Expert: Azure - 7/31/2006

Question
I have been living with my fiance for 10 years he has kids from a former relationship that he has custody of and I have one child from a former relationship and one child with him.  He has been verbally and physically abusive off and on during the relationship.  There are really good times and really bas times.  He is very controlling he likes to tell me what to wear and not to wear.  He has ripped up clothes of mine before.  He has also physically hit me and pulled my hair.  He does not trust me when I go out with friends as a matter of fact he wants me to go out with him all the time he says my friends are single and that means trouble.  I like to go out with friends maybe twice a month.  He hit me just two weekends ago because I came home at 3:00a.m.  He slapped me right on my ear towards the back of my head.  I still have a echo in my ear it feels like I have water in my head.  I said this was the last straw because the kids over heard us fighting and woke up at 3:00a.m saying don't hit my mom.  I got up on Monday morning and started looking for places in the neighborhood because my kids have been going to school in this distict all their childhood.  I found a place and put money down for a deposit the next day.  My question is now I am feeling that I rushed into something that I really am not sure I want to do.  I am sure I can get me money back if I changed my mind because I have not moved in yet and the landlord is very nice and supportive.  I told my fiance I was moving out until he gets help.  My draw backs are that both of our names are on the deed to the house.  My name is not on the mortgage though only his name.  He said that he would be devastated if I leave and he would get help.  He threatened to take some pills and kill himself if I did not stay.  He says he knows he has a problem and he will move with his sister and I can stay in the house with the kids.  I am so torn because I love my stepkids too and I did not want to break the family up.  But I am concerned because of the abuse.  Should I believe he is going to get help and move to his sister's house.  Or did I make the right decision to get another place especially in the same neighborhood.  I just thought I would want to be close to my step children and I did not want the kids to lose all their friends.  He claims he will not be able to keep the house on his own that it will have to go into foreclosure.  He said he will help pay mortgage if I stay in the house and he leaves.  What should I do?  

Answer
your leaving is not only strongly advised, it's WAY overdue; actually, he should have been arrested and jailed for assault; even the most abusive souls will promise ANYTHING when they see their comfortable world changing, but most often it's only lip service intended to maintain the status quo, not a commitment to any real change; you should not only leave, you should cease any and all contact, and get a restraining order if he harasses you in any way; perhaps after 6 months or a year of counseling, some form of communication/interaction could transpire, but not until you also have an opportunity to speak to his counselor; as to house legalities, consult an attorney for guidance, but don't let your "boyfriend's" manipulative moanings about such practicalities, intended to create guilt,  influence your good judgment as to what decisions need to be made to save your life from more misery, or worse..