AboutAzure Expertise can answer all relationship questions involving unhealthy, addictive, or otherwise unhappy arrangements, except those involving the legalities of physical abuse..
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Question Hi, I'm 17 and I am currently involved in a pretty rocky relationship. Things started out wonderful, and we tried taking things slow. I have been through a lot in my life and I have had my fair share at heartache. So this time I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get myself into any kind of sticky situation.
Well I was pretty proud of myself when I began dating Boyfriend*. He was a really sweet guy. He met all my friends and I was kind enough to meet his. (I'm not a big people person) but for him I made the most sincere effort.
I knew things started getting questionable when he would make fun of my friends. It kind of hurt me in a way because they were who I had chosen to be in my life. It made me feel embarrassed. Was my judgment impaired? Soon enough I wasn't allowed to hang out with one of my dear friends. He wished to have her completely cut off. I, of course, agreed. Oh yeah, and did I mention I've known her since I was 5 years old? She was my first friend when I moved to the neighborhood. 13 years of friendship. Gone.
Although, sad, I figured. I don't need her. I started picking out everything she had ever done wrong. I began to hate someone I use to be inseparable with. Her family practically adopted me and I had no choice to abandon them. I didn't want to lose him...
I was feeling a little empty at this point. But he began acting really nice. As to make up for it. So I eventually forgave him. Things were fine. I had another friend that I had kept in touch with since 1st grade. We had done everything together. EVERYONE knew we were the best of friends. People had even referred us to mini Paris & Nicole. Best friends till the end. I was so happy. Boyfriend* even got along with her! Oh thank God, see it's not like he doesn't want me to have friends.. he just didn't like the way Mary* treated me. No wonder, hes right Jane* is the perfect new best friend.
Then it started. He began to show slight anger if I was spending time with Jane* he wanted to talk the whole time we would hang out. At one point he claimed I liked her more than him. He even said I had a crush on her. I am not attracted to women and not to mention, SHES MY BEST FRIEND?! I ignored it for a while but eventually had to cut down mine and Janes* time together. At one point he had asked if who I would choose. I was surprised, there was no comparison between them. One was my best friend, the other, my boyfriend. I needed them both. How could he get jealous of a friendship? I even stopped hanging out with her on the weekends. The only time we really spent together was on school days! Finally it came to the point where I was "forbidden" from hanging out with her. Forgetting all the memories was the hardest. My best friend now hates me. Great. So now I had him. And only him. Things should be better. But now he accused me of talking to her again, and I haven't and he refused to believe me. He got so upset and just kept rambling on about how much he despised her. He claimed "we" don't need her. I just kept quiet. He thought my silence was agreement I suppose because he didn't ask for a solid answer. I let him have that thought. Maybe it would keep him secure for today. I know this sounds a little crazy, but instead of talking to my friend, I have a book, I named it Best friend. I write down in it all the things I would tell her if we were still allowed to talk. Things I wouldn't tell my boyfriend, even if I did, it would be things he wouldn't care too much about. I just need someone to talk to, and as I mentioned before, I am not a big fan of letting people in my life. How do I recreate a friendship of so long? It's only been a day since I was forbidden. I miss her. Nothing I say will make her change her mind about me though. I hurt her and I am sorry. I just can't lose him.
Answer i'd strongly suggest counseling, as your insecurities, dependence, neediness, are all allowing him to treat you in a sadly abusive manner; girls with normal self-esteem don't allow their boyfriends to control their lives, who they see; the guy is an insecure, possessive control freak that shouldn't be allowed anywhere NEAR a female until he gets counseling as well; if you haven't already, one day when you wake up and realize what dreadful decisions you've made due to this addiction, you will have deep regrets that you gave up these long-term friendships for this jerk; to conclude, this a totally unhealthy arrangement that will only get worse--your choices are a lonely life of quiet desperation, or getting help to free you from this enslavement--NO man is worth giving up your soul for, or their friends, especially one this self absorbed and neurotic...
