Abusive Relationships/abusive relationship


So here's a long story short. I've been dating this girl for almost 3 years and I had the red flags from the beginning. She was always concerned about my cell, hid in my closet,  checked phone and anything you can think of. Without me stating everything it was an abusive relationship.
She broke up with me like 2 months ago and now calls her self dating this guy and I was ok breaking up before I knew about this guy but now I'm just totally depressed about it. Of course she blames me for the break up and we actually slept together twice. I know this doesn't help us breaking up.
I tried not calling her but she calls me. I tried blocking her but I'm a fool. I know she is not good for me so why am I fighting to be in a relationship with someone who obviously is playing games.
It doesn't help that I loaned her so much money and to think her new person has better paying job than me hurts. Yes it's petty but it hurts.
I'm trying to find ways to not be so down and to stop talking to her until I can at least get over the situation.
I guess the real question is why am I mad? Is it because I didn't move on first? Why am I fighting/begging her to stay but she says she is scared of going back to the same issues but it's HER with the issues. If I did as told we would be fine.

Hi Kyle,

Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. Relationships are challenging under normal circumstances but when abuse begins to happen, then making decisions to continue the relationship is important to do as you are doing. When she hides in your closet checking your cell phone, blaming you for the break up, calling you when dating other people and playing games is someone who may be deeply disturbed or does not understand healthy relationships.

In either event, your question of why are you so mad is because you know that she is not good for you but you keep letting her back into your life. You know that talking and sleeping with her does not help you move on but you continue to do so. But the real reason you are mad is because you really like parts of the relationship and wish she would understand how her behavior hurts you and you want her to change.

Unfortunately, people as such usually NEVER change. This is who and what she is. She may not be able to understand how she hurts you no matter how many times you tell her. That is why it is important to look at the WHOLE package and ask yourself if this is the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is NO, then end the relationship with NO contact. NO CONTACT means blocking email and phone calls, not looking at her facebook pages, not having your friends talk about her, etc.  Any contact with her just keeps you wishing for something that isn’t going to happen.

And your final statement of if you did as were told then everything would be fine is not true. Giving in to keep her happy does NOT work and is NOT part of a healthy relationship. Working together to resolve issues is part of a healthy relationship with each person listening and changing their ways when their actions harm the other. Also, fighting/begging her to stay is also in hopes that she will change. Learning to accept people as who they are will help you “let go” of wanting them to be someone they are not.

Please keep asking questions as you go along and remember you always deserve the very best in life and you have the power to make that happen! Choosing healthy relationships over abusive ones will give you the love and joy that you are looking for to enhance your life!

Much peace to you,

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education

Abusive Relationships

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence


Are you unsure if you are living in an abusive relationship? Are you feeling confused, angry or hurt and don't know what to do? I can help you determine if you are in an abusive or unhealthy relationship and provide suggestions on how to create a plan for your happiness, health and well-being! Please ask questions to find out answers today! Everyone deserves to live life with happiness and joy, and I am here to help you. Are you ready to find out how you can live a better and happier life? If you are, please ask your questions today!! Asking and finding the answers you are looking for is the first step to improve you joy and happiness!


I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Prevention and Education of Domestic Abuse and Violence.

•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at www.LifeCoachCathy.com or www.DomesticViolence-Education.com. I am here with you, while you find answers that help you!

•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, FL •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Dept, FL •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center, Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

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