AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Question QUESTION: I hear that term a lot, codependency, when it comes to relationships, but I honestly really don't know what it means. Like I know what it means to be dependent on someone either financially or emotionally, but what is codependency and how does it cause so many problems within a relationship? Why is it unhealthy? Also, what are the different forms of codependency? Thank you for your time.
ANSWER: it's essentially when each person is emotionally dependent on the other for the bulk of their happiness/self-esteem; each person kinda acts as a "drug" that the other person badly needs to get by...it's not a terribly healthy situation, as it's based more on security than real loving, just as two people shooting up wouldn't be considered healthy; ideally, both people can exist fine on their own--the partner is "icing on the cake", but THEY remain the cake, complete as is..
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QUESTION: Thank your for your response, that really helped me to better understand. I do have another question...If you feel you're in that type of relationship, and it's either mutual codependency, or one is more so than the other, can one address the problem to the other and can it be worked on? Would it be better for this type of thing to seek a relationship therapist, or are there little steps one can take to help break from that dependency? B/c like in my case i think both him and I were like that at first, definitely, but than I started to see it and I started to really realize how unhealthy it was and how much I honestly didn't like feeling like that so I really worked on myself and started to develop me and who I am based on me solely and I really broke away from that unhealthy detachment to him, but I feel like he still has that strong attachment to me. And him and I have been broken up now for about 5 months and there was a period of 3 with no contact what so ever, and I still love him and think he's a wonderful person, but when he tells me he needs me and I'm the source of his happiness and just all of that other stuff, it really really bothers me! I want to feel like if him and I ever got back together, if we realized down the road it still couldn't work, that he would be okay and not choking all over himself in despair! I just don't want anyone to go through that! I'm not that type of person that looks at that as love or as a good thing, maybe when I was 17, but now I'm 21! And I know it would hurt, I have empathy, but there's a certain level of self respect and dignity and confidence that I think someone should have so they know what lines not to cross in a break up situation and they can cope with it in a more healthy way. Anyway, but we have had the time apart and him and I both have grown more into our own people and he's more willing to listen to my concern about this and see where I'm coming from, so I want to know if it can actually be corrected. Or could it be that just simply the standards were set on the relationship and no matter how many months or years we are apart, when we're together just something about him and I that we will always resort back to where the relationship started b/c that's what we're used to? Some bad things did happen between him and I that really affected both him and I in a painful way, things that he did and things that i did out of immaturity and just weaknesses we have in ourselves, and you can forgive all day, but forgetting is hard, and a part of me feels like no issue would ever be small between him and I b/c somehow him or I would always revert back to the past and those pains and scars would come back for that moment and fear of it happening again, but if two people are really willing to make something work is it possible to not do that and really move on and start the relationship at a different, much more healthy beginning? The people around me are so negative all the time about relationships and I just don't know if I'm living in la la land for actually thinking people can change and work out big speed bumps, or if it will never work and can't be done and everyone is right? He wants to do certain things with his life that would entitle him leaving and being far away for a long time(military) and I'm really trying to encourage him and help build his confidence that he can do this and that he needs to help find more of who he is and find that confidence and happiness within himself; even though I'm going to miss him terribly and worry about the safety of his life(military), but I feel who am I to ever get in the way of anyones happiness and something someone really wants to do. I wouldn't like that, so why do it to someone else? It's selfish. Plus I'm in college too and I need this time to focus on school and what's important for me as well, so I look at it as something that gives both of us time to grow, and I told him that and he agreed with me. And I just love him enough that even if him and I never could work out, I just want to see him grow and find who he is and be that better person b/c maybe there's just something about me that makes him attach to me, maybe he is just better without me in his life, as hard as that is to admit. Is that possible? I don't know, but I will step out if that's the case b/c I only want what's best for him, and an unhealthy attachment is not best for someone. I don't know other times I feel like I over analyze too much and things aren't so complicated as I make them to be, but I kind of can't help wanting to get to the heart of every issue so I can better understand people and myself and just the things around me. Anyway, so, any insight to my questions or anything would be greatly appreciated.
Answer well, alot of stuff there; good to see you've matured, learned some good life lessons; as for him/the relationship, it's hard to say; people learn at their own speed, some never do; usually these dependencies come from insecurites/low self-esteem, as mentioned earlier; this type of uncertainty is quite common in early adult arrangements; i'd have to talk to him to see if i'd recommend counseling, but to answer, certainly people can improve thru learning, growing, experiencing; as to letting old resentments interfere, some people can forgive/forget, others can't...at this point, staying apart makes the most sense--he's contemplating a career, could be anywhere in a year, you're in college, where EVERYTHING changes, so you both need to let go, experience life on your own, stay in casual contact if u choose, see what happens..best to stop thinking on this, refocus on your current life, meeting/dating others...the cypress and the oak grow not in each others' shadow..
