Abusive Relationships/husband quit drinking and vows never to again
My husband and I have been married a little over two years. He was drinking heavily since dating and through the marriage. This brought on verbal and emotional abuse towards me. He has now quit drinking and not being as heinous as he was but is not getting counseling
He talked to a intern e t taught recovering alcoholic twice who told him he was not an alcoholic but it was demons of alcohol and depression not him. He will not take responsibility for his actions because of this. He is on antidepressants but I still see controlling behaviour in him. I have been in counseling on my own because I am so unhappy and still cannot get over what has happened. I have asked for a separation but he says that's the worst thing I could do. He continues to plead his case and insists he knows I still love him. As a wife I don't feel that love for him. He also puts out sexual comments and tries to touch me in a way I am not comfortable with and I do tell him. There has been no intimacy for months. He now says I am not a true Christian and feels that I am not where I should be with God because if I was I would be "better" by now. I could write more,but I just can't right now. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am so distraught. Thank you.
He talked to a intern e t taught recovering alcoholic twice who told him he was not an alcoholic but it was demons of alcohol and depression not him[THE DEVIL IS A LIE,drinking heavely is an alcoholic. you don't need counseling he is the one with the problem.He is in denial and trying to down size you about your walk with God.A house divided cannot stand.Dear Lord please help my husband overcome his hard ships and let him be free of his burdens that follow him. I pray that you guide him in the right direction and help him be a better husband
I pray Lord, that you help him have more patience and lead him from his binge drinking into a life closer to you. I pray Lord you keep our family together but only if its in our best interest. Lord in your name I pray! Amen! Please lord...hear my prayer. Please help my husband realize his drinking has ruined our family.Help him realize he has a problem that he needs to control.Please pray for my alcoholic husband sobriety . I just can't keep watching him go down hill.
I have asked for a separation but he says that's the worst thing I could do[misery loves company,if he do not go to counseling for help andc ontrol issues,then leave cause this is unhealthy and lifei s short.Get away from negative energy if it does not stop. May you be freed from this abuse on all levels, in all realms, and in all ways.Continue to follow God's word and He will never fail you.Abusive husbands often manipulate their wives into thinking that there's no point in leaving or that they deserve the abuse. The truth is that no woman deserves to be abused, and men who abuse their wives need help. Getting help for an abusive husband is important for the safety and well-being of the entire family. An abusive husband needs to learn how to deal with his anger in a healthier way. Life will always have stressful moments, so he needs to learn how to cope with those situations when they come up without lashing out at his family.Your husband may become angry when you leave and when you try to seek help for him. This is normal behavior for abusive men. Let him know that unless he gets help, there is no chance of the two of you rebuilding your marriage.To cope with your spouse’s alcoholism, you’ll develop defense mechanisms that get in the way of your own happiness. You might feel despair, hopelessness, even fear – despite being stone cold sober. The truth is that if your spouse is struggling with alcoholism, you become “sick” as well, and you need recovery.
2. Stay and Do Nothing
3. Educate Yourself & Get Support
There’s no “one size fits all” advice for dealing with an alcoholic husband. Every situation is different, but you really only have 3 options:
At a certain point, you have to look out for your own well-being,at some point it becomes the only right choice. You may not be at this stage yet, but do know that this is an option that you may one day have to take in order to protect yourself
2. Stay and Do Nothing
Unfortunately, many with alcoholic spouses choose this option.
Unfortunately, suffering in silence and hoping for the problem to go away won’t lead anywhere, except maybe towards misery and depression.
3. Educate Yourself & Get Support
If you’re living with an alcoholic, you probably already realize that confronting an alcoholic rarely results in immediate change, or even an acknowledgement of the problem.
If you’re not ready to leave, and your husband won’t come to terms with his addiction, you can either do nothing and wait for his alcoholism to ruin your family, or you can educate yourself and reach out to others for support.
At Al-Anon, you’ll find others who have friends or family afflicted by addiction. Al-anon follows the same steps as AA, showing family members how to change their thinking. You’ll learn to “mind your own business” and separate your own life and happiness from being dependent on his sobriety. You’ll learn to take inventory and come to terms with the past and develop a relationships with a higher power. You’ll find support and develop new tools and insight to better deal with your husband’s disease. And perhaps you’ll gradually move your spouse closer to surrender and treatment.
However, do know that this can be a very slow process that can take years. There may be a point in this process where you simply need to leave to preserve your sanity, no matter how much you want to stay and support your husband.
Whatever you choose to do, one thing is for sure – do not live in denial and expect the problem to resolve itself while you do nothing. Go to an Al-anon meeting and get the support you need. You’ll learn that you can be happy, whether your alcoholic husband is sober or not.
Express your feelings – Tell the alcoholic how his/her drinking has affected you negatively, and how it may be harming others, and even themselves. Avoid criticizing their actions directly, but instead show them how their actions have caused harm.
Avoid Direct Confrontation - To keep the alcoholic from getting too defensive, place the emphasis on your own feelings and concerns, rather than telling them how they should be living. Some people favor a more aggressive approach in attempting to pierce the alcoholic’s denial and it does work sometimes, but do know that their is a good chance that the alcoholic will resent you for it, making future attempts to intervene much more difficult.
Chip Away At Their Denial – When the alcoholic inevitably denies that they have a problem, don’t expect to overcome their denial with the blunt hammer of rationality. Instead, aim to open up a dialogue by expressing your concerns and addressing their excuses from a place of compassion, rather than judgment.
Put Boundaries On Your Relationship – If the alcoholic in your life is continually unwilling to get help and continues to abuse alcohol despite your efforts, you may need to set clear boundaries on your relationship. For example, tell them that you cannot spend time with them when they’re drinking, or perhaps even tell them you need a break from them until they’re willing to seek help (this can apply to friendships as well as romantic relationships).
Explain that you care about them and want to help, but that their drinking is having too much of a negative toll on your life. In the short term, this will likely lead to resentment, but in the long term it may lead to the alcoholic recognizing the impact of their drinking on those around them. It also helps protect you from the toll of having a chronic alcoholic in your life.
At the end of the day, the only person who can get through an alcoholic’s denial, is the alcoholic themself.That is just like an alcoholic to turn it around and put it back on you. I have heard it all.He also puts out sexual comments and tries to touch me in a way I am not comfortable with and I do tell him[disrespectlearnt o draw the line when thingsg et overboard.It could be emotional, physical, verbal, or psychological abuse. Being in an abusive relationship takes a toll on your life. Women live with it and go through hell every day; however, that is neither the solution or a healthy option.Don't wait till things are beyond repair; talk to him today and explain how you feel. Men respond better to logical reasoning than emotional talk, so ensure that you specifically demarcate when and where he goes wrong. Give him examples from instances in the past few days; this will help him understand your point of view better.Remember, it has probably become a habit for him to behave this way and as we all know, the worst habits are the last to let go!
Sometimes, men get too comfortable with behaving this way and don't put in enough effort to bring about a change. After all, subconsciously he is in a favorable position! Your hubby needs to understand the gravity of the situation. He is probably unperturbed thinking that you are overreacting and would learn to adjust and live with it soon. Put your cards on the table; let him know that it is serious enough for you to walk out of the marriage or get some temporary space and separation. Really mean it, or he might call your bluff, leaving you to deal with this behavior of his, for decades. Separation is a good idea in this scenario; it gives both of you enough space and time to think. Chances are that he'll learn your value in your absence and introspect.
The separation will also awaken him to the seriousness of the situation, reminding him that unless he's ready to bend, your relationship may well be over. But one should resort to this only when all doors of communication are closed and any attempt of you changing him is futile. Quitting should not be an option for as long as possible.Another type of controlling husband is a man who simply doesn't care. He wants a mindless slave instead of a wife, who can be bullied around easily. If your husband belongs to this category, then chances of you improving him are slim. Such men are headstrong, stubborn, and don't budge easily. However, that doesn't imply that there's no hope and you have to endure everything tossed your way.
Take a Stand
He can only have control as long as you give it to him. Just because he has behaved this way for a decade doesn't mean you have to endure it for a lifetime! Be as adamant as him, when it comes to the things he pushes you around to do. The next time he wants you to run an errand for him, Say No. Explain why it's not reasonable for you to be doing all the work and get back to the task at hand. Stay calm and focused; losing your temper will only give him another excuse for his behavior. Bluntly refuse when he asks for unnecessary details about your whereabouts. But here, you have to be prepared for his retaliation -- it could be few days, or weeks before he starts getting used to it. However, in the long run, he will learn to maintain boundaries and have rational expectations.
Stop Trying to Please Him
According to him, you're not good enough at anything -- it's a mindset, not an opinion. So it is pointless trying to gain his approval or appreciation. In fact, that works to his benefit. His spiteful behavior is keeping you on your toes and getting his job done. That definitely is not a motivation to change! Try to behave as an equal rather than an inferior; do things if they need to be done and not plainly because he wants them done. Seeking his appreciation just feeds his ego and worsens your problems.Is There a Solution?
It is almost impossible to change such a man. You are not merely trying to change his actions, you are contesting his entire belief system. The solutions to this case are very limited. You could attempt talking to him, but it is not likely to get you very far. Another option is marriage counseling. Here you will have a third person review your marriage, so you can convince him to at least hear someone else's take on it. Again, chances of it working are slim but it is definitely worth a try. Unfortunately, for such difficult marriages, it usually boils down to either separation or divorce.
The Devil in Disguise
He is loving, sweet, and gentle. Several years of being married to him and you probably can't remember any instances of him shouting or arguing. In every fight or disagreement, he is the calm, resolved, and sensible one who puts you down. The perfect devil in disguise!
He gets into an argument and steps back as the noble one. Only to behave as the "better one" later by reminding you of your rash behavior. He claims to trust you completely, but just "happens" to arrive where you are unexpectedly. Such men always hide under the pretext of being the loving and caring one, conveniently shifting their mistakes and the blame onto you. He is just as bad as any other controlling husband, but he will never openly accept it.He is forever disappointed and discontent with the relationship as a whole. He is antisocial and stays reserved; initially, he can easily come across as the perfect "family man." However, with time he will easily be hurt by you talking to other men, or socializing with other people. This kind of a husband emotionally blackmails you to get his way.
To deal with someone as two-faced as him, you will need to master his very game. Be calm and composed when you get into an argument. Simply discard his point in one sentence, leaving him little to argue further on. He will either be forced to give up the charade, or will have to lose the argument altogether. Either way, you stand to gain.
Dealing with the "Philanderer"
A small ratio of such husbands are the regular adulterers. Their sly behavior helps them get by unnoticed many a time. When confronted, they apologize endlessly, convincing you of their "good intentions." However, it is only a matter of time before the cycle begins all over again. There is no easy way to deal with such a husband. Give him a chance to clean up his act or walk out. There is no point waiting around, because habitual adulterers rarely mend their ways.
Calling It Off
As a wife, you are the best judge of whether your husband is capable of change. On a subconscious level, most women are aware that they're in for a lifetime's worth of such behavior. Then why exactly don't they step out instead of enduring endlessly? While saying it is fairly easy, to walk the talk is a lot more complicated.
While the above two factors are theoretically very big concerns, most women forget to consider their own involvement. Every marriage has its ups and downs, and irrespective of how sour things have turned in the recent few months or years, the feelings will last for a long time to come. Unfortunately, this is the inevitable part in case of a separation; there's not much you can do to make it easier other than being strong and mentally prepared. It is crucial to not let your emotions take a toll on you because post the split, it is you who will have to take charge and be responsible for everything around the house.
The key note here is to try to make it work with your husband. A broken marriage will hurt you for life and of course, there is nothing more important for your children than a complete and loving family. That being said, if things are falling apart with no sign of improvement, no one should have to be a part of a hurtful and meaningless relationship. It is never too late to start afresh!