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Abusive Relationships/confused and brainwashed and unsure!!!HELP


Okay so I started dating thisguywho is about 10 years older then me about three months ago, at first everything was fine...well for the first couple weeks anyway. then for no reason at allhe started constantly accusing me of cheating an lieing, however I have never given him reason to think that nore have I ever cheated or lied. ( I would later on find myself having to lie but not up to this point). The situation progressively got worse by the week, after the extreme jealousy set in, and I mean extreme it has gotten to where I am scared to walk into a room that another male is in, in fear that I might make eye contact for one second and then it will be interigation for the whole night. He starts to say bazaar things like,  
"I know that you and my friend Justin secretly know each other and that when he calls me to hang out that he is really trying to occupy me so you will have time to cheat on me..whick is obserd!He has isolated me from all of my friends..saying that I don't want him to go with me to visit my friends, he will don't want me to go because your meeting a man there..but that's absolutely not the truth, and in the beginning I didn't mind at all him going with me, however now I am in constant fear of who will be there, what if there is males, what if I say something wrong etc..etc..I have no time to myself..I have my ownapartment and he has a house, well I have stayed with him every night practically because if I try to stay home he throws a fit, says that I am cheating..etc..etc..He says that I do or say things that I didn't say or do..He tries to make me believe that I am the one at fault, and that if I wasn't such a bitch that we wouldn't fight all the time, I try to explain to him the reason I am so frustrated is because I am having to constantly defend myself against false accusations etc etc..that would tend to leave a person frustrated snd defensive, He wants to have sex constantly, I mean constantly..alot of times to the point where my vagina is red and raw and its so painful I can hardly stand it, but if I do not comply he will accuse me of sleeping with somebody else or throw a fit and badger me over and over again until I give in..then the following day he will accuse the red and raw vagina on me cheating, saying that somebody else did that to me, and he had nothing to do with it, he has showed up at my friends house and demanded I leave wit him an d when I would not he did get physical with me, choking me and showing me that he had a gun in his pants..Him and I were good friends before this relationship started so he knows deep dark secrets of mine that he swore he would never tell, I tried to break up with him and he is emotionally blackmailing me saying he is going to tell these secrets that could ruin my life if they were ever told..on so many levels.he also preys upon my weakness, I am 36 and have a fear of aging, so he will say things like your hair is turning grey, your vagina is loose, I bet you looked as pretty as her when you were her age, but she is beautiful, your vagina stinks, I mean a lot of our sex sessions I am in pain, and I do it anyway to please him, and then he humiliates me by saying some of these things to me.
Nothing is ever his fault..ever...He doesn't seem to have true concern for anyone or anything especially if he is not getting his way, he will tell me how bad my vagina stinks and is stretched out from the last sex session I had, (this is after 3 hours of continuous intercourse, so by then I am sore, humiliated, and not feeling very sexual,  Then he will insist I perform oral sex, which is another violently ramming of my head on his penis gagging until almost the point of vomiting, and one time when he was really mad he smacked me on my butt so hard, it hurt. like a spanking a child would get but way, way harder and cruel.
I do not know how to escape this situation and to top things off, he has me almost convinced that I am the one who is crazy, I question myself , I will say well maybe I did say that and just don't remember, he says you cant remember one day too the next...but I know better, he is gas lighting me..
he truly has me questioning myself...asking myself, now who is wrong I the one who is wrong, but I know better on that as well, if there is a diagnoses or title of a condition that you can suggest that he has, please tell me what your opinion is, not on a medical diagnosis of course, just your opinion. I have to get away from this guy,I have no family and he brings turmoil to any friend who try's to help me, nobody wants to get involved when I try to leave him he says. If you leave I am coming to destroy you, and I will tell your secrets I know, nobody will want you anyway your old and fat, over the hill hag...he is so cruel.. please anything you can tell me, what kind of abuse is this, doe you think he really believed the things he tell me or is he just making them up? how can I escape.what about his threat's, isn't there a law against blackmail. And how can I go about executing it if I have too...I am so sick of having to wa;k on egg shells and live in isolation and misery,, I want peace. I want my life back
I am desperate...please help me..

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for writing and asking what to do. I am very sorry to hear about you being in an abusive and controlling relationship. Sarah, I don’t mean to scare you, but this guy may be dangerous and I am concerned for you. People as such are not rational which is why they act as they do like accusing you of cheating, using threats of blackmailing you and using chock holds to scare you. All of these behaviors are in attempt to make you feel crazy and create doubt in yourself so they can control your emotions, behaviors, thoughts and actions like he is doing to you. This is NOT a healthy person to be around.

Contacting your local domestic violence center is the best thing you can do. You can call the clerk’s office at your local county court house and ask for phone numbers of ones near you. Or look at these websites to find one:;

Sarah, you may have to secretly move to another city to get away from him. If you don’t move, people as such are known to follow you and continue using these tactics and use more violent behavior. People as such are not normal. People as such can be VERY dangerous. Moving secretly may be the ONLY way to get your life back and live in peace. Please contact your local domestic violence center today!! They will provide resources, help you create a safety plan and provide a place for you to stay.

Also, just a warning that confronting people as such or letting them know you are leaving usually only creates more harm to you. The domestic violence center can help you keep yourself safe. Please call today.

Just remember, you deserve to live life with love and peace and you can make that happen. Please keep asking questions as you move forward!

Much peace to you,

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education  

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence


Are you unsure if you are living in an abusive relationship? Are you feeling confused, angry or hurt and don't know what to do? I can help you determine if you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and provide suggestions on how to create a plan for your happiness, health and well-being! Please ask questions to find out answers today! Everyone deserves to live life with happiness and joy, and I am here to help you. Are you ready to find out how you can live a better and happier life? If you are, please ask your questions today!! Asking and finding the answers you are looking for is the first step to improve you joy and happiness!


I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Prevention and Education of Domestic Abuse and Violence.

•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at or I am here with you, while you find answers that help you!

•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, FL •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Dept, FL •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center, Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

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