Abusive Relationships/can't move on


Hi Cathy,
I wrote to you many months ago after leaving my abusive husband which was Oct 2012. It only seems like last week. Although, I have rebuilt my life through domestic violence support group, counselling and lived in a women,s refuge for the first 12 months after being homeless for the first 6 months, I am now at the end of finishing my nursing studies, live in what I call my beach shack as it's a tiny unit near the beach. But, I still dwell on my husband and have no interest in meeting anyone else only because I lack confidence, feel ugly and fat. I'm so lonely and don't have anyone to share my life.no friends etc. I am 50 years old and wonder if life is over for me now. I spend a fair bit of time looking up my husband on Facebook and feel depressed.

In the past I had never really had a problem moving on from a breakup but this time it's unbearable at  times. I'm not working yet but as soon as I graduate in a few months I plan to find work. Other than that I go to support groups, counselling and walk alone on the beach or stay home with my cat. I don't feel I can go out with women from the groups as many of them are still involved in abusive relationships where I don't have to worry about abuse anymore.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Kind regards,

Hi Kim,

Thank you for writing about your progression. Sounds as if you are taking all of the proper steps to rebuild your life--good for you! Missing the “good feelings” of your husband is part of the normal healing process and these “good feelings” may have been the UNHEALTHY bond between the two of you in the first place. Taking steps to give YOURSELF those "good feelings" will help reduce dwelling on your husband and build your self-confidence. Understanding this point will help you stay focused on yourself and your healthy path of healing.

Identifying those “good feelings” that you are craving will help you determine what you are missing in your life. These missing "good feelings" can be obtained through activities and may be ones that you have not tried before or pursued.

A good place to identity these activities is in a bookstore or library. Give yourself lots of time to wander around looking at books to see what peaks your interest. Are you drawn to the gardening, animal, yoga, travel, arts, or hiking section or a section that you never thought about before? The next step is to do an internet search or look in the local newspaper for organizations for such activities and get involved.

You will make new friends with people of common interest and those outside of your support group.  Taking this step will build self-confidence as well which will help provide the good feelings that you are looking for.

Also, I would suggest to STOP looking up your husband on Facebook and any other activity that involves him including people talking about him. This only pulls on your heartstrings and keeps you from moving forward to the next level of acceptance, love, joy and happiness.

You have come a long ways and very close to breaking completely away from the abusive past and taking this next step of finding activities you enjoy will help give yourself the “good feelings” and friends you are looking for.  Just remember, each barrier you break through increases your self-confidence and provides you with the life that you want to live. You are doing a great job--look how far you have come in a very short period of time! You are doing a great job--keep moving forward as you are doing!

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education  

Abusive Relationships

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence


Are you unsure if you are living in an abusive relationship? Are you feeling confused, angry or hurt and don't know what to do? I can help you determine if you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and provide suggestions on how to create a plan for your happiness, health and well-being! Please ask questions to find out answers today! Everyone deserves to live life with happiness and joy, and I am here to help you. Are you ready to find out how you can live a better and happier life? If you are, please ask your questions today!! Asking and finding the answers you are looking for is the first step to improve you joy and happiness!


I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Prevention and Education of Domestic Abuse and Violence.

•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at www.LifeCoachCathy.com or www.DomesticViolence-Education.com. I am here with you, while you find answers that help you!

•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, FL •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Dept, FL •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center, Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

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