Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 6/1/2006

Question
Hello and thanks for taking my question. My boyfriend is the sweetest person and cares deeply for me. He will rase his voice when I point out something he did wrong or something he needs to do. I do admit that I tend to mother him and tell him to do something. I know that I "nagg" him over silly things he forgets to do(sometimes he will have wet hads when he comes out of the bathroom or forget to zip his zipper)He doesn't get upset when I remind him to do the things I mentioned. He will get defensive when I remind him to fix the 2nd toilet that runs all the time. So the question is-Should I be looking to change my approach when I speak to him OR Would anger management classes help him deal with his reaction to my requests?
Thank you,


Answer
Dear Lori

I think both would help. I would suggest that you preface your requests with "I would really love it if you could..." and remember to thank him when he does what you ask. As far as his reactions are concerned, he probably feels guilty that you have to ask him, that it is his fault, so if you change it into asking him to make it an act of love for you, that should take the defensiveness out of it. I believe that everyone benefits from counseling, whether it is anger management or general counseling.

Good luck