile outlines a guy that expects his wife to do everything from clean the house to earn the money and he has no feeling about doing nothing himself.  That is a sociopath as much as someone who is mean and controlling.  It might open her eyes.

Thank you for contacting me again.  I hope this information is helpful to you.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: No that wasnít a condition I made when she came back. She called and said that she was moving back home and that she got a job, and I was just so happy to hear those things. I was almost afraid to ask something more.
But when I got the call at 1.30 am that they had gotten into a huge fight and to please come get her and the baby I thought then for sure she was done with him. So in my eyes no matter what she thought from previous conversation with me was null at that point. She said she broke up with him. BUT like I said by the time I got there I think it all changed.
I have been letting her use our car for wk and to go to dinner with friend ( I have a feeling he is one of the friends)  as I also wk and canít get her to wk and the baby to the sitter.
So I guess now I need to set boundaries. Well I know I do.
She says she is depressed and she wants to see him. And I just donít understand why she canít see that he is the one that caused this.  I will look for the Dr. U suggested and thank you again for all your help.

ANSWER: Hope things are working out at this point.  You have good instincts...just make sure you have good boundaries.  

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: HA...well... I'm not sure at this point what to think.
We are fighting over him ALL the time!  That seems to be my life with her. She tell me that I just need to get over it that he makes her happy.  Makes me sad to know that she is so blinded by him
I know I need to set boundaries but i am at a loss on how to do it now. I feel like she has my mind a mess with thoughts.
Any ideas are greatly welcome :)
I donít want to fight with her. I love her more than life, but I canít continue to let her make me crazy.

Answer
I understand how frustrating this can be.  It may be time to allow her to be dependent only on him, without any kind of support from you.  This is what a marriage is supposed to be.  However, when relationships are dysfunctional, parties look for outside support that enables them to stay in the dysfunction.  That is what she is asking from you.  If she truly has to rely on him for everything or provide it herself, she will find that gets old very fast.

There are some interesting articles on my website if you would like to download any of them to read for yourself or to give to her.  www.livingwellcc.com   I think they are under the library section.

Hang in there....abuse victims do tend to obtain wisdom or run out of tolerance for the dysfunction.  It is just very difficult to watch when it is someone you love.

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.

Experience

Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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