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Abusive Relationships/My now 25 year old daughter .

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I have wrote you several times about my daughter .

10/5/2015 as I sit here and read post that Iíve posted here last year about this same time I realize itís all still the same ! A crazy circle that just keeps spinning round and round.
I still have no relationship with my daughter. She still ignores 99.9 % of all my calls and text. They only time I really hear from her is when she needs something, and then like a thirsty dog I drink it all up, I find myself so often looking to see if she is on FB, worrying myself Sick when I see itís been hours or days since she been on there and then suddenly ..I see that little mark stating that she is on and the relief that I feel is so great, I know that sheís  alive, that  ok ,she has a phone .
I go back n forth from FB to FB messenger to see if she is going to answer any of my messages., look at the texts to see if she has read any of them, and it all leads to me being hurt because thereís nothing there, and on a rare occasion she does answer I never know if itís her texting or the idiot.
My daughter wasnít raised by bad parents; she was raised by loving caring parents. We always made sure our kids had a good life, we had Sundayís family gatherings, and we were always with family and friends and most of the time she had friends that werenít so lucking to have that tagging along with us and we always welcomed whoever. .  Thatís what we worked hard for, we wanted our children to have a good heart, good work ethic, and be able to make good decision in their lives.  
She once had all that. I want to believe that she can still have all that, that she can turn her life around, that she can still be happy.  As her mother I will always believe that is possible, but I also know it wonít happen if she stays with him.
Now she will say that she is happy, but I know in my gut, in my heart that she is blinded. There is NO happiness in being with someone that has hits you, has lost each apartment you have had, blown every penny he and you make at the casino. And totally thinks that the world owes him, that he should get free living, free food. GRRR Ö. No wk ethic at all just wants it all handed .They have nothing, never have, when they do get something he sells it, or it gets repos.
He still uses her, she gets mad then forgives him, for cheating, hitting, not paying bills,. They are apartment # 4 and itís just been just over 2 Ĺ years!  I HATE the fact that this loser is around my grandson. Not a good role model at all!! But at this point mama isnít either.
This is nothing but a crazy circle that we just keep going round and round with. My head just spins with thoughts.  Iíve been told that I always think the worst and I know thatís 100% true with her, when she wonít answer my calls or text and I see that she hasnít been on FB in 18-36 hours I have her laying dead somewhere.
I still find that the hate I feel for him isnít healthy  for me , this consumes most of my day and night with thought of  where is she, is she ok, is William ok, do they have food, I wonder if she has answered me on FB. And I blame him; I blame him for it all. I know it isnít right! I know she is a grown women and I raised her better than this, but I just canít bring myself to lock her out, to say OK if U want this life have at itÖ call me when youíre ready !!  I wonít, I canít she has my grandson. And every time she does finally call, I just drink it all up. It feels so good inside to see her, to talk to her that I just want her to be ok and I will do whatever she wants.  
Iím not sure if I even really asked a question or if I am just venting my frustration that seems have lasted for several years now. Iím at a loss on what to do, if there is anything that I can do, I just donít know anymore. I just so tired of not having my daughter. I miss her terribly.
I had stopped giving her $ for a while and then it started again, not huge amounts just 20-60.00.  But again I have to stop, if she needs food I will just take her to the store like I had been doing. No more cash.
I just feel lost inside or like thereís this hole that I just canít fill.

Answer
I'm so sorry that this is still happening and I do understand how difficult it is.  As we have discussed and you have learned, these situations are very complicated.  In my practice, I have seen people stay in them for long periods of time....until one day they just wake up and say no more.

I tend to look at these types of relationships like equations.  If you change something on one side, something has to change on the other.  At this point, the only change can come from you.  Unfortunately, when she comes back into your life, it is probably at a time when she is needing to make some kind of change and then you give her what she needs to go back to the relationship.  If you keep doing the same things, you will get the same results and that lost feeling will not get better.

You have to be willing to do what is necessary to get a different result.  Might I suggest finding a counselor that YOU can talk with.  That would be a step that you haven't tried before.  Another suggestion might be to find a place of spiritual comfort in your own life.  The Lord truly can fill that place in your heart and He is the only one, at this point, Who can make a change in this situation because it has to come from within.  If you attend church, get a group of faithful people who know how to pray and begin consistently praying for your daughter and her situation.  These are things that perhaps you haven't tried.  

I would encourage you not to perpetuate the cycle anymore.  I understand your need to have your daughter in your life, but she sounds like she is not in your life, she is simply using you to sustain the life she has and then she leaves....taking your heart with her.  At some point, that has to stop and the only part of the equation that you control is you.

If she needs food, she can go to the food bank, or he can....perhaps that will be a step that will wake her up.  Change the cycle.  It's the only way anything in this scenario will change.

My best wishes, as always, go out to you.  

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.

Experience

Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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