Expert: Azure - 5/1/2005

Question
Some of my story.  I am a 53 year old women and have been with my husband since we were 13.  He has had a number of affairs during this time.  I have forgiven him and tried again and again.  I now realise and am trying to except that he has been an abusive man all our time together.  By abuse I mean verbally, emotionally and at times physically.  We broke up 3 years ago but he came back,for business reasons he said.  I tried again to put the marriage back together.  I realise now that I tried each and every time because of his control methods. For the first year back I found out that he was having an affair with my 16yr old niece.  They both said, when confronted by me that there was no sex involved.  My husband told me that he use to masterbate her and go down on her but she never once touched him.  I know my niece is a very open and sexual person so I believe intercourse was the main thing with them. Now my hubby has transfered 2000klms north up where our 2 sons live and our 3 grandchildren.  He wants me to go so we can be near our family and I want this badly.  BUT what of the abuse and the affairs (which are still going on)?  Husband has said that he will not stop seeing other women, that he cannot committ to me or make any promises that he knows he CAN'T keep. We live in the same house and get along really well but sleep in seperate rooms.  He is a very controlling person and is proud of the way he can minipulate people. I have a bad back and heart disease, (told by 3 DR.'s that I will not live a long life.  My job prospects are poor.  How do I support myself if I don't go.  I can work for the next few years I know this.  I am very scared and very hurt and confused.  I have just started counceling with the domestic assault unit.  Help, Please I want to be near my kids and watch my grandchildren grow but I don't believe in open marriages.  Is it that he wants is cake and eat it to.  He wants me his family and a life for us both but how can I go on knowing that there will always be others?  the emotional abuse is so hard and it hurts so much.

Answer
it's a tough situation...it's really not a marriage anymore--you are in a dependent arrangement with a self centered jerk; only you can decide, but if there's ANY way you can manage on your own, you should; if you do go, just tell him you'll be living there as a friend, with the same rights of seeing others as he has; if i were you, i wouldn't have sex with him under ANY circumstance, if i could even bring myself to TALK to him...as to your health, check out LEF.org, and dr sinatra.com...there might be things you can do to improve your health...