Abusive Relationships/No closure ?

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Question
Hello. I am hoping that you can help me I am at my wits end. It has been four years since my relationship from hell.That never was. Nothing that he ever said or did, makes any sense to me. It is like a never ending loop going around in my mind. Round and round. Day after day week after week month after month year after year. How did he come on so strong seduce my mind then play the " we first must be friends card ". ? Ok. Fair enough. Great. Then why the hell did he then start to ignore me and flirt with other women in my face. ?
Then tell me that just because he didn't respond to my contact, did not mean that he did not " take me into consideration " ? go figure.
He said " I do not ignore you I respect you I do not want to hurt you "  Well he WAS hurting me. By giving his attention to others and none to me.  He pursued me. Then he told me that I was " one of four persons among men and women, that he found interesting ". At first I took that as a compliment. Then I thought about it. One in four ! Yippee ! like a freaking candy wrapper contest. One in four wins. Well, one won. He married one of the " four ". I am still heartbroken. I cannot understand. Why come into my life and seduce my mind with bullshit - telling me always how much he liked me and if I didn't respond he would contact me and say " you don't talk so much today ". And so I would talk. Then he would ignore me. And flirt with others. Telling me to " please continue to contact me , I love to exchange messages with you. No you don't talk too much. I love the way you are ". So I did. No response. Flirting with others while I wait. And wait. And then contact him. Again. And Again. Until I would eventually tell him to f*** off. Then he would eventually respond with " please don't send me so many messages and don't be so aggressive with me " wtf ?? Suddenly, I'M THE BAD GUY ??. Was I too impatient too demanding ? Or was he using me for his own agenda ? did he have ulterior motives ? Was he using me to get the attention of another woman ? To make himself look more desirable ? After many months of silent treatment he finally responded to my contact with an unemotional " all the best to you "...........Eighteen months later, he married one of the " four ".
It feels like a mindf***. I tried to get answers. For that, he portrayed me as a crazy obsessive borderline stalker. Yep. I own it. because that is what I had become. I want this loop to stop playing. The loop keeps asking me " was it me, or was it him " ?
No damn closure no answers to any of it. Please tell me, can you see something that I can't ?
Thank you very much for your time.

Answer
Dear Kim,
Thank you for your question.  These questions are always difficult to answer because there is inappropriate behavior on both sides.  However, which came first the chicken or the egg.  

What you are describing can fall into the category of narcissism or he could just be an emotionally absent man who wanted a relationship and chose a few good candidates to pick from.  In doing so, most people do the same thing, only one person at a time.  This guy did four or five at once, which is OK for him but not so much for the women he is "using".  

What happened here was that he gave love, or loving behavior, and then took it away.  To most human beings, that is torturous.  When parents do that to children as a form of discipline, it works well because the child will do absolutely anything to re-establish the relationship.  That is what you did.  Using love as a prize, where it is given and taken away hurts, and it hurts a lot.  In that you were very normal.  For him to be able to do that says that he has the capability to use another human being without empathy and without remorse for what he has done.  That is a combination that you want to stay away from.  As much as it hurt, it looks like you dodged a bullet here.  I would not want to be with someone who has that kind of capability and then can't see that he is hurting others.  

For as much as a person can tell from these kinds of actions, he was using all of you.  It was his intention to find the best mate and his way of doing it was to organize a "game show" type of situation and he was the final prize.  Not an appropriate, honoring, respectful or emotionally sensitive way to go about it.  Consider yourself very fortunate that you didn't end up being "the one".  You would have had a lifetime of come here/go away rather than just a short time.  I would suggest that you find an abuse counselor and spend some time speaking with him/her.  Although your response to this man was relatively normal in response to what he was doing, I would ask you to explore why you continued to pursue him even though he was obviously abusing you in the relationship?  It would be better for you to come to a place where in a relationship like that, you can look at the other person and say, "You are not treating me well, I am ending this."  The closure comes when you can look at what happened here and realize he mistreated you and you needed to walk away....simply because he didn't treat you in a respectful and honoring way.  It doesn't matter why he behaved that way, he simply behaved that way and it isn't OK, no matter who you are.

I wish you all the best as you move forward from this hurtful situation.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.

Experience

Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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