AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
Experience see bio under "general dating questions"
Question QUESTION: So heres the situation... Let me state facts about him and myself first
Him-
Age 35
2 kids from a previous relationship
Works- about 55,000 a year..
No Drugs
No Alcohol
Me- 22
no kids
Doesn't work (not by choice)College student
No Drugs
No Alcohol
Although i have been very hesitant to seek relationship advice, i desperately need it.
Here i go..
I've been dating this older man since i was 19 on and off. For 2 years and a couple of months, we've been going straight without any breakups.
He works around where i live, and that's how we met. He also during that time we first met moved across the street from me for work purposes which made our feelings for each other intensify. We would know when we we're home, we would know when we're not. When i first fell in love with him he was soooo wonderful. We probably spent time with each other 5 out of the 7 days. Possibly even 7 of 7. He would drive me to see my friends, sometimes they'd even get driven places they had to go. I can't even remember when things started to change but i think it was when the test period ended and i was officially his "girlfriend". But now trying to remember, actually the big moment i noticed a change is when one of my friends from school called me for registration help and my boyfriend flipped. He started acting like i was cheating on him, and truly i have more respect for myself then to sink so low. My whole life, i've been a sociable person. I've had so many friends both male and female. In school i would associate with girls as well as guys but on a 100% friendly base. But-- guys to him before we became "official" was an absolute "NO" and especially after. Then...
Suddenly my shirts we're too revealing. Cleavage was completely unacceptable. This, I thank him now for because when he met me i was out of high school and i still had the personality to match(outfits included). I know as a lady, you don't need to expose. Thats probably the only thing i thank him for though.
The thing with me is im soo honest. I told him everything, and everything about my friends personal lives was included on my daily ritual to be open and honest with him.
My bestest friend in the whole world, who i've been best friends with since we were placed in the same crib as infants-- was starting to become an issue. She was promiscuous, and he knew that because my big mouth told him. She also use to club and party a lot, and this became a huge issue in our relationship. In 19yrs she has never influenced me to do anything wrong, why all of a sudden would she start!?! Everything she was, i wasn't. I partied enough in highs, i felt college was a time i needed to take seriously so I'm not there forever.
Me- College
Her- Pass(No)
Me- Picky Picky
Her- Pass (flirty)
Me- No party
Her- Yes Party
But regardless of the stuff we didn't do together, she and i were the best of friends. When i first introduced her to him, i told him that she was more like a sister. My sister even had her in her wedding, our families are so close.
My best friend moved to another state with her boyfriend, and so the only contact we had was our daily conversations for hours. Everytime i would be on the phone with him and she called i could tell he would get pissed off. A year later she decided that she wanted to move back, and she did. When i told him that she was coming back, we had one of our biggest fights. He said "things are going to change between us, now that shes here", "Shes going to give you ideas", etc. I started to distant myself away from her because of him. But she needed a job, so i got her a job with me. I worked part-time- she worked full time, and we saw each other 4 days during the week at work. When i got her the job, he kept saying " you did this behind my back" "your choosing her over me". He made it a thing where it became a choice between him or her. Of course, i chose him. And for the remainder of the year i worked there, I ignored her. I wrote her a letter (which she cried soo much) and we didnt speak for 6 months that we worked in the distance of 10 ft of each other.
Let me include the whole time i worked at this job part-time he constantly told me that i was flirting with the guys there. Seriously, those guys tried to talk to me--- but i didnt ever even say peep to them. He was convinced i was talking to guys there. The only men i spoke to were my supervisors which were guys in there 50's and who were very serious. Eventually i quit my job because we were constantly fighting over jealousy issues and it become uncomfortable for me to see my best friend right there, and i couldn't talk to her.
I miss her like crazy!! I gave up all my friends because all my friends became an issue too. Everyone suddenly had a problem. One worked out at the gym with guys (she has 2 brothers she works out with), he thought one of my girl best friends was in love with me (haha), he thought one was a drunk (shes in college--she partied)etc. Everyone to him had a problem so i stopped contact with everyone. For all my life, i have been all about my friends. To not have them in my life is so hard. But its either him or them.
So aside from the friend issues, there's:
When he started hiding me as if i was something to be ashamed of. What disturbs me about this is, i know im attractive. I remember him once saying but never saying again, that he's afraid that when people see us together, they think he's a child molester. I do look younger then my age but thats because i'm petite.
There's soo much to include in here, my minds traveling a hundred miles a second...
He hides me by making me walk 2 blocks away to meet him by his car when we go out because he works where i live and people might see us together that he works with.
He fights with me over the most stupid things.
We actually have fights about speech. I'm way more educated then he is, and when i use big words sometimes--i have to define them for him or else he'll be clueless to what im saying. But if i say things for example-- screwed, whatsamallcallit, okay-bye (when we hang up the phone),shut off the light (he says ---turn off the light), MmmHmmm,(yes this word)etc, he flips out. We'll get into a huge fight over my choice of vocabulary. Yes, i have my flaws, but overall i'm alot smarter then him on an intellectual level.
He hasn't hit me yet, but theres times when we've fought where he has threatened to. Like i'll see his look and i'll know to chill, or he will just straight out tell me, "calm down cause im about to ".
He still fights with me about college. We fight because he swears that im talking to guys and even gets jealous of me even talking to girls.
I dont even talk to any guys. Guys have tried to talk to me in class, in halls, but i just make believe i dont hear them to avoid conversation. I dont want him to be right that in fact im talking to guys in school. Like i said, he even get jealous of girls i might associate with in school. I dont understand. Im not going to a bar with them. Im talking to them in class. God forbid i have group presentations--its 20 question time. He hates the fact that im in school. He calls it "party-time".
He gets jealous of my brother-in-laws who are more like my brothers. They've been around all my life. He thinks there in love with me too.
Theres soo much to say..
He doesnt want to meet my family because he says "i dont have to because im not in a relationship with your family". My self esteem was soo high prior to him, i could have my own frequent flyer miles. Now my self esteem is low (not too low) because i dont know why he's soo afraid to show the world, his prize.
The thing i keep in my head that keeps me with him is
He doesnt smoke
He doesnt do drugs
He doesnt do the whole club thing/strip club thing/party thing.
90% of the time we talk to each other we dont speak normally, we speak to each other in baby talk.
We have our moments. When its good, ITS FANTASTIC.
When its bad, ITS TORTURE.
He stays home when we're not together because of me, and believe me he uses that to his advantage when we argue.
It's flattering at times to know that someone wants you all to themselves. But i'm feeling sooo conjested. I miss my friends.
OH...the thing we fight about the most is EYES.. He thinks i have eye problems. He doesnt seem to understand that whether i look foward, left, right-- if a guy passes in front of me, that doesnt mean im looking at him in that way. When were driving, the dashboard is my best friend. I look at the dashboard. When were walking, its the floor-- so he doesnt think im looking at any guy that happens to be passing at that point in time.. Theres soo much to say..
The thing is---i love him soooooooo much. But he tortures me with the controlling, jealousy, and possessiveness. I feel like im drowning. What should i do? Talking to him is out of the question because i told him plenty of times and he just tells me "Leave", "Go find yourself a man that will treat you better", "I'm not holding you", etc.
Theres so many things he does that i cant write because my mind is going sooo fast right now..So i tried to cut it down, and as you can see---its still long.
PLease help..
ANSWER: a sad, depressing, all too common situation; first, try not to call this "love"..it is really an addictive dependency due to a lack of self-esteem; if you weren't "set-up" in this manner, this jerk would have been given the boot LONG AGO; this is the reason you feel the no drinking, no drugs, baby talk, are sufficient reasons to like someone, when it really indicates you are settling for far less than you deserve..the man is an abusive, insecure, controlling sociopath, that is in dire need of long term therapy; there is NOTHING loveable in the behaviors you've descibed; to think that you gave up meaningful friendships to satisfy his warped demands, is indeed sad; so, now what?..i can tell you that the man has ruined your life up to this point, but it won't do any good until you a) realize it and b) decide to never communicate with him again..i can spell out 10 more reasons, but if you're gonna tell me you can't leave because you love him, then stop writing and prepare for an unhappy life of quiet desperation; if you need help in breaking away, seek the guidance of a counselor; there's still time to save the rest of your life, but YOU have to grab the life preserver....
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: HI, thank you for your response. I definitely would love to hear the follow-up.
I'm def. not going to tell you that i CANT leave him due to my undying love for him. I do love him more then anything but the truth is i'm at the point where i need advice and a person to tell me i'm right in doing so.
Answer the follow-up is more of the same...but until you realize that what you call "love" is really an emotional addiction, it will be hard for you to leave; once you do leave, if you ever do, you will see this more clearly; to say that you "love" a person that has treated you with TOTAL disrespect, indicates the reason you're still there is more about your low self-esteem than anything to do with him..
