Abusive Relationships/Not a partner in my relationship
I have been with my fiance for 2 years and we have a 6 month old son. I feel like I checked out a while back. I feel like he is the only person in the relationship because everything is about him, his likes and how I'm suppose to tip toe around his dislikes. There is no compromise whatsoever. We listen to his music, watch the movies he likes, and go where he wants to go. It's not worth the argument to do things I like. He is very needy. He tells me how to act and how to feel. He recently found out I had been talking to a long time X's sister and has been blowing his top for days. I did hide it from him that I was talking to her but only bc he had expressed that he didn't want me associating with X's or their family or friends. Really I don't have a single friend that he approves of so he runs them off or makes it either impossible to see me or so uncomfortable they don't want to. So I'm practically isolated with him and he wants to demand I be happy all the time. I am far from happy and have trouble disguising my emotions as I wear them on my sleeve.When I talk with him about how my happiness has never been a priority I'm told that when he's happy he'll make me happy. I've tried to make him happy the better part of these 2 years and apparently I'm not even close to making it happen. We have just began counseling and touched on the lack of communication. We were asked to focus on changing ourselves bc we can't change each other. He is on me about how to act and how to feel everyday and now he says he doesn't want to go back to counseling. I feel I have made great sacrifices trying to make this work just to bee treated like an emotional slave. ANY ADVICE?
Thank you for writing and asking for ideas of what to do, and I am very sorry that you are experiencing such treatment in your relationship. Abusive relationships and controlling people call the shots without considering the needs of the other partner. Listed below are definite signs of you being in a one-sided and controlling relationship:
• everything is about him, his likes and how I'm suppose to tip toe around his dislikes
• There is no compromise whatsoever
• We listen to his music, watch the movies he likes, and go where he wants to go
• He tells me how to act and how to feel
• has been blowing his top for days
• expressed that he didn't want me associating with X's or their family or friends
• he runs them off or makes it either impossible to see me or so uncomfortable they don't want to
• demand I be happy all the time
• I'm told that when he's happy he'll make me happy
• He is on me about how to act and how to feel everyday
• now he says he doesn't want to go back to counseling
Below are the results of how you feel when in a one-sided and controlling relationship:
• I feel like I checked out a while back.
• I feel like he is the only person in the relationship
• it's not worth the argument to do things I like.
• I don't have a single friend
• I did hide it from him
• I'm practically isolated with him
• I am far from happy and have trouble disguising my emotions as I wear them on my sleeve.
• treated like an emotional slave.
I would urge you to contact your local domestic violence shelter and talk with them about abusive relationships and options. You can google your county court house to find the phone number of the clerk’s office. The clerk’s office will give you a list of phone numbers of organizations close to you.
Or call the state agency for local locations: http://gcadv.org/general-resources/domestic-violence-centers/
Here is the national contact number for more information: http://www.thehotline.org/
Getting involved with organizations that understand abusive relationships is critical to help you learn about these type of relationships and the negative impact they have on you like you are experiencing. These organizations also can help you with options and resources. One thing that is helpful to understand is that folks like this usually NEVER change—this is who and what they are and that is why he doesn’t want to go to counseling anymore because he wants YOU to do all of the changing.
Also understand that isolating you like he is doing is to keep you from reaching out to others for help. If he ever gets physical with you, please call 911 to help assist you to safety. Please take this situation seriously and start seeking out options of what to do to help protect yourself and your child live a better and healthier life. It will be up to you to figure out how to protect yourself and your child because he will probably NEVER change his controlling ways and will continue to try to control your behavior, thoughts and actions.
Please call one or several of these organizations today to learn more about abusive relationships and resources available for you. Just remember, you deserve the very best in life and living in a loving and respectful relationship and you have the power to make that happen.
Much peace to you,
Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education