Abusive Relationships/abusive mother
Hi I hope you are well and thank you for hearing my question. I grew up with a very abusive mother and cut off all contact with my family many years ago. I tried to have a relationship with my father but I was not able to have a relationship with only him and not my mother at her instance. He has recently passed away and I feel very bad about not seeing him. I am hoping he was not wanting to see me and forgot me as I hope he was not hurt. He never abused me but never helped me against her wrath but I do not blame him as I know he did love me. I don't really know what my question is only that maybe you can tell me something about when a parent dies and you could not see that parent to protect yourself from the abusive other parent. Thsank you
God bless u;my heart goes out to u n prayer;Forgiveness is not an end in itself but a byproduct of the process of reconciliation.That means attempting to get past everyone's formidable defensiveness, denial, and resistance and talk about their family dynamics. This reluctance is especially acuteóand understandable; we can change the effect the past has on us. The goal of the process is to change how things are right now, in the present. The problem is, in fact, not in the past at all. Dysfunctional family patterns, in modified forms, usually keep going on long after children grow up. Unless something is done, they have a strong tendency to go on and on until the parents die, although the patterns often do mellow somewhat as time goes on.Forgiving an abusive parent is a deeply emotional and personal decision. .forgve dad for not protectng u;How does a daughter forgive her dad for not protecting her? u was a powerless child.Ēforgiveness is an imperative, a measure of my inner goodness. It doesnít mean that u condone dad negligence. It means u put down the impossible task of trying to make her go back to the past to save u. When u face and accept the truth of the past, only then could u see that Iíd survived the horror.Only then do u see the whole picture. Only then could u reclaim my power and look to the road ahead.here u go;A Letter to My Abusive Parent [My letter is written to you, but itís intended for me. To clear things up inside. To try to understand myself better. To comprehend the perplexity of the human heart.I canít even address you as I should. It hurts too much. Should I start with questions? Should I start with telling you what is on my mind? What has been weighing on my heart probably since I was born? Maybe even since you carried me? I donít know how you felt when you carried me, but I assume it was not the healthiest feelings. I do know though that you did not want to see me for the first few minutes of my life. My life that has plagued you. donít know how to write this letter at all. It is so deeply recessed in my heart, in the innermost chambers. I was too scared to enter these chambers. I didnít have the emotional strength to go there. You have given me a lot of grief. I have been a crippled human being because of you. I have grown up without parents and have never been a child because of you. I have never known what it means to trust someone because you have taken that away from me. I have learned to be scared of people, because you made me scared of them. learned to be immune to hurt and insults, because you have done it so many times. I have since learned that lacking a mother and love are things that can never really be filled. I live that void every day. Iíve learned that when someone loves you, donít allow it to seep in, because you can never make up 20 or so years of it. I learned to be immune to hurt and insults, because you have done it so many times. It was just a part of life, part of getting up in the morning and pushing through another day.
You taught me to go into my own world, which in itself was not too pleasant, because you were in your own world when I was a child. I learned to see the outside world as a threat, as if people are out to get me. I learned to shy away from good gestures and donít know how to get out of harmful situations because you have alternated between the two, way too often. I learned to just grit my teeth when given criticism, because thatís all I ever heard from you. I donít know how to accept praise, because I was never deserving of it. I never learned to laugh, because you never allowed me to. I never learned how to say no when needed, because you never gave me that choice. I donít know how to be a productive member of society, because you demanded me to produce too much. young in years but old in resilience. Too old. I have learned to shirk responsibilities, because you never took it. I learned that punishments come regardless of intentions, because nothing was ever good enough for you. I learned that itís the simplest to blame others for your shortcomings, because that is what I have always heard from you.
I learned that squelched emotions are much better and safer, because you never let me voice them, and I could not afford to feel them. I learned that it is okay to be alone in this world, because you did not allow anyone into my world. I learned that it is safer to hide, because if I was around, you would always get at me. I learned how to be there, yet be invisible, because if I was seen, it never ended well. I learned that you should never admit to your wrongdoings, because I was always blamed for your mistakes. I learned that if youíre hurt, you deserve it, because thatís what you always told me. pray that I take adversity with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.I just wish I would have learned it in a different way. I just wish that I had parents that I can be proud of, that my childhood would not have been wasted like that. I just wish that I would not be so crippled by your teachings and your crookedness. How I wish that I would have known a different life, that I would have known right from wrong through your teachings. I know the wrongs, but I do not know the rights.
I want to be able to tell you all this, but Iím not ready, and I might never be. I want to give my children, please God, everything that I did not get, but how do I do it? I want to know where the balance between love and discipline is, but I never saw it. Maybe it is one and the same thing. You canít discipline without love.
I hope that one day you will be proud of me, even though I have a hard time knowing that I give you nachas. But I realize, most importantly, I need to be proud of myself.