AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Question I have a close friendship with a woman I have known now for about 6 years.
In that time (and even very early in our friendship) I became aware that she is
in a very emotionally abusive relationship with her husband, who is an
extremely difficult, volatile, possessive, and irrational man. Clearly she loves
him or she wouldn't have stayed with him for as long as she has: almost 40
years!
I have watched her limit her friendships and her travelling, cancel plans, and
try to placate him when he's angry. She is obviously afraid of him. She takes
antidepressants, drinks regularly, and seems depressed frequently. She
speaks about it rarely, mostly defending him from the world. He has
alienated just about everyone they know. I have managed to stay on good
terms with him (at least when I'm around) mostly by just letting him have his
say.
She is suffering and leading a marginal life without him. Even she is aware
that she would be better off without him but he has brainwashed her into
thinking she is boring and difficult and that no one else would want her. She
is neither; she is smart, funny, and very caring She manages a life away from
him in her career and hobbies, but as soon as she gets close to someone, he
explodes. As far as I know, he doesn't hit her, but I do know he throws and
breaks things.
I dearly love her. She has become like a sister to me and it tears me up to see
her suffer the way she does. She's 61 and has been with this jerk for her
entire adult life. I honestly think she doesn't realize just how bad it is
because she knows nothing else. I grew up in a household with an alcoholic
father but, thankfully, my mother left him when I was a teenager.
What can I do to help her? I never raise the issue. I feel it is up to her to do
that. But I am feeling more and more helpless as I watch her grow older and
he gets even worse.
Answer you can certainly be more vocal about it with her as to your feelings, your suggestions, and encourage her to consider counseling; but keep expectations low, considering it will be difficult, after all these years, for her to take decisive action, as something is obviously holding her back; not sure if you're set up to have her live with YOU, but i'm sure she'd need some secure alternative living arrangement if you got her to even consider leaving..i wouldn't term it a "marginal" answer, which, by the way, was right on the money, and the rating unfair; there's only 2 choices-- keeping quiet about it, (then why bother writing?).. or as i described; if the friendship has any real value, she shouldn't get an attitude from your expressing an opinion--if she doesn't want to hear it, then keep your concerns to yourself and accept the fact that she's not goin anywhere...
