Question If I didn't think he was worth it, I wouldn't be asking if it's something that can be fixed. What kind of personality defect does he have? I didn't think that kind of thing could be worked through...I am just so confused. If he's sick-I did promise him in sickness and in health. I understand removing myself from immediate danger until he does heal but should I really just out-right leave or will that just make him more sick...what are his chances of getting better if he really wants it?
-------------------------
Followup To
Question -
James-
My name is Sara and I have been married for 6 months. A month after we were married he began using physical force against me whenever he got angry. The situation was intensified by his occasional drinking. We started attending marriage counseling anout a month ago and things were going very well until this weekend. I told him last time that I would leave him if he ever touched me again. Through all of this he has never aplogized or offered up anything to sacrifice-he wouldn't even admit he had a problem-it was always my fault. However last night-2 days and a restraining order later-he asked to see me one last time. In the course of the conversation he was very apologetic and told me that he does love me and he wishes he would have conquered his demons for me-that we are complete opposites but he wishes he could learn to be more like me. That it was never my fault and he wants to get help and change. He just wants one more chance to show me. He even cried and in the 2 years that I have known him he has never even shown the slightest hint of sadness. I'm just not sure...why should I trust him? But if he realizes he has a problem and he wants to change can I afford him a real chance? Can he change? I know this sounds so trivial but I do love him and I want him to be the man that I fell in love with but I don't want to be caught in the crossfire of his anger anymore. Thank you for your time.
Sara
Answer -
Dear Sara
Run, don't walk, away from this man. He is dangerous and -will continue to play you like a yo-yo. He has a personality defect that will require counseling to heal. If he consents to counseling and gives up drinking you have a remote possibility that he may not hit you again. Is he worth it?
Good luck
Answer If you asked six counselors what they thought you would get six different answers. My belief is that you have to enforce your boundaries that you set---no violence or abuse. If you move back together with him he will subconsciously perceive that that you didn't mean what you said. He may behave for a while, but chances are pretty good he will get violent again. I believe that men who are abusers have a personality defect caused by abuse in their lives. If he gets anger counseling and agrees to your boundaries, you can certainly give him another chance.
