Question I think you are right about him not given the chance to grow up when he was a child. Now that he is becoming more responsible, like washing dishes, cleaning the toilet, bathing our daughter, and taking out the trash, he never fails to remind me that he is doing them. My concern is, why is he accusing me of doing nothing when I'm spread so thin trying to keep our lives going, especially in managing our finances? He tried to apologize to me yesterday about calling me names, but this time I just looked at him and reminded him that I have also done a lot for the family. He then became furious again and stormed upstairs calling me more deragotory names and that I "deserved to be treated that way". It is unbelievable how mean and vindictive he can be. Do you think divorce will benefit us? If so, what should I consider?
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We have gone through this before in counseling. Our communication and relationship have improved. It used to be a lot worse! He used to put holes in the walls and would break things when he didn't get things his way (He is the youngest of 4 and his mother used to be permissive with all her children). There were many times when I wanted to call it quits, but since I love him I wanted to give him a chance. I know that a divorce will only make things worse for all of us, both financially and emotionally. What I am doing currently to deal with the situation is to NOT give into his ways. I've gotten so used to him throwing a fit and leaving that they don't affect me as much anymore. I have already clarified my responsibilities and that I am a "great mother" despite the fact that he was trying to accuse me of not spending enough time with our daughter. In fact, our daughter and I went shopping today and we had a great day! If I were a "bad" mom, then she wouldn't have wanted to spend time with me. Any other tips besides clarifying our boundaries?
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"Dear James,
I've been married for 7 years and have been with my husband for a total
of 11 years. Generally, we have a good relationship; however, whenever
we fight, he says very unpleasant things about me and I feel so hurt
that he would do that. It's like he has an altered personality that is
unkind and vindictive.
We got into an argument today and he accused me of "doing nothing" for
the family, when the reality is that I work full-time, manage all of
our family's finances, drop off and pick up our 3 year old daughter at
daycare, cook dinner, laundry, buy groceries, supported him when he was
unemployed, etc... I told him that I never get the chance to have "Me"
time without him making me feel guilty. On the other hand, he sits and
watches TV all day and I wouldn't get on his case about it.
I've just quit my job last Friday because my situation was very
unpleasant; however, I told him that I'm actively looking for another job that
will give me more fulfillment, plus I have money saved up to cover our
expenses in the meantime. I love him, but I feel like he has a
distorted perception of me. In the act of rage, he would say that I am
"worthless" and that he would "ruin me emotionally". Nobody would ever guess
that he would behave like this in the privacy of our home. He is a
charming and professional business man who is well-liked by everyone. And
I am also a professional woman with a graduate degree who is not afraid
to speak my mind. I've already told him before he left the house today
that he can't affect me emotionally like he used to. Of course, he was
not happy about that.
I don't know what to do about my situation, especially since we have a
child together. I also want to do what is best for all of us without
having to divorce. We've been to counseling multiple times throughout
our relationship. Even though we have not fought in a while, nothing
seems to change in regards to the negative and abusive things he says to
me.
Please help. Thanks."
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Dear Megan
I believe that you have boundary issues that need to be cleared up. It is obvious that he is being the child and you are being the adult in a vertical relationship where all of the responsibility is being put on your shoulders. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. You need to set clear boundaries and rules about how you discuss family and personal matters. If he starts acting childish, ask him what he is afraid of. Try to get him to start talking about how he is feeling, instead of him throwing labels at you that are frankly ridiculous. As long as you are the only adult in the relationship you will continue to have these problems. Counseling is always an answer.
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Dear Megan
It sounds like he was never allowed to grow up emotionally by his mother. It would be good if you had some understanding of what his responsibilities are around the house, like cleaning, doing dishes, etc. It sounded like he does nothing, that is not healthy. You need to let him take responsibility.
Answer Dear Megan
I can't answer whether divorce will benefit you. That depends on him. If he is going to make your life miserable being this way, divorce may be the only answer. I would ask him what he is trying to accomplish by treating you this way. It is a control mechanism on you, trying to make you feel guilty, etc. If you can help him see how immature this is, the marriage may heal. Otherwise, you have to decide whether living with him is worse than living without him.
