AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Question QUESTION: I have been researching controlling behavior in relationships- and am finding that my boyfriend has a lot of the basic traits. While in a situation with him involving me going on a 3 day trip with my best friend and him feeling rejected that I'm not taking him with me- he mentions that he is not controlling and has all of the excuses why not... How can I get him to see that he is controlling without causing more problems? He tries to control me and I don't let him- he takes it as though I am helping to change his behavior because he has been this way his whole life... He is 42 and I am 24- it's a huge age difference and I can't help but think that he will never change unless he realizes that he is controlling. Do you think I should quit while I am ahead? Sometimes my gut says to leave him and other times not... Your advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
ANSWER: he's not changing, except maybe for the worse; the insecurities making him like he is are deep-rooted and not going away, unless he seeks regular therapy, and we both know he's not doin that; you can either keep fighting, or leave..
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QUESTION: Ok... so I have only been with this man for about 4 months and I feel that we have completely skipped over the "honeymoon" phase. We definitely have our unforgettable moments and connect very well (I've never had someone so into me before- or in love with me)- however- it doesn't last. I'm feeling like we are having more problems than not- and they are all because of him. He is very insecure and realizes it- and is trying his best to break himself of old habits. Because of this- I stay- because when he doens't have any anxiety about "us" things couldn't be better. Well- yesterday he was in a bit of a strange mood- and when I asked him what was up he replied "This is the longest I've gone without any anxiety and now I'm waiting for something to happen- like for you to run away from me again" (I had said that I wanted to leave before because of his behavior and he went into a panic attack and ended up in the hospital) I told him how he shouldn't think like that and that he is causing the anxiety himself- and then he says "Well, you've run from me before so I have a valid reason to feel this way." (he is also very afraid of being alone) So now he's turning it back on me like it is my fault. (he flat out told me that the panic attack was entirely because of me) Is it? I'm very uneasy in this relationship now and I'm starting to feel stuck. I want to break things off- but I can't figure out how- I tried before and I ended up missing him and am afraid I will go back again. I know he will convince me of what a mistake I am making- and how he was right from the start that I would leave again- and how much it will hurt him and how he doesn't want to be without me... He's already asked me to move in with him- talked about how to pay off my school loans to get me out of debt so that we can afford a nice place- amongst other things- I told him that things were moving to fast for me and that we need to slow down because it will scare me off- but he really hasn't stopped... I feel like I am losing my idenity... Do you have any advice on the best way to break things off with him? I've expressed strong feelings for him and tried to assure him that I am not going to leave him and that I love him and no one else- and how I could see my future with him with a family- and now I feel differently and am regretting saying those things. I feel that my words will be used as fuel for his fire when I tell him I want out- and he will guilt me into staying. I don't know how to handle this. Please help!
Answer 4 months and already all of this unhealthy drama--what happens when insecurities/neediness lead people too quickly into emotionally unhealthy co-dependent arrangements; NEITHER of you should be considering involved relationships until you get counseling as to why you gravitate toward such premature involvements;as for telling him, you just do it--after 4 months, no need for a prolonged speech about it...as for his manipulations to make you stay, they can only be effective if you allow them to; it's like being offered a drug--no one is forcing you to take it, except your own addictive tendencies, hence the need for counseling..
