Abusive Relationships/Crazy feeling, anxious.nervous
I think I already know the answer but I dont trust my emotions/feelings right now. 2 1/2 years with a younger man and very atrractive, him- 35 I am 41. It began as a fun idea-I hadnt been out of a relationship very long when I met him, had known my mother had terminal cancer for about 4 months, was summertime-why not date this guy?!?!. I'd always been very strong with relationships/breakups in my past but not this time...I feel I latched on to have someone for fear of being alone and dealing with my mothers illness,enjoyed that an attractive younger man would want to be around. Long story short-very quickly after we met he became violent-picked me up and body slammed onto the floor...and his excuse-he dropped me. I was sore for 2 weeks. I made him leave...a few days or a week later-i text him-i miss him-i want to see him- He comes back-and this has been going on ever since July 2013. I no longer went around my friends(they had heard me tell stories of violence and tried to tell me it was a bad relationship), embarrassed to go around his family-because of the violence and drinking. Name calling, pushing, pulling, police had been called,holes in my walls he never offered to fix from throwing things, broke things, i even slept on someones porch one night-running away from an argument. BUT I also got flowers every week, nice cards that said how much he loved me...many apology cards of course too...I am not an openly emotional person-id rather go to bed than argue-and that drove him nuts and perhaps that was a mistake on my part but i do understand i didnt trust him-so how could i open up. I let him stay in my home for free. LAst week, he stayed out all night with his cousin so when he came home i made him leave with all of his things-and i am having the worst time now-once again i tried to ask him back and he wont speak to me. I am an emotional wreck , crazy thinking, jittery, anxious, foggy, paranoid going to the grocery store even(that may be bc he always had to go with me) Im just afraid of my thoughts right now especially a few hours after waking up, exhausted, cant focus on work. Ive contacted a local counselor to help. Is this normal? I remember a traumatice break up when i was in my twenties-took me a good week in bed to start healing...but NEVER like this. Its a lil scary-ive emailed my father and friends so they know im having such a hard time but i feel so needy and pouty and childlike its very embarassing. I just need direction. Thank you-Kristin
Thank you for reaching out to get some ideas of what is going on and am very, very sorry that you got hooked up with an abusive man. And yes, you probably already know the answer but just need to hear it from an outside source. Your question of what direction you need to take and the answer is you are taking the correct direction. Seeing a professional counselor who specializes in abusive relationships is very important to help you understand how and why this happened and then help you take the healthy steps of keeping away from this harmful man and help you reconnect to your healthy friends and relationships.
Your second question of is feeling the way you do normal and that answer is YES! You have lived through an emotional rollercoaster ride and now trying to get off of this wild ride which causes those feelings on craziness as you described. This rollercoaster ride has left you doubting yourself, angry, hurt, confused and feeling every possible overwhelming emotion. This is the result or aftermath of being in an abusive relationship.
Now, a caution for you—you are going to be looking for ANYTHING that will take away these crazy feelings and urge you to NOT look at the good times in this relationship which could leer you back. This relationship is NOT healthy and dangerous and that is what you need to be telling yourself as you move through this confusion and pain until you can regain a healthy balance and direction in your life. Anyone who pushes you, calls you names and throws things at is NOT a healthy person and will NEVER BE, EVER!! He will never change—this is who and what he is even with sending you flowers and saying “sorry.” People who are truly sorry don’t repeat their bad behavior—that is not what a sorry is—a true sorry is someone recognizing something that they did that was hurtful, apologizing and NOT doing it again. That is a true sorry.
People who repeat bad behavior have a problem and this is NOT your fault. You need to recognize and truly believe this and that he will never change because maybe the next time whatever he throws at you will harm or kill you. Repeated bad behavior is someone who has a serious problem and could be very dangerous to be around.
Here are a couple of websites that offer free newsletters and services that may be helpful for you:
Contacting your local domestic violence shelter will also provide you with information and resources to help you get back on a positive track.
Virginia Sexual & Domestic Violence Action Alliance
5008 Monument Avenue, Suite A
Richmond, VA 23230
Office: (804) 377-0335
You are taking the proper steps and urge you to continue seeing a counselor and contacting these other organizations to help you through this. You have the power to make it through, you just need some outside resources to help you get there.
Please keep asking questions as you move forward and remember you deserve the very best in life and you have the power to make that happen. In the future, anytime anyone ever treats you poorly, learn to walk away and don’t look back. Always choose to be around people who love and respect you. You deserve this!!
Much peace you,
Life Coach in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education