Question Thanks for your feedback. It's much appreciated, but he would never go to therapy. What would you suggest that I do in this case? Should I call him or should I give him his space?
Thanks again
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Followup To
Question -
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend
for the last six years. We have a very good relationship with respect to our regular communication with each other (we talk practically every day), and we are best friends. We also have a great sexual relationship. It is always fun and exciting. So here's the problem. He has trouble dealing with anger. Recently, he flew off the handle when a family member made a comment that offended him. He decided not to talk to this person to resolve the issue, or her husband (his brother). He was angry at me, because he felt like I did not support him. I felt as though he overreacted and told him so. I called him, but he didn't return my call. I called him again, and asked him to return my call. He did, and said he was thinking about it (over a one day period) and decided that maybe we shouldn't see each other any more. We had a huge fight, but I kept my cool and didn't cry like I normally do. I called him in a couple of days, and he was still very cold and continued saying that he thought we should end the relationship. I said that I thought we should meet in person to discuss it, since the decision he was making was completely on his own, and was basically deciding the course of the rest of my life. So he met with me the following day, and it was like nothing ever happened. We talked about his phone calls, and I told him I wanted to make things work. The evening before, I wrote out on several sheets of paper, all of the reasons why we should stay together. I read these to him. I could tell he was touched and he said "I love you" and it was heartfelt. I offered for us to go to counseling together, but the thing is, we get along well together, show affection, etc so what could the counselor help us with? We ended up spending the evening together and he told me how happy I made him. The next day he was fine again. Several days later, however, he found out that when he and I had argued over the phone, some of his family members had overheard the conversation. He was extremely upset. He said that he needed three weeks before speaking to me again. He also made fun of the list of reasons why we should stay together and called it something for laughs. He also went back to talking about breaking up, said maybe he was better off alone, etc. And so, I haven't spoken to him since last Thursday and he hasn't called me either. I don't know how to be. Are we broken up or not? Also, should I be the one that calls first? It seems that I am always the one who will call whenever he decides not to talk to me for a few days, a week, etc. His anger is tough to deal with at times. I end up crying and feeling terrible, then he backs off and is loving again. I've been going through depression, so this has been particularly difficult for me. He also doesn't apologize when he's clearly at fault. I will typically apologize when I'm wrong, but he rarely does. I'd just like some advice on what to do here. My friends don't think I should call him. They said he's probably agonizing over the whole thing. It's just tough for me. I think every day that he doesn't call is one more day he's rationalizing not having me anymore in his life.
I appreciate any advice you can offer.
Answer -
Dear Mary
Sounds like he could use some rage therapy. There is something eating him that has nothing to do with you that rage therapy would really help. I teach rage therapy courses, and there should be rage therapy groups somewhere in your vicinity.
Good luck.
Answer Dear Mary
I agree with your friends and you need to let him go. He has deep emotional problems that trigger your depression (which is suppressed anger). I hope you have a counselor or will consider going to see one. This guy is bad news.
