Abusive Relationships/another question

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Question
Yesterday was a very trying day. I got a call from my daughter about some stuff that was going on. The car broke down, got towed away because it didnít have plates on it, and itís got a lot wrong with it. the house they were going to rent the pipes broke and now they have to wait a while until that gets fixed, and now they are thinking they just need to step back and fix some things. BUT they canít do that if they have all these bills.
So now here it isÖ.. she said I know youíre fine with me and baby coming home but I would also like to bring boyfriend!   I just knew she was going to say that!  
I told her No, that she and the baby are always welcome but I will not open my house to him, I would feel uncomfortable with him there,  and just because we were civil to him on Christmas eve and Christmas day doesnít mean Iím okay with him living in my house  also that he isnít my responsibility that he has family and needs to go to them.  Of course this went on for a while and then her dad finally just told her we arenít going to keep up this conversation, Iím sorry but itís a No and now we are done.
But I have this feeling that she is going to come back home. (Which I am ok with) but I donít know how to make this different from the past 3 times.  Again she will be coming home, No car (which then we will have to provide)  
I just want her to see what a loser this man is and wake up, of course I know I canít make her see that .  but I did think about texting him and telling him some things.
Like if he truly loves her he will let her come home and not bother her, let her get her and the babyís life back on track.
To get his own life on track and then if itís meant to be then it will be. But he needs to leave her alone and let her get straight in her head what needs to be.
But I know he wonít listen.
So what to doÖ.

Answer
Hi Amy,
You are more than likely correct that you won't get anywhere talking with him.  If anything is going to happen here, you have to get out of the equation and let the two of them deal with whatever they need to deal with.  So far, you have been willing to help her and I understand why, but it hasn't changed anything, has it?

You think that helping her helps your grandbaby, but the longer your grandbaby is in that situation, the more of a problem it will be.  The only thing you haven't tried is to completely back out and let them, as a family, figure this out.  You have to remove the release valve...which is you.

I think you were correct in not allowing him to be there, but as long as she knows that when things get rough, she can run home to her parents, nothing is going to change.  The way you make it different from the past 3 times is to do something different than you have done before.

I know how difficult this has been, but if you want to get off the carousel, you have to get off and let them figure it out.

Abusive Relationships

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.

Experience

Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Assn., American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

Awards and Honors
Board Certified Christian Counselor

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